Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Mellanie -- Thank you so much for your concern. This is the scariest ordeal imaginable, and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one ).

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Ellie -- THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all your help and suggestions. I am so glad that someone here is able to offer me all I need to know and do. Thank you!

Have you ASHKED your H if he would go see a psychiatrist, or are you ASSuming he wouldn't go? Sometimes, when they confess all this to you, it means they are actually ready to get help.

No, I'm not assuming this at all. I HAVE asked H to get help many times, but he has always said no or just shrugged me off, so I quit, but when H told me the other night just how BAD his depression really is, I asked again for him to get help. He said nothing.

If he's not willing to go - please go out and buy two books by Julia Ross - The Mood Cure and The Diet Cure.... (You may also want to get a book by Dr. Amen, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life ).

Will do!

If H will read these with you and try some of the approaches, great. If not - would he be open to taking vitamins that you give him? Based on what he's saying, 5-HTP would be a good start - he needs to have his serotonin levels raised, and quickly. It also helps with bulimia and compulsive behaviors (that's why Prozac is used for these things, because it raises serotonin levels too).

I don't think I could get him to follow along with the books, but I may be able to get him to take the vitamins if I were to tell him they would help his heart and/or weight management.

Where can I get 5-HTP? Any pharmacy or would GNC have it?

I have bought him multivitamins, and I know he was taking them for awhile, but I think he may have stopped. I'll gently bring this up and try to get him into taking them again if he did stop.

Now - as to the gambling - you need to protect yourself financially. He's confessed he can't stop. Cut up the credit cards, move the money in the bank, do what you need to do.

This is a tough one. We have separate accounts -- H has everything in his accounts and gives me what I need to pay the bills, etc, etc. I do see the bank statements all the time, and everything has always been fine -- even now.

You may think I'm being naive or I'm just ignoring the truth -- maybe I am. But I have ALWAYS had complete trust in H when it comes to money issues. Yes, he loves to gamble and can't really stop -- I've known this for a long time, but let me just say this. H has always been a "tightwad", if you will, with money -- ALWAYS. He is awesome at making money and at saving it. Sometimes I have resented him for being so frugal, but I also respect him for it because I know he is looking out for our financial security.

H always takes a set amount of money with him when gambling and never takes any more than that amount. If he loses once, no biggie. Twice, still no big deal. Three times, H will then give it a rest for a couple of weeks, and let me tell you, H doesn't lose often. This is why he plays so much. Why would anyone want to stop doing something that is making them money? I don't like how often he goes, but I can understand why he wants to all the time. H plays in high limit games where the players are very disciplined, intelligent, and respectable. Of course, there are some players that play wrecklessly, and those players are targets for great poker players like H. By the end of the night, the bad players will have given all their $$$ to H and others.

Again, maybe I am naive, but I am not at all worried about the money.

I am here for H, and I will not give up on him. I told him this the other night. I love him and I want to help him get better. I think he wants it, too, but I think he is really afraid. Of what exactly, I don't really know.

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Well, this weekend didn't turn out the way I had hoped, but with all that happened the other night, I kind of knew it wouldn't.

No Magic Mountain or any other amusement park this weekend.....maybe some other time.

So what did we do? After sensing that H really didn't want to go to a theme park, I suggested, "Alright. We can either go to Great America (it's closer), or maybe go to the city and hang around the pier and take an Alcatraz tour (something I've always wanted to do but never have), or go to Stinson Beach for the day, or we can just go to Reno. What do you think?".....What do you think H chose?

We spent Friday night and all day yesterday in Reno . Not what I wanted, but I did suggest it to make H happy, and it did.

We did have a really good time though . We were with each other the whole time and enjoyed it. We played poker (what a surprise ), but this time we played on the same table which means H let me play high limit for once . Pretty fun! I was nervous playing in that big of a game, but hey, I won some $$$ ! And I got to keep it, too ! LOL!

We also played in a tournament together in which I placed 3rd and won $600. Very cool ! H said he was proud of me; he said I did such a great job, and he thought I was an awesome player. BTW, $600 isn't much to H since he plays big games, but it was to me since I've only played in small games. And the fact that H played in such a small tournament with me said a lot to me. H wanted to share his time with ME instead of being somewhere else in a much bigger tournament.

And in spending all that time together, H did not drink. Not once ! Can you imagine? In Reno? Where everyone's drinking and having a good time? And H CHOSE not to drink. Nice !

Another a BIG plus -- H didn't purge at all this weekend. I've been watching and listening. I think this may have something to do with something I said before we left Friday for Reno. H was looking at a picture of himself taken on New Year's Eve and asked, "Do I look any different now than from then?" I looked at the photo and said, "You look more muscular in that picture." -- Is that an OOPS? I knew not to say "you look good/great" or "you look thinner/fatter". -- Well H seemed stunned and said, "Are you serious?!"

After that he was really quiet and in deep thought. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "Nothing. I'm just really mad at myself because I'm losing muscle mass.....I'm going to start taking my protein shakes and working out again. I haven't been doing it as much anymore; I've just been hitting the treadmill and that's it.....No more. I'm going to stop throwing up; it's f***ing me up. I worked so hard to build up more muscle and now it's fading.....I'm not mad at you for saying that either. I'm glad you said it because it made me realize what an idiot I've been. So no more."......Yes, these were H's words, but I know many bulimics say they will stop and don't, so I'm still looking out.

I also had another insecure moment while in Reno. While playing in the tournament, H and I were on different tables at one point. After the tournament was over:

H: "One of the cocktail waitresses was flirting with me."...... ......
Me: "Really?...hmmm...Which one?"
H: "I don't know. I just remember she was blonde."
Me: "....How was she flirting with you?"
H: "I was ordering a hot chocolate and she said, "You're not allowed to order anything from me if it doesn't have any alcohol in it." I wasn't sure if I heard her right so I said, "What was that?", and she repeated it. I said, "Why's that?", and she said, "How else am I supposed to get you liquored up?" I didn't say anything to her, and when she came back with my hot chocolate, she said she was sorry if she upset me. The guy next to me said, "Man, you got ice coming off of you!" I asked him what did he mean, and he said that I was cold to her."

I think H picked up on my feelings. H grabbed my hand, held it, and smiled at me. OH! That reminds me -- H walked BESIDE me all weekend holding my hand ! I initiated it sometimes, but only after H did MANY times (including the first few times) on his own!

Above all, we did have a fun time together . And did I mention that there was involved?

Thanks for listening.

JV

PS -- I got 2 replies to my post on that depression forum I joined. One was pretty encouraging, and the other......very, very, very troubling, and pretty horrific. I'll talk about them soon.