Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Alright I have time for another quick update:

I felt bad about ending the phone convo on a sour note, so I called H while I was going to pick up S9; after I had plenty of time to "chill out".

When H answered ( ), I told him I was sorry for getting upset. I've been stressed out with everything going on today. H said, "Oh. I thought it was my fault." I said, "No, it was me. Well, maybe both of us . Again, I'm sorry." H said, "Ok. Me, too." We chatted a bit before hanging up on a MUCH better note.

...I considered myself a giving person but when I really thought about it, well, it occurred to me that I was quite giving to others in terms of doing things for them but not so much to h. In fact, I think...that doing errands and nice things for my h made me some sort of doormat.

I have thought the same about myself, too. When I take a step back to look at myself, I AM nicer about doing for others; more than for H. It never used to be that way, so WHEN did it change? I would have to say when I felt H stopped doing for me; when H stopped speaking my LL -- Quality Time. Sure, H has asked me to do many things for him as any loving wife would do for her H, and I've always done them, but I think when my love tank wasn't being filled anymore, my attitude toward H asking for "favors" changed dramatically. Like in one of my past posts, I can HEAR my resentment in my responses to H asking for a favor -- Me: " (sighing)...Yes, I can do that," and thinking at the same time, "Sure, I'll do what you're asking for like I always do, but when are YOU going to do for ME?!!!"

Since my needs weren't being met, I felt more and more like a doormat, and with my in-laws saying things like, "JV, you do so much for him. When is he going to see that? When is he going to start treating you better?", it only made my resentment grow even more.

Anyway, perhaps your h is feeling a bit of that?

He very well could be.

...people get irked for all kinds of reasons...if you can let it roll off of you without responding in anger or resentment, you may both feel better.

You're absolutely right. Sometimes I am able to achieve this, other times I'm not so lucky . Another thing to work on .

(Oh, I just thought of another one...maybe he was irked because you HAD agreed to fedx but then changed your mind?)

I would have to say BULLSEYE!!! When I called H to apologize, he stated this almost word for word.

So...next time I agree to something, I have to stick to it. That is, if I want to avoid conflict. ....hmmm....LOL!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sage!

JV

[sage]

(Oh, I just thought of another one...maybe he was irked because you HAD agreed to fedx but then changed your mind?)

I would have to say BULLSEYE!!! When I called H to apologize, he stated this almost word for word.

So...next time I agree to something, I have to stick to it. That is, if I want to avoid conflict. ....hmmm....LOL!

---

OK, put this one in your data bank...h really appreciates it if when I agree to something I stick to it!

Sage

[ValerieA]

Got it, Sage! Thanks again!

H called about an hour and a half ago. When I answered and said "hello", H said, "Hey, Mommy!" in kind of a sexy way . So I said, "Hey, Daddy!" in the same way!

WOW! H actually asked me how MY day went! AAAAANNNDDD H listened without interrupting ! I could hardly believe it!....Wait a minute....was that MY H???!!!!....Whoever it was, I hope he calls again!

JV

[slowly]

Hi JV

H called about an hour and a half ago. When I answered and said "hello", H said, "Hey, Mommy!" in kind of a sexy way . So I said, "Hey, Daddy!" in the same way!

Keeping things light really works for us too. I get away with a lot more when I can put my 'complaint' across in a jokey way. Good stuff happening here, JV.

Slowly

[ValerieA]

Thanks for the visit, Slowly.

Yes, good things are happening!

Not much to report about from the last few days. H has called everyday and has been nice to talk to. He asked me if I was sleeping alright (early after the bomb dropped, I was getting NO sleep -- this has stopped for the past couple of months). I told H I was sleeping fine, thanks for asking. H, on the other hand, isn't sleeping well. (bf) snores VERY loudly and all through the night he said. Poor H! He says he misses us and can't wait to get home. That should be some time on Tuesday.

I've just been keeping myself busy with trying to reorganize things in the house; a TOUGH task with a very clingy little one ! MIL is taking the baby to her house later this afternoon so I can get my stuff done. I want the house to be clean, managed, and very warm for H's arrival!

I can feel my PMA coming through !

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Enjoy !

