Trying to find our way to happiness

[dodgermf]

+ We watched recorded programs together with H resting his head in my lap the whole time.
+ Bedtime came around, and we were very intimate . When H enjoys me like that, I feel SOOO good!

DAMMIT, I miss that (of course change the H to W in my case)!! When I read that, I can see, feel and smell the Redhead like she's right here. That's not good...

I'm happy for you, it looks like you are really on track JV. Keep it going!

DMF OUT

[ValerieA]

Hi there.

Thanks, D. Things are seemingly going right. When they go this way for longer than a couple of weeks or so with very few bumps in-between, then I'll have an even better sense of being on track. I have been following your sitch as well as other's but since I'm still fairly new to all of this, I feel that I don't have a whole lot to offer other than my support. Thanks again, D, for stopping by and your valued support !

-------------------------

Not a whole lot when on today.

H picked up S5 from school and brought one of his classmates over to play with. H took them bowling before going to pick up S9 from school. Then H took all 3 of them to play mini-golf. H was quite the COOL dad today ! Later I thanked H for doing all that (helping out with the boys -- and even an extra one no less !!).

I called H while they were out playing mini-golf to ask him to pick up a loaf of bread on their way home. He said he would then he said, "I wanted to go play in the tournament tonight, but I figured you'd give me h*ll." BEEP...BEEP...BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!-- H is beginning to push a button there, but I remained calm, positive, and upbeat . I said to H, "No, I wouldn't do that. You CAN just ask me if that's what you want to do, you know?" H said, "No that's alright. I'll stay home." I may be ASSuming, but I DO know my H, and I could tell in his voice that he really wanted to go, so I said, "H, if you'd like to go play cards tonight, go ahead! I don't mind." H said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Yes! Go win big, Daddy!" He was happy !

When they got home, H had forgotten the bread.....oh well.

The poker thing was kind of mildly getting to me, so I went into the bedroom (H was changing):

Me: "I know you're in a hurry to make the tournament, so when you have more time, I'd like to talk about a compromise as far as poker nights go."
H: "Do you not want me to go?"
Me: "No, I told you to go; it's fine. I just feel we need to discuss a compromise."
H: "Well, here's the compromise: I'm going to play in the tournament tonight then I'm coming home. Tomorrow I have to set up the show then I'm coming home. I'm working the show the whole weekend and I'll be home every night. Then I'm going to schedule the jobs and get them done as soon as I can so we can go away and do something next weekend."
Me: "Ok, that's fine,....but I meant something more as a general guideline."
H: "Ok, I agree. We'll talk about it later."
Me: "Alright. Thank you."

Before H left, I wished him luck, he thanked me for letting him go and gave me a hug and kiss .

Alright....the "compromise" I was thinking of was along these lines: I will agree to H playing cards 2 nights a week. These poker nights would be best between Monday through Thursday. Friday through Sunday should be "family" nights.

I don't think I'm really asking for too much seeing how H is away so much.

Does anyone disagree? Or have any thoughts for a better agreement?

If H were to agree to this, I hope he wouldn't perceive this as another possible controlling issue , and I hope he wouldn't agree to it if he feels he is only doing it to make me happy . Should I gently express these concerns to H?

Please -- your thoughts are greatly appreciated! Thank you !

JV

[sage]

JV -- Why not ask him what schedule he thinks makes sense? I'd only do this if you can live with the answer without modifying it, ya know?

Or you could say "I'd like at least 2 nights to be family nights, how would you feel about that?"

Sage

[ValerieA]

Thanks for stopping by, Sage.

JV -- Why not ask him what schedule he thinks makes sense? I'd only do this if you can live with the answer without modifying it, ya know?

Or you could say "I'd like at least 2 nights to be family nights, how would you feel about that?"

The latter sounds best to me. I'll try it. Thank you, Sage.

