The letters work out the same way for H and me in our sitch. I honestly DO believe I am ready for such a decision. Yes, it'll hurt and be disappointing IF that's the way things were to go, but I just want some comfort in my life; I want to heal. There are things that H said to me in our blowout convo before he came home last time that really did some damage inside of me. I know people say stupid things out of anger all the time. H did admit he went way overboard and apologized, but even still, I feel like I can't get over it, and I don't know if I can feel the same way about him again. It's possible that it could take some time to mend just like getting over his A did.
I do love H, and care deeply for him still. I wouldn't be here on this site if I didn't. I'm just tired of all the hurt, the resentment, and the loneliness. I want to get rid of it, and I guess I see H as being the cause of it.
I know I'm ultimately responsible for my own happiness. I can't depend on H making me happy anymore. All I can do is hope, but not expect, that H will help with it a little.
The phone just rang. It was H; he left this message:
H: "Hey, it's me. I just called to say hi. I'm done working for the night so I'm here at the nearby casino to play some cards. My phone doesn't work too good in here....I was hoping you'd pick up....Well, I just wanted to tell you guys, everybody ILY...and, JV, ILY, too......I hope that when I come home......I want to talk to you, JV. If I don't talk to you tonight, I want to talk to you tomorrow......I just wanted to tell you ILY....and I really want to talk to you.....I feel.....like a complete a**hole.....and I want to talk to you.....and ILY."
Well, I'm thinking I should wait til tomorrow to talk to H. If he's playing poker right now, it may not be the best time for H to say what he wants.
I'm heading over to my friend's now for a few hours or so. I haven't done anything with them in weeks! Should be fun!
Thanks for listening.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
