Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Alright. Continuing on:

This is quite difficult because it's sooo personal, but I need to get it out of my system, and it's not something I can talk to friends or family about. Maybe someone here can help guide me through this.

During our last heated convo where H said he was leaving again, H had said something so detrimental, so injurious, so hurtful to me. When he got home, he DID sincerely apologize for saying it, but I have struggled so much with being able to just let it go.

My thoughts were going rampant, and I was a complete emotional mess, so since H said he wanted out and it was over, I asked the questions that were bothering me the most at that time (a VERY DUMB thing to do ). That part of the convo (and H with a hateful tone):

Me: "Well, since it's over, can I ask you about some things that have been bothering me? And just tell me the truth because I have to know so I can let this go and move on."
H: "Ok."
Me: "Did you have -- "
H: "No."
Me: "Let me finish please....Did you have with OW? Whether it was oral or penetration?"
H: "No."
Me: "Then why did you stop having with me after that night you never came home?"
H: "You mean that night I f***ed up my tire?!"
Me: "I don't remember. I just know that we stopped having after that night. We did once in January, and you were so not into it. And ever since then when we would, you put a pillow over your face. What is that about? And when I would do what you used to love, you seem to hate it now. Why?"
H: "I don't know why I put a pillow over my face; I'm sorry. I don't know."
Me: "I always thought we had a good life, but you just don't seem to enjoy it anymore. Why? Just be blunt and tell me the truth."
H (very hateful): "If you knew you were in a relationship, and you were only in it for the sake of the kids, and when your spouse wanted when you didn't, but you did it anyway because it's your only option, how would that make you feel?!"
Me: "I would probably feel dead inside."
H: "There's your answer! That's as blunt as I can be."

..... BIG OUCH .....

Now of course, H never left, we have been intimate a few times since that convo, and I do enjoy H still although that "bluntness" is stuck in the back of my mind, and I begin wondering, "Is he REALLY liking this? Or is he just doing this for me?"

(Ok, I had to take a break -- it's some time later now. H isn't here; he's out playing cards with one of our mutual friends. H said he only gets 1 night of poker next week for this; how can I disagree with that? )

So....I am trying to get over that remark, but it damaged so much in me. H said he was truly sorry, and he does still enjoy with me.

Back to last night when we went to bed; and I had a MAJOR breakdown :

Ok...so...we were in bed, H was playfully pretending to be tired, but I was playfully keeping him awake ! One thing lead to another then ! We were both into it (well, I know I was) like in the early days. H was really into making sure I was "pleased"; he always is. After my numerous moments of pleasure, H just "couldn't" anymore even before getting his own "enjoyment" out of it. (I'm sorry -- I'm trying to put this ever so gently so no one gets offended .) To be a bit blunt, H lost his e***tion.
When this happened, I lost it, and I tried so hard not to, but I began crying. I believe I personalized this as H not being into me, and I felt so inadequate, so unfeminine, so unattractive.

H was stunned and held me trying to console me and asked what was wrong. I said I didn't know (because I really was just a mess).

Still to be continued.....H is home now.

JV