----------------------

Yesterday had it's ups and downs; I already know to expect that . Here's my list now:

+ POSITIVES +

+ H helped out A LOT with the kids (took them to and from school, went bowling, played mini-golf). IOW, H made the day much more relaxing for me .
+ Hugs and kisses continued.
+ More flirting! At home and over the phone -- very nice !

- NEGATIVES -

- H ASSuming the worst of me when wanting to go play poker.
- When I asked to talk about a compromise on poker nights, H seemed MILDLY defensive about it. (But he DID agree to discuss this later.)
- Although H called to "check in" while he was out playing cards a few times, he kept saying, "I'm just calling to check in so you won't be trippin'." My reply, "I'm not." His response, "Yes you are. I KNOW you're wondering what I'm doing." Again -- he is ASSuming the worst of me .
- H had been drinking while out and was a bit obnoxious and irritating over the phone.
- H didn't get home until 5:30am -- I was bothered but kept my cool.

* THINGS TO WORK ON *

* When compromising, I can suggest what I would like, but then I should ask H how he feels about it. By doing this, he will feel included in OUR decision. (Thanks again, Sage.)
* Getting H to feel more comfortable when he wants to ask for something. Right now, this mostly has to do with playing poker. In the past, there were so many times I wasn't happy about it and clearly showed it to H. This is why I think he always ASSumes the worst now when asking. I have backed down considerably, and I haven't shown him any grief about it. I think if we can reach a compromise/agreement, it may help ease the tension that poker nights create for us.

Alright -- I like listing these things now. They stick in my head much better this way !

H went to Sacramento to pick up more equipment then he's going to Napa to set up the show for this weekend, and H again said he's staying home tonight . He hugged and kissed me (twice ) before leaving.

So far so good this morning. I hope the rest of my day and everyone else's goes well!

JV

[sun387]

JV

Glad to see you made your way over to this forum....There are going to be some hard times, but stay positive and remember all you have learned so far.

You are right about H ASSuming with the poker night...If in the past you always gave him a hard time, it will probably take him a long time to see that you are not...I know my H will take something that happened once and say it happens all the time...That is part of the cloud they lived under during most of the sitch...But keep your PMA up...Things are looking good. Dont forget to see the positives. It is easy to focus on the negative. It is a skill that has to be mastered to look for the good.

Just wanted to drop in on your sitch and see how you were doing.

Maybe on the next poker night, before H leaves give him a boost of confidence to win, it could show him that you are on his side and not bitter about his poker outing. Something like...Win big tonight H....mamma needs a new pair of shoes.

Sun

Sun

[cally]

JV........Do they really play poker there until morning?? That would upset me also if my husband stayed out that late. Because I am sure he has to be exhausted and sleep the whole next day also.

I also wanted to ad something I read in one of your posts. You mentioned being concerned about your husbands bulemia. JV I would bring this up to him. This is a serious serious illness. This is something that is harming him. Has he always been this way or did it just start? Have you ever mentioned you felt he needed help. Maybe this is something you could bring to the attention of his family so they could rally in and help also.

[ValerieA]

Hey, Sun! Thanks for the visit.

Believe me -- I am staying as positive as I can, and ESPECIALLY around H ! I see a HUGE difference in doing this. I may have my doubts every now and then, but I'm not showing it when he's here. I'm enjoying my H .

Yeah, I've thought about H's ASSumptions, and I know it has to do with how I reacted in the past. I now realize he will let this go in his own time.

I have been cheering H on when he's going out for poker night. I always tell him "win big", "good luck", or "go get 'em, Daddy!" I know he likes it.

I also have been focusing on the positives in my sitch as well as continuing to focus on myself. Earlier in my sitch, it was very hard to ignore the negatives, but since moving here to "Piecing" (a positive transition for me), I felt I needed to pay more attention to the +'s while noting the -'s and coming up with ways to work on those -'s. Listing these has helped me a GREAT deal! I can go back to these posts if I'm feeling in doubt and then realize, "Yeah, this happened , but HEY, this also happened ." I do this to keep up my PMA IF needed.

