Hi there.

Thanks, Sherry. It certainly seems as if H has finally made his choice, but only time will tell.

I'm sorry if I sound negative. I've just been thinking about that convo, and although H's words seemed to come from the heart, they are words H has used in previous talks. The only difference is H seemed to REALLY mean it this time.

After that convo, I didn't get the sense of relief I had in prior convos. I didn't feel that optimistic. Maybe because I'm very wary about my sitch now. I feel like the door is slightly ajar at the moment. Not for me, but for H. I've been feeling this way for awhile, and it almost scares me a little.

I'm afraid that after H gets back, and after everything he said to me, that if H asks to go play cards, go to our friend's house, or whatever else......well, I'm almost certain that the door will be closer to being completely shut.

What I'm even more afraid of is that I feel really ok with that. I started this journey scared to death of the thought of H leaving, and now I feel I've reached a point where if he left, well, I might be better off.

Or maybe it's because I just feel really lost. I could go either way right now, but I feel like I can't choose a way. Part of me wants to be with H, but part of me doesn't anymore.

I feel like this has taken more than it's toll on me. I feel like everything that I've known to be secure in my life with H is anything but, and I don't know if it could ever be the same if not better.

I don't even know if I'm making any kind of sense right now.

I want to be with H but then I don't. Maybe I feel like I want to be with him because I still love him, and maybe I feel like I don't because I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want to risk being hurt by him again.

OR....maybe I'm just tired . Oh yeah -- and crazy, too.

As I said in my first post on this thread, this may be my last chance.....This may also be H's last chance.....I've got to get myself together and think about what I REALLY want.

Thanks for listening.

JV

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage