Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Lots of highs and lows yesterday. It felt awkward and uncomfortable at so many points.

Before H had left to go to Auburn yesterday, he apologized for not having a gift for me just yet. I told him not to be sorry; I know and understand how much he has to do everyday. H said he was going to get me something to give to me later last night. I told H not to worry about it, and he said, "I HAVE to get you SOMETHING! It's our anniversary."

I called H later in the afternoon to ask what time he thought he'd be back home. I wanted to ask him if he could watch the boys so I could get my nails done. H said he would be home by 3pm at the latest, but he mentioned that he still hadn't picked out a gift for me, so if I could wait until 5pm to go, then that would give him plenty of time to do so. I said alright, I would see him then.

H got home at 5pm like he said. He came up to me, and I noticed he was all sweaty. I asked why and he told me he just came from the gym. H also said, ".....I didn't know what to get you. I knew you wouldn't want earrings or a necklace. I don't know. I'm just not good at buying gifts, so I didn't get you anything." I said, "That's alright. It's no biggie." H said he was sorry, and I told him it's ok, forget about it.............I have to admit that I was somewhat disappointed. I wasn't expecting anything grand, but I would've appreciated at least a card.

Anyway, I went to get my nails done while H took the boys over to MIL's house. As I was leaving the salon, H snuck up behind me! He gave me a kiss and said, "C'mon! Let's go out to eat." I asked if we could stop at the house (right around the corner) so I could change, and he said alright.

We got home, I was changing and then fixing my makeup. H was being playful and taking pictures of me on his phone, and then... !

We went to a restaurant in the next town over. We used to go there from time to time in our dating years and hadn't been there in a long while.

H wanted to have some drinks so we did (I'm not a very big drinker; H is but only on occasion). H had a couple of Coronas and a shot of tequila, and he ordered me a margarita. I've never had one before, but I have had tequila ! I took several sips, and that was all I could handle . The tequila was so strong! If I was still 21, it wouldn't have been a problem !

Me: "I just don't have the stomach for it anymore, I'm sorry. Not like back in the day."
H: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Not like when I used to be able to down at least 3 or 4 shots of tequila at once and not feel a thing until after the next couple of shots!"
H: "I don't remember that. When was this?"
Me: "Back when I used to hang out with FF (female friend)."
H: "Oh."........

FF -- a friend of mine long ago through work that H always hated; I don't even keep in touch with her anymore, and he still doesn't like her! He never knew her personally, but he always ASSumed she was trying to get me to leave him. Let me go into some background here before I go any further into yesterday's dinner convo:

There was a day when I was working (before I met FF) and some guy came up to me. He was picking up on me (I was dating H at the time), blah blah blah, and asked for my number. Instead of doing what I should have (telling this guy "I'm involved"), I gave him a phony number with my name (I couldn't give him a phony name -- my name was on my nametag !). I guess by giving him the bogus number, I felt I was shooting this guy down... nicely ? What I mean is not directly to his face. I'm sorry if anyone has trouble with that -- I was only 19 at the time !

When the guy left, H came up to me a short moment later, handed me a piece of paper and said, "What the h*ll is this, JV?" It was the phony number with my name on it. I was stunned and unsure of what was going on. Before I could get a word in and say, "Did you notice anything about the number?", H said, "I feel like the biggest f***ing moron right now. I was coming by to visit you. That guy you were just talking to was my friend XXXXX. We were talking about girlfriends. He was telling me how he doesn't trust any female; how they'll just burn you and cheat behind your back, and that I should watch out. You know what I told him? I told him, "No way. You're so wrong. You don't know what you're talking about. My girlfriend would never do anything like that to me." He started telling me I was a f***ing idiot to believe that. He said he could come in here, talk to you for a little bit, and get you to give him your number. So I told him to go ahead and try so I could laugh in his face when he came back out. Instead he came out laughing in my face! He gave me that (the paper) and said he told me so.....How could you f***ing do that to me? Do you give your number out to any m'f'er that asks for it, JV? I thought you f***ing loved me, huh? Or was that all BS?" I started asking, "H, did you look -- ", but then he immediately stormed off saying, " I don't even want to talk to you right now. I'm going out with my friends tonight. You can call me later....and you better not ever do this s**t to me again."

Again, I was at work during this. I was trying to keep it together, but I was so angry with myself for not being straightforward with that guy. Why didn't I just have it in me to say, "I've got a boyfriend; Leave me alone!"? Maybe because I liked the attention, but I was involved, so I felt the need to let him down easily.

I had called H after work, apologized for what happened, told him that if he looked at the number then he should have noticed it was wrong but he didn't -- all he saw was my name, and I explained that to him. We talked a lot more, and in the end, we decided to work through it.