JV

[ValerieA]

Well.....I didn't sleep too good last night. I was waiting to hear from H, but he never called. I tried calling him, but no answer, so I left a voicemail to see how his day had gone and asked for him to give me a call......It's about 1pm now and still no word from H.

I don't want to call him again; I don't want to "pursue".

My mind has just been going crazy. Hmmm...it was Friday night....did he go out with (bf) to another bar? Was he out playing more poker? Was he asleep already (HA! Very unlikely!)? What was he doing that he couldn't call his wife back?......

We'll see if he calls later tonight. I'll do my best to keep my cool. It's so hard though especially after I told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't call back. I just don't get it .

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Ok. I just have some thoughts I need to get out.

Still haven't heard from H. The boys will be calling him soon to have their nightly chat so I hope H answers for them.

The boys and I went out with my parents, two of my sisters (I have three), and their families for an early Mother's Day dinner. We all had a really nice time. I don't get to see my sisters that often so I'm always very happy when I do. The boys got to play with their cousins which is always the best part for them.

After we went out for dinner, we all went back to my parents' house to check out the progress on their remodeling. Then the kids went off to play, the baby was sleeping, and the guys were doing their thing in one room while us ladies were doing ours in another.

I kind of drifted off into "self-pity land" as I heard my mother and sisters talking about all the great things going on in their lives. All the family vacations and romantic getaways ( ) that were going to take place soon. All the little special surprises their Hs have done for them......I AM happy for them......I just can't help feeling the way I do and thinking, "Why can't that be H and me? Why did things have to go so wrong?"

My family knows NOTHING about our sitch. It took everything I had to not burst into tears in front of them; I waited until I got home.

----------------------

H just called. I had been crying a bit before I answered. H asked what was wrong; he said I sounded funny. I told H nothing, it was just my allergies bothering me . H asked what we did today so I told him about our dinner with my family. H asked, "So.....did you talk to your sisters?" From the way he asked, I knew what he meant because H knows that I talk to them frequently via email; my sisters and I share everything, but I have kept all of this from them. I told H, "Yes, but not about us. We talked about other things." Before H could ask "what other things", I added, "Oh! BTW, BIL was talking about them possibly moving to AZ." H said, "Really?!......So what now? Since BIL's talking about it, it's "cool" now?" I said, "It was never UNcool......When you were talking about us moving there months ago,.....it was harder......It's hard leaving everything here behind."

Then H said, "I didn't want to leave everything behind either......I just feel like we could start all over again out here......Maybe even live easier, too...I don't know." I said, "Well, like I said, let's go out there together sometime so I can check it out."

We talked a little more then H asked to speak with the boys. S9 gave the phone back to me when they were done. H said, "Alright. I'm gonna go do my laundry now, so I'll talk to you later. Take care, pretty girl." I said, "You, too, stud." H said with a tiny chuckle "ILY", and I told him "ILY", too.

All in all, it was a nice convo. I wanted to ask why he didn't answer or call back last night but decided to just let it be. The convo was going good, and I didn't want to foul anything up.

Ok, I've got to get the kids to bed now.

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Hi there. I hope everyone enjoyed their Mother's Day weekend.

The boys and I hung around my parents' for most of yesterday. When we returned home, I saw that there were 2 messages on the machine and a missed call on my cell (I had left it on the charger). All were from H.

I called him back, and he wished me a Happy Mother's Day. H said, "I'm sorry I'm not there to take you out to dinner." I said, "That's alright. It's no big deal." H said, "It is to me....I'm missing too much."

I'm thinking to myself, "Yes, you sure are....You've missed a whole lot over the past couple of years," but I asked H what he was up to. He told me that he had a couple of service calls and hung around boss' house for the rest of the day. He also said he got me a card but didn't get a chance to send it, so he'll give it to me when he gets here tomorrow. I told H thank you. Then he talked with S9 and S5 before hanging up.

So....H gets home tomorrow. I'm not sure what time though. H has a show to work in Napa this weekend, but he will be home for about 3 weeks. Geez -- I can't remember the last time H was home for that long ! And darn -- I was hoping for some , but it's that time of month now . Oh well.

We just received a fax. It's from PG&E -- they have a position available . H has the experience they are looking for to fill this position, and dayshift is available ! It's in Sacramento which is only about 35 minutes away from us! Oh wow! Please say a prayer for us and keep your fingers crossed !

