Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

I don't have much time to post.

Last night took a turn for the WORST , and according to H, it could have all been avoided if I just let him go play cards like he wanted to. Never mind our compromise, huh?

Seeing that I'm limited on time, let me just get to it (and H had been drinking):

H: "No, you're not alright with it.......and I'm not alright with anything."
Me: "What are you not alright with, H?"

H told me again just how much he hates himself. He says I'll never understand what's going on in him. He knows that me and the boys are the best thing that has ever happened to him, but when he looks at us, he hates himself even more and more each day because he's reminded of what a s**t he feels he is.

He said he's a "compulsive gambler, an occasional alcoholic, a piece of s**t, and I don't deserve to live. I REALLY wish you would just leave me."

He admits that he is a bulimic, he knows he's killing himself, and this is why he hasn't stopped; he said he IS trying although not as much as he knows he could. He refuses to become a "fat pig like I was" again.

He said he can't sleep at night and has the worst nightmares ever. H said, "If you even knew half of the s**t I dream about, you'd be gone in a second, JV!" He told me that he dreams about killing others to survive, police chasing him all over the place, and being nailed shut inside of a coffin with a small hole just big enough for the barrel of the rifle (next to him in his dream) to fit through, then he just starts shooting at anyone and everybody.

He said, "I want to die so bad; I want to kill myself all the time, but I don't because of you guys. But then I feel like you would all be so much better off without me. I hate my father, and I hate my mother. I hate my mother! I love her, but I hate her for marrying a piece of s**t like me!"

Then he was telling me he just doesn't understand why I don't leave him; how can I stay with someone so f***ed up as he is.

I told him because ILY, and I can't just turn my back on him when he needs so much right now. I told him I was so sorry for the way that he feels, he must be going through such h*ll right now, and I can't even imagine or pretend to understand what he's going through. I told him I've been worried for so long, but everytime I tried to help or suggested getting help, he has always refused it. I want to help him, but he has to want to be helped.

H said, "ILY, JV, and I would never hurt you or the boys. I'm going to have some drinks with XXXXX, then I'm coming home, and I'll tell you "I'm sorry and ILY" like I always do. That's what I'm going to do because that's just my routine. This is my f***ed up life."



There is so much more, but I have to go now.

What can one do to help a severely depressed loved one when they don't want the help? H needs it so badly.

JV

BTW, I registered on a depression forum last night, but haven't received any replies yet.