S9 and S5 are at MIL's for the night and the baby is in bed already.
H came back inside not too long after going outside. When he walked back in, he asked where the baby was then went into our room.
He took a shower (I heard the water running) and after some time had passed, he hadn't come out yet. So I went into the room just to be sure everything was ok, and H was laying on the bed.
From the time he went outside to the time I went into the room, I'd say it was about an hour or so later. I had been thinking and thinking and thinking about what I should do. Should I continue to keep quiet and give him more time? Or should I just give H what he wants?
I sat on the edge of the bed; H was laying there with his eyes closed. I sat there in silence for a few moments then finally said, "H?"....."H?".....He opened his eyes and asked where the kids were again, and I told him again. Then I said, "H, if you really want me to leave you, I will." H said with his eyes closed, "I just think you'd be better off without me." (I wanted to validate him or say "I don't think that", but he doesn't want to hear that kind of stuff -- he told me this.) It was quiet again for a few more moments, I felt he wasn't going to say anything else, so I said again, "If you really want me to leave you, I will." Then I got up and started walking out of the room and H said, "Yeah, go ahead and walk away. Thank you." I turned back around and said, "No. I don't want to walk away. Why do you think I'm still here? After all this time?....I think YOU want to be the one to walk away, but you just don't know how." H didn't say anything again, so I left the room. He's still in there.
If he really wants out, I'll let him go. If he really wants me to go, I will. I just don't have anymore fight left in me.
How can I feel this way, like I'm ready to give up, while he's so sick? I feel like I'm tired of everything yet I worry about actually leaving while he's like this.
Thanks for listening.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
