Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hey, Ellie! Have I thanked you enough lately? I feel truly blessed to have someone give me all the help and support that you have like so many others. Really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

JV - you can find 5-HTP in a health-food store - possibly a vitamin store (like GNC?) might carry it too.... Fish oil capsules may also be helpful to give him. I think telling him these are for his heart is an excellent idea. A multivitamin and a B-50 complex too (make sure he takes the B in the morning, because it can increase dreaming - not such a good idea for him right now?). Read the books and you will see what else may be helpful.

Thanks again. I was busy all day yesterday, and today H and I have been doing things around the house (replacing a couple of ceiling fans that went kaput, shopped for a new kitchen light fixture, etc). He just stepped out to go look at a car he's thinking about buying. So this is my first chance of having spare time to post. Tomorrow H is supposed to work with (bf), so I should be able to go to GNC and get the vitamins -- if they don't have them, there's a health food store in the next town over (only a 10 minute drive). I also will be going to the bookstore to get the books and some others I've been wanting.

H has been loading himself with bananas and orange juice like crazy, so I am DEFINITELY telling H the vitamins are for his heart !

Sounds like a lot of positive steps this weekend - H may even be a bit relieved that he told you about some of his problems and you didn't abandon him.

Yes, LOTS of positives ! And yes, H seemed to be much more laid back/at ease this weekend. I would imagine keeping all that inside for so long and then finally letting it go could have given H some sense of relief (???). I know he's far from being well though.

First of all - dreams are dreams - just because he has terrible dreams doesn't mean he has any intent...

You're right, and I know this. Me being so scared -- that's what my rampant thinking does to me . I think I am much more concerned and worried than scared.

As for him not throwing up - that is great that he has decided to try to stop. Most bulimics will need help, though - and I can tell you, they sure can hide it well!... Be supportive, give him praise and tell him you understand how hard it is. He may backslide somtimes but reassure him that he CAN beat this.

Yeah, I've heard they can hide it well.....Keeping my eyes and ears open -- always -- and I will do whatever I possibly can to help H overcome this.

Of course, I think the best thing would be for him to get professional help - I am offering these other ideas only because I think they are better than doing nothing, and I know how hard it can be to get him into treatment. (The woman who wrote those books has a clinic in Mill Valley, btw - is that anywhere near you?)

Again, Ellie, I am so grateful for all you have offered me. This is such an enormous help!

I would love for H to get professional help, but yeah, it doesn't look like he's willing.

Mill Valley -- I believe it's about 1 1/2 to 2 hours away from us. I'm not exactly sure, but I know I could find out (duh! )

Act As If he is going to get better - I know when my D had her eating disorder, she really relied on me to be sure she could succeed - it scared her to death if I looked like I was giving up hope.

This brings me to last night. I wish I would have been able to login then.

It all started when H wanted to go play cards last night. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't want to fight with H about it either. Plus, that would have been wrong of me seeing that we have a compromise -- BTW, H said he would stick to it this time......we shall see .

Before H left, he was giving me a hug then a kiss, and that's when I thought I could smell (yuck) on his breath. I slighty cringed -- well evidently it wasn't so slight to H -- and H asked what's wrong.

Me: "Did you?"
H: "Did I what?"
Me: "You know what I'm talking about....I can smell it on your breath."
H: "Smell what?...Oh - NO! I HAVEN'T! NOT AT ALL!"
Me: (silent)................
H: "JV, I swear on everything I haven't thrown up today....I did yesterday, but only a little bit, and I only did it that once."
Me: (still silent)..........
H: "What are you thinking about?"
Me: ........................
H: "Tell me what you want, JV. Get it out."

It was a very lengthy convo. I let it all out. I told H just how worried I am about him, about his ED, about the gambling, about his depression, everything. I was being as calm and as gentle as I could, H did get a bit defensive at times, but I think he understood what I was saying and why I was saying it.

When I brought up the gambling, H said, "You know.....it's still really hard for me to be here. I convinced myself for so long that I didn't want to be here, but I didn't feel like that was right. I don't know. Maybe I gamble so much so I don't have to be here as much. And it's not you. It's just me."

I told H that I have been struggling myself with the decision of whether or not to leave. I told him that he has wished me to leave him so many times, so sometimes I think I should just give him what he wants. He didn't say anything, but he put his head in his hands.

When I told H that I wanted for him to go see a psychiatrist and reminded him that his doctor told him the same over a year ago, he said, "I'm not as f***ed up as you think, and I can do this on my own.".....????

Towards the end, H asked if there was anything else I had to say. I said, "Yes, but I won't because I don't want to get you anymore irritated than you probably already are." H said just to tell him.

I told H that I hated to sound so "cliche", but "actions do speak louder than words", and I told him that I was a bit disappointed when he didn't get me anything for our anniversary even though I said it was alright. I wasn't alright with it at all. I told him I didn't expect nor did I want anything spectacular, but I would have appreciated something, ANYTHING, a small card or whatever, as long as it came from him. That he told me as he has many, many times over the past several years that he would always get me something for whatever the occasion, but never does. I told him it makes me think that he doesn't care. H said alright, he was sorry, and he would do this from now on.

I also told him (and yes, I TOLD H, I TALKED to him ; I never attacked, nagged, or condemned him -- it might sound like I did, but I honestly didn't) that I had a really nice time this weekend -- I really did, but it wasn't what I wanted to do at all. I told him that he had the chance to start "making things up" to me this past weekend but didn't because I changed everything for him. I told H, "I would like for you to take me out at least once a month. Whether it's to a theme park, the city, a movie, or wherever, but just not to go play cards." H said, "Alright. You're right. Let's do something this week. Will your parents watch the kids?" I told him that was unlikely for at least a couple of weeks since they just had them for 3 days. H said he would talk to his mom, but I reminded him that she's on vacation with her boyfriend, so H said he would talk to SIL, and if she couldn't, we would just take the kids with us and HE would handle them ALL ! (Now I do not expect that much !)

Just before H left, he said, "I need you to have faith in me, JV. If you don't, then I might as well not even bother trying. I can do this. Have faith in me please."

We hugged, kissed, then he left.

H wasn't gone long. He made a quick score and came right home. Some flirting and then !

Ok, I gotta go now. H just got back.

Thanks for listening.

JV