Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi, cally.

...I guess I was just thinking he seems to mention A LOT that all his unhappiness is because he was pushed to have this family that he didn't want. He seems to place all the blame on you. To try and make you feel like utter crap.

I couldn't agree with you more.......He does make me feel this way. Am I just so blinded by my love for him that I make myself deal with it out of fear of losing him? Fear of being a single mother with 3 boys? Fear of being alone? Many times I look in the mirror and think, "Who is going to want me? I'm used goods -- a woman with 3 children." I am afraid of the thought of having to start all over by myself.

I don't understand how H can be away (or even when he first gets home), calls me and tells me he's so sorry, that he doesn't want to lose me and is going to do whatever it takes to make me happy......and you know what? It makes me happy to hear it, really happy, and that's when I feel hopeful. But then after a few days, it's back to him seemingly acting like he does not want to be here. He wants to drink, or go play poker, or he's just out and about all day.

H wants what he wants when he wants it -- when is it my turn? When do I get to have what I want just once? According to H, I got 3 kids. That's what I wanted, so I should be happy.

I do feel like crap. He is so negative everyday unless something positive happened for him. If he got to play poker, if he had some drinks, if he wasn't bothered by anyone or anything. This is why I find myself keeping my distance from him when he actually is here, but then he complains that I'm too quiet. "No, H. I'm quiet because I'm afraid to get on your bad side -- again."

In my opinion maybe if you gave him exactly what he keeps saying he wants it may make him realize how valuable you are.

At this point, I think if I did this, he might actually be relieved. He's said it so many times. After some time, he might have second thoughts, but I doubt it. I think H would really enjoy his "freedom" so to speak. My god -- I feel like I am such a burden on him. This is how he makes me feel. He can be so loving one minute, and then the next just miserable to be here in this house.

Anxiety is very hard to deal with. His reaction to the physchiatrist is typical of someone suffering from depression or anxiety disorder. They are afraid the doc will tell them they are crazy. Which is most often times their worst fear.

Yes, this is exactly why he won't go. He's said this so many times.

Good for you that you talked to him the other day and got a lot out. I think he is also showing he does have a gambling problem. Wasn't it last week he told you if you let him go one more night that he would only go once this week. Hasn't it been 3 times he will go this week? Then he blows up last week and tells you that he wouldn't have lost it if you would have just let him go. what is the point of making a compromise if you can't or won't stick to it.

Thanks. It may have not been good DBing, but it did feel good to get it out.

The compromise -- I had forgotten he said he would only go once this week, but even if I did remember, it probably would've caused another outburst from him. I'm probably ASSuming, but I don't think so. He HAS only gone twice this week though, so....

He also seems very insecure of himself. To react that way just because he was sweaty. That would have grossed a lot of people out. it just seems like he is this walking time bomb. I can understand why you feel you are on egg shells. Maybe you could just try getting out more and giving him his space to work out in his head whatever it is he has going on.

I think he's insecure, too. Probably because he was overweight for so long, and I'm sure the bulimia is playing a part in it also.

I DO need to get out more -- a LOT more for my own mental health. I've actually got a couple things planned WITHOUT H over the next few days that he doesn't know about. I used a lot of mystery to get him to come back to me, but I stopped once he did. I've got to keep moving on for me and my boys. If H wants to be a part of it, nice. If not, oh well. What can I do? Maybe it'll wake him up again.

But honestly JV I would keep gently asking him to see even a doctor and at least let just a normal doctor check him out or possibly get him on something. He seems like he is ready to explode by what you are saying.

If I do ask him again, he WILL explode. He wants me to leave him alone. He'll take the vitamins I want him to take but that's it -- nothing more. He won't even go to his doctor or any other doctor to get checked out for anything.

I had an aunt who said she thought about killing herself and she did this on x-mas eve and carried out the act and died. So always take the threat of this serious.

I am sorry to hear this, cally.

I do take it seriously. I got another reply from the depression forum where the poster mentioned the Baker Act (?). I'm going to check into it for more info, but the poster said it's about getting someone who refuses to be helped into it even without their consent. I don't know how that would go over between us, but.....I don't know. I just want H to get better.

How has he been around the kid's?

H has been really good with them. He's doing much more -- playing catch, going mini-golfing and/or bowling, to the park, etc. He doesn't take out any frustrations on them. H loves his boys and has said he wants to be a better father to them.

Thanks for stopping by, cally, and for your understanding. It does help so much.

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Well as I noted earlier, I am going back to GAL for me and for the boys. H has been so downright negative (the depression's fault) that it is effecting me and my PMA.

MIL will be watching the baby later this afternoon so that I can take S9 and S5 to see "Madagascar". I also made plans with her to take the kids to the annual festival downtown on Monday. I haven't told H of my plans, and I don't intend to either. If he asks, I will tell him he is welcome to join us and I will leave it at that.

Small hopes but NO EXPECTATIONS.

Thanks for listening.

JV