Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Wheeewww....one very tough day today , but I think we made it through ok .

My insecurity, anxiety, and ASSumptions got the better of me this late afternoon. I tried, I REALLY tried to put a reign on them but to no avail. I was a mess on the inside and trembling on the outside.

When H returned home from running errands, I asked if he still wanted to go shopping. H said, "Ummm...no. I'll go later."

Here's where my BAD feelings completely take over . I'm thinking, "H doesn't want to go shopping now because I asked to go, too. He doesn't want to go to the mall ESPECIALLY with ME in case we run into OW; H doesn't want to be seen with me."

After a moment, I was getting upset so I got the baby's diaper bag ready to go out for awhile.

Me: "Are you going anywhere?"
H: "No. Why?"
ME: "Your mom will be here in an hour or so to drop off S9 and S5, so I wanted to know if you'll be here for them when they get here."
H: "Yeah, I'll be here. Where are you going?"
Me: "I don't know, but I need to get out of the house for a bit."
H: "Where are you going?"
Me: "I don't know. I might go shopping."
H: "Did I do something wrong?"
Me: "No, I just need to get out."
H: "JV, talk to me. What did I do?"
Me: "You didn't do anything, H. I just have things on my mind, and I need to clear myself of them."
H: "What things?"
Me: "H, please. You know when I get like this that I need to be left alone. I'll be back in a couple of hours or so."
H: "No. I want to know what's wrong first."
Me: "......I'm having a bad moment, alright?"
H: "What kind of bad moment?"
Me: "......I'm feeling very insecure and afraid right now."
H: "Tell me why."
Me: "You've never asked for any time with (baby) or to take him anywhere before -- "
H: "So this is all because I wanted to take him to the mall?!"
Me: "No, I -- "
H: "OMG. Don't even tell me you thought I was taking him there to see SOMEONE ELSE." ( )
Me: "I'm going. You keep interrupting me. You asked me to talk, and now you won't let me finish."
H: "Alright, I'm sorry. Go ahead please."
Me: "I can't understand how you were acting happy to take (baby) to the mall with you, but when I asked if I could go along, your mood suddenly changed. I felt like you really didn't want ME to go, and yes, since you were going to the mall, it just brought back all the insecurity, all the distrust."
H: "JV, I can't just never go to the mall again."
Me: "I know that, H.....It's just really, really hard sometimes. I can feel so good for days, and then all of a sudden, something happens to trigger the bad things. I know you have NO intentions to hurt me.....These bad feelings might come up from time to time. I'm sorry, and I am trying to deal with them. I just need you to understand that."
H: "I'm sorry, JV. I'm trying. I'm really trying."
Me: "I know you are."
H: "I f***ed everything up so bad. It's all my fault."
Me: "It's BOTH our fault. I'm sorry, too."

H gave me a hug then I left. I took the baby over to my parents' house, and they watched him for a few hours while I went shopping.

H called me shortly after I left and said, "I just wanted to tell you to take all the time you need. Don't be in a hurry to come back on account of me. Buy yourself whatever you want and have fun." I said, "Thank you. I'll only be gone for a couple of hours though."

So I bought a couple of shorts and a shirt, and I also bought a new wedding band for H . Not to get him out of going to the mall himself -- I was already planning on doing this when H came back from AZ last week and told me about him losing it.

On my way home, I called H to see if he needed anything, and he said no thank you. H asked if he could go play cards tonight, I said sure, and he thanked me. H also went last night, so there's his 2 nights for the week .

When I returned home, H came right out and helped me bring in the baby and his stuff. The boys greeted me home, and H gave me a kiss .

Before H left, I was sitting on the couch when he leaned over me closely and said, "So...tomorrow we'll have been married for 8 years." I said, "Yep." He just kept looking into my eyes, kind of deeply, then smiled and said "ILY". H gave me a kiss and said, "We'll do something really cool tomorrow, alright?" I said, "Alright."

Within the following 10 minutes, H probably hugged me, kissed me, and said "ILY" about 5 times then he left.

He's been gone for almost 3 hours now and has called me twice just to talk .

So.....I vented to H , but I think I did it gently and smoothly enough for things not to get out of hand . I probably shouldn't have done that, but I think H and I made it through just fine.

Thanks for listening.

JV