Trying to find our way to happiness

[sage]

JV -- One thing that came out of your "mild" backslide was finding out that h's not inviting you wasn't the slight you imagined. IOW, you found out that he would, in fact, love for you to come but that he hadn't thought to ask.

That's great!

One of the things that's really liberating for me (when I'm successful doing it!) is realizing that h's actions (or inactions) aren't, in fact, about me...iow, for many years I walked around thinking that whatever h did or didn't do was some reflection on how he felt about me...if he left dishes in the sink it was OBVIOUSLY to piss me off, if he forgot milk at the store it was a tacit dig at me (didn't he KNOW how hard I was working? How could he be so thoughtless TO ME!), etc. What it left me with was a lot of anger and resentment and the "screw you" attitude that was not mighty attractive.

Sometime around dday I just dropped the "script" of "what h does is a reflection of his feelings". It may sound completely absurd and impossible to do but, like many things, it's just a habit to be broken. I'm not saying I'm perfect at it (LOL! as if! ) but now I find that I can counsel myself...if I get home and feel frustrated because the clothes are still in the washing machine and I catch myself thinking "I can't believe he did this TO ME!" I am able to catch myself before resentment takes over. I just remind myself (as h did MANY times pre-bomb) "Hey, it's NOT always about ME!"

There are a couple of amazing results that have come from this...

First off, I'm amazed at how much less anger and stress I feel. That seems to have reduced h's anger and stress too! That sort of thing definitely feeds off of each other!

Also, once I stopped "expecting" stuff from h, h started doing more (yes, on his own timeframe but still!). I think the anger/resentment/expectation felt like me trying to control h and he was having NO part of that! But once I eased up on it, well, he really rallied.

Writing this has been a great reminder for me! I'm going to use "maybe it's not a reflection of how s/he feels about me" as my mantra today in ALL interactions!

Sage