Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi there.

One of the things that my h tells me is that he's ok when I'm upset as long as he knows if it's because of something he's done...iow, if it's blurry what's bothering me, well, that really stresses him out.

This sounds like it could be the case in my sitch as well. In fact, I can recall MANY times when H has said to me, "Will you just PLEASE talk to me? Tell me what is wrong. What did I do?" I always said "nothing" even though it WAS something that H did to bother me.

I think I tend to keep it to myself out of fear of causing a disagreement/argument, and that's because of my inability to control my emotions. For instance, I could be talking to H about what's bothering me, and he interrupts everytime before I'm able to finish. I get irritated, ask H to let me finish, he will say sorry/ok, I start again, but he cuts me off again, and I blow up. I tell H "forget it" because since he won't just let me finish then I don't want to talk anymore. Then H will usually say, "Fine, I WILL forget it."

Hmmm....Thinking about this takes me to goal #3 -- controlling my emotions and THINKING BEFORE I SPEAK. Maybe when I do talk to H about what I feel he's done to upset me, H might perceive it as me complaining/nagging/attacking him. I don't feel like I'm doing that. In fact, I WILL start out mellow, but when he interrupts, it's like H is pushing one of my buttons, then it all goes downhill from there.

Hmmm...I need to come up with a solution to that recurring problem.

The other thing is that I've found that things rarely need to be expressed angrily or with resentment...ASK for what you want as opposed to demanding it, etc.

I agree. I need to go back to just pleasantly ASKING for H to take me out, etc. I say "go back" because I did used to ask, but then H would be too busy with whatever so he couldn't. Or when he said "ok, we will", something would come up with him and we didn't get to go out. I felt rejected and let down all the time. So I've withdrawn from asking and started waiting. Waiting for H to ask me when and if he had the time.

Thanks again, Sage. This has been very helpful to me.

JV