Thank you for listening!

JV

[ValerieA]

Just updating:

H arrived home about 2 hours ago. I was in another room and didn't hear H come in. S5 shouted, "Mom, Dad's here!" I went to the living room to greet H, but he was already in the bathroom. So I went to put some laundry in the dryer, came out, and H was there. I said, "Hey!...A goatee, huh? It's looks good!" H smiled and gave me a nice hug for a minute. It probably would've been longer or something a little more , but the baby started crying so I said, "Sorry. Let me go get him."

I went to change S8mos in his room then H came in there, too. H laid on the floor and when I was done with S8mos, H pulled me down to the floor with him. We were about to hug again, but the baby started fussing again. H picked him up and we had a "family" hug . After that I asked H to watch him for a second so I could dispose of the diaper and stick a load of laundry in the washer.

While I was in the laundry room, H came in there with S8mos. When I was done, H gave me another hug and asked, "Did you miss me?" I said, "Yeah." H gave me a nice kiss then handed over the baby so he could fix something to eat before going to pick up S9 from school.

Later when H returned from getting S9, I was putting clothes away in the boys' room. H came in and said he had a service call to handle (he already loaded the truck with equipment). He said he would be back in time to take S9 to Tae Kwon Do. I told him thank you. My hands were full so H kind of hugged me and gave me a kiss on my forehead.

Ok, I'm a little worried. H has been affectionate since getting here, but he has been very quiet.

My PMA IS here and showing......so....hmmmm....

Maybe because during the times of affection or "attempted" affection, it was just a bit awkward or disturbed by reality (the baby and my hands not being free -- ME not being free)???

OR....maybe H was hoping for a warm welcoming, and unfortunately, I wasn't right there to greet him when he walked through the door.

Maybe when H has to go on his next business trip and after he returns, I need to tell him that I missed him (without H having to ask first).....I'm thinking back to pre-A days when H would return from his trips and he would ALWAYS ask if I missed him. During his A, H never asked that anymore. Today, he did....Now I'm remembering back to one of our first R talks where H told me he didn't think that I loved him. So maybe H wants to hear "IMY" from me without having to ask -- I'll try to remember this next time and see what results I get !

Well, I hope H isn't as quiet when he gets back. I'll try to initiate some convo and maybe a little closeness. Hopefully it helps .

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I'm feeling really good right now ! I have hope but no expectations for my sitch.

I want to focus on the positives in our sitch, and I also want to note the negatives so that I can work on those to change them. So let me start with yesterday:

+ POSITIVES +

+ H hugged me/initiated closeness when he arrived home.
+ H said he wants to take me out for dinner (with or without the kids) to make up for missing Mother's Day. I told H thanks but he didn't have to. H said he knows but he WANTS to.
+ LOTS of flirting going on between us yesterday! H clearly stating he wanted later in a flirtatious way. When I told him it was that time of month, he was bummed but I said, "There are other things we could do ." H really liked that!!!
+ I went to give H a small kiss before leaving to pick up S9, but he gave me a VERY NICE kiss instead !
+ We watched recorded programs together with H resting his head in my lap the whole time.
+ Bedtime came around, and we were very intimate . When H enjoys me like that, I feel SOOO good! Lots of "hot talk" -- stroking H's ego is always a BIG plus.
+ LOTS of holding me close all through the night!
+ H told me again that he does not want to lose me. He loves me.

- NEGATIVES -

- The only one I can think of as far as yesterday went was that I wasn't at the door to greet H when he got home, but that wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened that way .

* THINGS TO WORK ON *

* Telling H "IMY" before he feels he has to ask me.
* Initiating more closeness. I don't want H to feel that I'm always waiting on him to make the first move.
* If I can -- helping H to "feel more like a man". While in bed last night, H told me, "I don't want to lose you, JV....I want to be a man....I just want to feel like a man." I told H, "You ARE a man, H....You're MY man." Then he kissed me.

Ok. Yesterday went VERY well . There are many days ahead of us, and bad ones are bound to come up, but if we're able to have more "yesterdays" than "bad days", then we should be right on track.

Here's to taking one day at a time, feeling a bit more patient and a bit more hopeful.

Thanks for listening.

JV

BTW, I got a "good morning" kiss today!