Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Ok now. About yesterday:

H and the boys came home around 4pm or so. They told me all about their great time together!

H took off to go to the gym and came back about an hour and a half later. He took a shower then put his things in the car for his trip. H's best friend (who's a co-worker) was packing equipment from our garage into the work-van.

I was sitting in the living room with the baby while H was in the kitchen. I guess I didn't hear H correctly about the Napa show that I thought was going on next weekend because H said, "....I don't expect this show (in AZ) to do well since it didn't last year, so I should only be gone for 2 weeks at the most 'cuz I gotta stay to do the installs with (bf)." I said, "Oh...I thought you had a Napa show next weekend?" H said, "No, 3 weekends from now. After that, there won't be anything til mid-June."

A short while later, H came up to me and said he was going. My PMA isn't showing because I'm thinking, "Ohhh....another 2 weeks?! How much longer can I do this?!" (Remember -- H has had this job for almost 3 years!!) H gave the baby a kiss goodbye then me. He looked at me for a moment then said, "I'm sorry....I still think you're beautiful." I said, "And I still love you." H said "ILY, too."

H went out into the garage and I followed to see him off. H gave the boys their hugs and kisses goodbye. (bf) wasn't done loading the van yet so we just hung out. H reminded me about the repairman coming out tomorrow (well, today) and said if there was anything else that needed to be fixed to have him do it. We've been wanting to replace the light fixture in the kitchen so H said to have him come back and do it after I had the chance to pick one out. Then H said, "We should definitely do it if we're going to sell the house."... ...S5 heard H and said, "No, I don't want to sell the house." H looked at me, looked away, then said, "Ok, we won't. We'll rent it out then."... ...A few moments later, H asked me, "So you definitely don't want to move to AZ, huh?" I told him, "I never said no. Maybe we could get my parents to watch the boys sometime so we could go out there for a few days and check things out." H said, "We could just take the kids with us." I said, "Yeah, we could do that, too." H said, "Well...I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. When I get back, I need to decide if I'm going to keep working for (boss). Let's go, (bf)!"... !!!

I went back inside, sat on the couch, and the tears started pouring out. Then I heard H coming back in saying, "I can't find my glasses. Have you seen them?" I quickly got up to go to the bedroom so he wouldn't see me crying, but he came in there. H said, "Have you seen -- What's wrong?" I shook my head and didn't say anything. H asked again what was wrong so I told him that I didn't know; I just didn't know what to think anymore. H said, "I'm sorry if what I said upset you.....Can you help me find my glasses please?"

I got myself together as best as I could (I wasn't sobbing; the tears were just flowing) and went around the house helping H look for them. I looked inside while H went looking outside. We spent a good 20 minutes looking around for them and still couldn't find them.

Soon after, H came inside and said, "I found them! Guess where they were....My dumb a** left them on the edge of the truckbed. I'm such an idiot!" ( DARE I AGREE?! No, I'm only kidding!! LOL!! )

Then H sat in the chair I was standing next to and pulled me onto his lap. We gave each other a hug then:

H: "I don't know, JV......I just see it like...We had problems before this thing happened, and we've been able to get through them. I'm not trying to say that it's just another problem......I have so much guilt still. I think about this everyday."
Me: "I know this is hard for you. It's not something that you can just get passed and forget about. I haven't forgotten myself, but I don't think about what happened (the A) everyday."
H: "Well I do."
Me: "I'm sorry. You're having a rough time, and I understand that."

H was quiet for awhile then said he had to get going. H said he was sorry he had to go again and for saying anything to upset me (about selling the house, etc); he said he didn't mean anything by it. He gave me another little kiss then we said goodbye again and he left.

Ok, it's taken me like 2 hours to get this posted! Kids -- you gotta love them!

H called about an hour ago to see how things went with the repairman. He was here to put up the new bedroom door and fix the toilet tank (it's been leaking). I told H everything went well. H wasn't too happy when he asked how much it cost to replace the door. He said, "That's what I get for busting it down...Oh well. Nothing I can do about it." Then H asked me what I thought we could sell the house for. I said I didn't know. There haven't been too many for sale around here lately, and I couldn't remember what the last one sold for. H said, "Call Susan (our realtor) tomorrow and ask her. I gotta go so I'll talk to you later." Then we said bye.

Alright. Ok, I've been thinking again . Uh oh!

I know I haven't been cheery around H much since he got back and before he left. I BELIEVE that my sulkiness (from the past several days and even pre-bomb days) stems from my feelings for quality time with H; IOW, my resentment/anger/frustration I go through when H is home but not spending nearly enough time just being with me or doing things with me. I have tried but failed to not show it in my face. I've been very quiet when H is around (keeping my mouth shut, hoping, and waiting for H to say "let's go do such-and-such).

I recently realized something. I find it uneasy to look at H sometimes. I think it has to do with the anger and resentment I feel. I've felt like H put me on "ignore" for so long; am I doing it now?

So...with the lack of my PMA and the possibility of H feeling "ignored", ....with H noticing my moodiness....could H think (when he sees me quiet and distant) that it's because of his A? Could H be thinking or feeling that I think about it everyday so this might be why he does? (Am I overanalyzing again? Sorry!)

I really think I AM over the fact that there was an OW. I do sometimes have insecurities, and I don't expect them to just disappear. I think what keeps me down is the resentment that's been built up and the emotional "drainage" the back and forth issue has caused in my sitch.

Hmmm...any thoughts please? Am I just crazy thinking too much ? And by all means, be as blunt as you want with me! I don't mind!

Thanks for listening to my madness!

JV