Thanks again for stopping by, Sun, and thank you for your support and thoughts. I always appreciate them!

JV

[ValerieA]

Hi, cally. Thank you for taking the time to stop by my thread .

Unfortunately, yes. Poker goes on ALL night, EVERY night. The game never ends unless too many players leave the table and no one else wants to play to fill the seats. Most of the time, H will get home around midnight or so, but on a bad night where he loses some $$ (which was the case the other night), he can be out even later trying to get back to even. It sucks, but what can I do ? I can't give him any heat about it because it only makes things worse.

Things are going very well right now so I don't want to bring up the compromise issue again just yet. I think the next time H wants to go would be a better time.

Now....the bulemia issue (or is it bilemia? -- anyway). I know it's a VERY serious illness, and I HAVE brought it up to him on several occasions VERY gently and trying not to "back him into a corner".

H has not always been this way. I'm guessing it started maybe about 8 months to a year ago; clearly after H's doctor told him he had to lose weight (A LOT of weight)....or else .

When H lost about 90 lbs in 3 months (he cut way down on eating and was exercising everyday), SIL asked me one day, "You don't think he's doing anything wrong do you?" I asked her what did she mean. SIL said that back when H was still in high school, she knew that H was sometimes making himself (you know what). I told her I didn't think he was doing that. She said alright and to just keep an eye out.

I never suspected anything until about 3 or 4 months ago when H was taking a shower and I heard him getting sick. The bathroom door was locked so I asked him if he was alright. H said yes, he just had an upset stomach. At that moment I remembered what SIL said to me, but I didn't say anything to H. Over the next few months, I would hear H having those moments. Not all the time, but still, it's been enough to have me worried.

Asking H to seek help.....I don't think that's possible. I know he could really use it; I know he needs it. I've brought it up before, and H would say, "I don't do it all the time" or "I'm okay". Once, I brought up what happened to Terry Schiavo. She was bulemic, then unfortunately, she suffered cardiac arrest. This really seemed to have some sort of effect on H because he began filling himself with bananas, orange juice, and anything else loaded with potassium or anything else for a healthier heart.

H has told me that he is going to stop. Do I believe him? I don't know, but I'm keeping my eyes and ears open. I will say that I haven't "heard" anything more since he's been back home.

I don't think I want to bring his family into this. At least not now. If it should reach a certain point that I feel needs more than I can give, then I may have to, but if I do, I know he will be so angry with me. He's told me not to say anything about this to his mom or sister. H doesn't want them to worry. He said he is stopping.

I am worried, but I feel like I can't push the subject with him much more. I don't want to ignore it, but it seems I have to just for now.

Thank you again, cally, for your concern.

JV

[kml]

JV -
there is an excellent bb for family members of persons with eating disorders

http://fishybb.something-fishy.org/

Please check it out - there is a forum for spouses. Bulimia is very serious - and since obsessive-compulsive disorders can be related to eating disorders, it also makes me worry about his gambling - I know you think he has the gambling under control, but it sounds compulsive to me.

I've been through anorexia and bulimia with my own daughter, and know it is not something your H is likely to "just stop" on his own.

Medications (like Prozac) can help about 2/3 of bulimics (and people with OCD).

Ellie

[ValerieA]

Wow! Thank you, Ellie.

I thought enough to go online for help with my M, but why didn't I think to look into seeking help for his eating disorder (ED)?

I've registered on that site but haven't posted yet. I started reading some of the other threads first. Particularly one where the H has the ED. Very similar stuff went on here.

I've also read that I have to talk more about this with H. I can't ignore it and hope that it just goes away. I have to tell H how all this makes me feel; I cannot validate him in any way (not that I have been as far as the ED is concerned). OMG, that's going to be so tough! H told me he wants to hear from me when I notice changes in his appearance, but according to that website, I CAN'T DO THAT!!! I can't tell H he looks great or really good. What do I do?

Thanks again, Ellie. I'm glad you stopped by.

JV