Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

cally -- Thank you for dropping in.

.... He is like a walking time bomb walking around with this eating disorder.... He may come crashing down at any point....

He is.... he really is . He has said so many, many times that he feels like fighting. Like just picking a fight with a total stranger and beating the crap out of them. He has said that he even wishes someone would just look at him the wrong way to set him off.

He has so much RAGE inside...I know it, and I can feel it, and I am so very worried.

I also think you are being naive about his gambling problem. Why would he have to have a seperate accounts from you and only give you what you need?

Yeah, you're probably right. I am being naive about his gambling addiction, but I KNOW that the money sitch is not in any trouble. It's hard to explain, but it's the truth. H would NOT bury us in financial ruins. He is TOO proud of what he has accomplished with our money. We've always had separate accounts, too. Never a joint one -- Why? I don't know.....maybe because I never asked or insisted to have the accounts changed into both our names. This is just what works for us. It always has. I wouldn't mind having a joint account, but I'm not sure how H would feel about that.

He seems like he does A LOT of blaming. Just like his affair is that YOUR fault also?

Yes, H does tend to blame things on everyone else. It's everyone else's fault because they are "idiots". Except he never outright blamed me for his A. He has taken the blame for that and said that he somehow got lost.

He does have a lot to make up for and has to change his ways also. I just want to give you my advice that you don't deserved to have everything blamed on you. Marriage takes two. It also takes two to cause problems and have differences.

I know this. Does H? He says he does, but he is in such a deep, dark place right now that I don't think he can truly comprehend it.

His whole demeanor just sounds very very troubling. He sounds selfish. Just like this weekend. he don't get a gift and then tells you he will make it up. He has the chance to take you somewehere that you would like to go. Then what happens is YOU compromise and end up playing poker. Because of course that will make HIM happy. What about you? JV just don't forget about you.

You're right, and I felt/feel the same way. H keeps saying at least once or twice a week that he wants to make things up to me, but.......I'm still waiting.

I felt like this weekend was going to be a good start for H to do that, but he didn't use this opportunity. He had the perfect chance and didn't take advantage of it. But at the same time, how can I expect -- wait, scratch that -- how can I even hope that he will do these kinds of things when he is so severely depressed? I can't. I just can't have any hope, I guess, until he gets help.

Maybe the best thing would be to seperate for just awhile so he can sort himself out. Maybe that will be the push he needs to get some help.

Do you really think so?

I have struggled with this decision myself for these past few months. Many times I feel like I SHOULD give H what HE wants -- many times I feel that I should leave to see if it would really help him. Then again, how can I bring myself to leaving him when he is so, so sick? I feel like I really should go, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to actually doing it.

And what if I do leave? And H does the fatally sad and unfortunate act ?

I think you tend to just push this down so you don't have to deal with his tirades and health problems and demands JV.

Thinking about this.....you're right, I do .

I don't want to cause any friction between us, so this is why I change plans for him or agree to what he wants. I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid if I speak up again like I used to, this will push him away again. Even if I try to compromise like I do now, H doesn't take too kindly to it. He doesn't blow up about it, but he does become irritated easily. I think H perceives this as nagging or controlling even when I am NOT doing that at all. I speak to him calmly, and I do not get bent out of shape when he disagrees like I used to.

When I think of how things are in the R now compared to before, I see many changes in me. In H, all I see is that he is a bit more caring about my feelings, but everything else is the same. H is selfish -- he wants what he wants when he wants it. If something doesn't benefit H, then it doesn't matter. This is H -- even SIL (who you could say is neutral) has said this about him.

Because it just don't sound like this kind of behavior scared you.... Again just think about it....he really needs help.

It does scare me ! I'm scared everytime I think about it or remember it.

It scares me when I think about H talking about all his horrible nightmares, and that he said, "If you even knew half the s**t I dream about, you would leave me in a second, JV!" It makes me wonder out of concern and fear if H has dreamt of physically harming me and/or the boys since he also said, "You have to know I would never hurt you or the boys.".... ??? I have thought about this everyday these past 2 or 3 days when H said all this, and I have been keeping it down inside because I don't want to show H that fear.

But I have been thinking I should say something about it, and very soon, but am I misinterpreting doing this as pressure? Is this because I am also in DB mode and trying to keep H close? That I'm afraid to say anything for fear of losing the ground I have worked through such h*ll to regain?

Here's one of the posts I received from the depression forum that has me terrified :

I know what it is like to be married to someone who was depressed but refused medication and drank and took illegal drugs until he killed himself. I was only married to him for 16 months but we had been together for 8 years.

Tell your husband for the sake of your marriage and your kids to see a psychiatrist right away. There is no shame in seeing one. There are tons of men out there that are on antidepression meds which is much better than alcohol. You need to be prepared to leave him if he won't do this for the safety of your children and you. His dreams are very disturbing because my ex went out and killed his cat of 9 years two weeks before he killed himself.

Do you want to be alive with your children or possibly be a statistic of an alcoholic who kills his family then himself. You need to be ready to leave at any time with the kids and possibly leave him for good. I know you love him but if he isn't going to help himself or listen to you and have emotional affairs it says something about his character. Please do what is right for you and your babies.



Frightening, so very, very frightening .

JV