Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi there.

It's Friday night, the kids are at my parents' house for the whole weekend, and I have nothing to do right now . Oh well! Tomorrow I plan on cleaning the house and re-organizing all the closets. How's that for GAL ?! I'm going to try to see about getting together with some of my friends later on.

Anyhow, I've composed a letter to H. I haven't decided if I'm going to give it to him or not. I know many would say not to, but I must tell you that this is something I've done many times in the past, even post-bomb before reading DR, and H has always been ok with it. I felt it was a great way to express myself to H, and it gave him time to think before talking to me about it -- all this without any tension.

I'm going to post my letter now, and please feel free to share any thoughts you may have. Anyone.

I would also like to mention that there are some very sensitive issues in it that I have not talked about here, and I apologize if anyone is disturbed by any of this.

XXXXX,

There are things that have been on my mind for a long time and I want to say them to you, but I don't know exactly how without crying all the time. It's not your fault that I cry. I am just an emotionally sensitive person; you know that. So like many times before, this is an easier way for me to do it.

I've been thinking about all the guilt you still have, and I understand that no matter how many times I tell you that I have forgiven you or when I try to comfort you, it still may not help make things any easier for you.

When I look back at our interactions with each other, I can see how I probably look miserable to you. I'm not going to lie to you, XXXXX. I am miserable, but it is not because of the affair. I am passed the hurt of that, and I never really cared about what the other person looked like or who they were. The other person could have been Miss Beauty Queen or Miss Piggy. I don't care. The affair was only a symptom of the problems in our relationship.

I can't possibly know what's going on in your mind. We're not mind readers, so with that said, I can tell you what's been bothering me for so long, for a couple of years. It's been the severe lack of time you and I have spent with each other. I know I've told you this before, but maybe I came across to you as complaining, nagging, or attacking when, in fact, I didn't think I was doing that at all. I was only trying to ask for more of your time. Spending quality time with you, XXXXX, and doing things together (other than poker) like in our earlier years makes me feel loved by you. It has never been about any gift you ever bought me. It has never been about a bigger house, new or newer cars, diamond earrings, or anything else. I truly and deeply appreciate those things, and I am forever grateful for everything you have done for the boys and me.

So, yeah, it's nice to have all this stuff, but that's not what's important to me. What is important to me is spending time together. Like I said, that's what makes me feel loved. I can't tell you how it makes me feel when you are gone working for weeks at a time, come home, take the boys out to have fun, then you're off to go play poker for the night. Many times there are 3 or 4 nights in a row of this, then before I know it, it's time for you to go back to work......Where am I in any of that?

Actually, I can tell you how it makes me feel. When you and I don't spend any time with each other, it makes me feel rejected, let down, and so alone. And when you sound upset or irritated with me on the phone, it only adds to it. I dread answering the phone sometimes. I don't want to be asked, "WHAT are you doing?" I'd prefer, "HOW are you doing?" or "HOW's it going?" The latter sounds much more pleasant. It would at least sound to me like you cared. If I do or say something that displeases you, I would like for you to talk to me about it so I can improve what needs to be.

I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining about your job either, but I have to be honest. Yes, it sucks that you have to leave so much for so long and you are constantly stressed out about working for XXXX, but I respect the fact that you are doing what it takes to support us. I always have. And to be even more honest, I think there is a lot more out there for you to look into as far as a new job. The one you have now pays the bills, but I believe it's one of the biggest issues in our family. You've had it for about 3 years now, and although things have always been a bit rough, our relationship has suffered even more because of the demand this job has on you. I know you aren't happy working for XXXX, so why settle for it? I know you could find something that you'd be a lot happier with.

Another issue that's been bothering me is intimacy. Not necessarily just sex. It's more than that. It's about feeling connected to you, both emotionally and physically. I remember when we used to walk side-by-side holding hands or we'd have our arm around each other. That doesn't happen anymore. You walk ahead of me now, and I feel left behind. I also remember how you used to ask me to sit or lay down with you if we were watching something on TV, and that, too, has stopped. I know it's because we have grown apart over the past couple of years, or at least that's what I think. Now, sex. XXXXX, I love the sex we had together, and I thought you did, too, but I feel like you don't anymore. You used to say you wanted it much more, and now I'm the one saying it. When you initiate it, it makes me feel sexy, desired, feminine, wanted, and loved. I don't initiate it because I get turned down or made to feel like you don't really want to, but you're just willing to. I love the intensity involved, most of the time, but sometimes I would like passion and tenderness. Sometimes I don't want to be (bleep); sometimes I want to be made love to.

Lastly, this has bothered me the most. It's the deepest and touchiest concern that I have. XXXXX, you have an eating disorder. Bulemia is a sickness, and I know you know that. XXXXX, you are hurting yourself more than you think. I have seen stuff on this disorder, and it scares me when I think of you doing it to yourself. If you absolutely refuse to get any kind of professional help, and if you won't stop for me or for yourself, then please stop for the boys' sake. They need you around, Daddy. I'm sorry. This really hurts and scares me to death. I love you, and I care so much about you. Please stop!

I hope you're not taking any of this as me complaining or telling you all the wrong things you have done. I am in no way trying to come down on you. I'm just letting you know how I've felt for some time now. I guess like you in a way, I've been keeping my mouth shut to avoid conflict and hurt, but I have learned from you, and myself as well, that silence breeds frustration, resentment, and anger. That's no way to live, and that's definitely not how I want to live. I don't think you do either.

XXXXX, if you're only here for the best interest of the kids, or because it's just easier and convenient this way for you, then we should split up. I really want to be with you, but I also need to feel more than just cared for. I can't make you change; you have to want to work on yourself for yourself. I know I'm not perfect either. There are things in me that I want and have to change for me and for the boys. They need to have parents who are happy with themselves so they can grow up feeling the same.

Statistically, it's best for the boys if we stay together; we both know this. They are more likely to succeed in life if we do......but is it realistic or healthy to stay together and just keep quiet for the rest of our lives? I get the sense that this is what you're doing. You have said many times that you've wanted out yet you still remain. Am I completely wrong? Or am I right to a certain extent?

You're right, XXXXX. We have had many problems throughout our relationship, and we've always managed to get through them somehow. I think if we could find a way to forgive each other for our mistakes in our life together and work through the fog, well, I just think there is some amount of hope. There doesn't need to be loads of it, and bad days are bound to happen. A perfect marriage does not exist, but if we could find a way to get through this, and learn to be more loving to each other, then there's the possibility of having a relationship that we could both be proud of; one that the both of us could be happy with. Is that something you'd like to have? Is it something you'd like to try for?

XXXXX, if you just don't think that you could feel the same way you used to about me long ago, and if you can't do any little bit of the things I'm asking for, then you have to let me go. You can't be with me because you feel selfish. You can only be with me because you want to be. I just want to feel loved and be loved again. If I deserve anything, I deserve that. And I hope I'm not sending any mixed messages. Like I previously wrote in this letter, I want to be together, but I want us to be happy together, too.

I love you,

XXXXXXX

Ok, it's getting late and my fingers are cramping up on me.

Like I said, I haven't decided what I'm going to do about this letter. These are major concerns and thoughts I've been wanting to express to H without getting interrupted or emotionally disturbed. Every time I ever gave him a letter, H always had deep consideration for the feelings I expressed.

Please let me know what you think. All thoughts are welcome.

Thanks for listening.

JV