During the next couple of weeks after that incident, H would keep breaking plans with me to do something with his friends. I started having suspicions, and one night when H was supposed to be out, I decided to go to his place to wait for him, but when I got there, H's car and a couple of others were there. I walk up to the door, ring the bell, ring it again, then XXXXX opens it, I look inside, and there's H...on the couch...with some girl sitting right up beside him . H turned pale, I was devastated, and turned around to leave, shaking, feeling lost, and nauseated. H came running after me, wouldn't let me go, was apologizing and saying he wasn't thinking right. He thought he was losing me, that I didn't love him, he had been drinking, this girl was all over him, he wasn't into her, but she kept pushing. She kept kissing him, he pushed her away sometimes, but she kept at it, then I got there. A very long night of begging (H), pleading (H), and crying (H and me). We tried to work it out for a SHORT time, but we split up because there was too much hurt for both of us.

So...we were apart for a couple of months although we spoke several times; mostly H calling me. Like I said, there was so much hurt, and one day while I was at work, FF came up to me at lunch, and we just started talking. After some time of becoming good friends, she had told me that she came up to me that day because I looked like I could really use a friend ( my goodness -- was it that obvious???) Anyhow, FF helped me GAL! We went out together and with others (to parties, festivals, the beach, etc.), and I was really enjoying life again. I was also speaking to H less and less, and I had also met someone else -- it was never serious though.

One day, H called and told me he had a surprise for me. I went to his workplace, he came outside with me, and gave me a pager (back when pagers were the "in" thing ). H said he wanted to be able to get a hold of me if I wasn't home. I asked what for, and H told me he missed me, he wanted me back, he wanted his girlfriend (me) back. We talked for awhile and got back together (I stopped contact with the OP).

It was rough; lots of distrust on both sides. I had found out that H was seeing someone while we were apart and still talking to and seeing her on occasion. I was withdrawing again, H finally cut the cord with her, but I still maintained my distance by going out with FF. H was not at all happy about this because I had made many plans with FF to do things and would not break them. I invited him along a few times, but he refused. I think H saw FF as a threat since she was SINGLE. We would often go out to clubs and go dancing. H always let me go, but I knew he was feeling insecure about it because he would always ask how many guys hit on me or how many did I dance with. I always did my best to reassure H that I wasn't looking to meet anyone; I only wanted to go out to have a good time. After that, H started taking me out more and more to clubs, theme parks, baseball games, movies, etc, and I did less and less with FF. She didn't mind; she was happy to see that H and I were on the right track. Then I became pregnant, and well, you know the rest of the sitch from there .

Whew ! Back to last night's dinner convo:

H: "Where were you guys when you would drink like that?"
Me: "At her place."
H: "Who else was there? Any guys?"
Me: "Sometimes. But mostly me, her, and her roommate."
H: "What guys were there? How many?"
Me: "Most of the time it was just the guy FF was seeing at the time."
H: "What about that guy you were seeing? Was he there?"
Me: "......Why are you asking me this?"
H: "I'm just talking. Can't we talk?"
Me: "Yes, we can talk."
H: "So...was he there?"
Me: "....Yeah, just once." (GREAT anniversary discussion, huh? )
H: ".....How many times did you see him?"
Me: "Only a few times over a couple of months."
H: "A couple of months, huh?"
Me: "Yes. When we were split up."
H: "When we were split up?"
Me: "Yeah. When you thought I gave my number out, and then you had that get-together at your house..."
H: "Oh, right, right........So did you sleep with him?"
Me (getting really uneasy and irritated, but keeping calm): "NO, but he did kiss me."
H: "HE kissed YOU?"
Me: "Alright -- WE kissed."
H: ".......So...what ever happened with him?"
Me: "You and I got back together. It was never serious with him anyway."
H: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it just wasn't."
H: "Hmm."
Me: "Thanks for taking me out tonight and making all the arrangements. I really appreciate it." (WHY didn't I do this sooner ? Change the subject, that is.)
H: "No problem. I want to take you out this weekend, like on Friday or Saturday, and just drink and have fun, alright?"
Me: "Alright. We have the whole weekend, and we don't have to get the kids until Monday evening. I would still like to go to Great America or some other amusement park, if that's alright?"
H: "Yeah, we'll see ( ). I still have installs to do, and hopefully I can get them scheduled around the weekend."

We talked more about other things. One time H said, "Wasn't it here that (blah blah blah) happened?" I said I couldn't remember. H said, "I think it was, and I know I had to have been with you.".....Ummm....Ouch. That triggered more BAD thoughts about H's lunches (possibly dinners, too) with OW.

We ordered dessert but got it to go. I thanked H again for the dinner, and he thanked me for earlier ! After H signed the bill, he grabbed my hand and wrote on my palm: "I Love XXXXXXX (me)...Love, XXXXX (H)."

We went to pick up the kids from MIL's then went home. I put the kids to bed, we watched some TV then went to bed. H was playfully acting like he was going to sleep, but I playfully wouldn't let him !

There is more I need to add about after we went to bed, and it's hard for me to do it, but I need to get it out. The baby's up now, so to be continued......

Thank you for listening.

JV