Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hey there.

Thank you for reading my posts, for your understanding, and for your words, cally. I truly appreciate it.

I've been feeling resentful for what seems like forever. H has had this current job of his for nearly 3 years now, and nothing seems to have gotten any better. Yes...H travels alot and is gone for anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks at a time....and everytime he returns home, he will do things with the kids for a day or two but never me. I don't even get asked to go along. I'm very fortunate if H takes me out to dinner once every 2 months.

Yes, my H has a very terrible temper. I've learned to deal with it by just leaving him alone when he gets that way. When he does come around, he will apologize. Luckily with the other day's incident, the boys were already outside and didn't have to witness it. The language...yeah, it's bad and I hate it, but that's just how H is. The swearing is there whether he's in a good or bad mood. I guess I've learned to ignore it for the most part.

I totally agree about H needing counseling, but yes, he has to want it and he does not. H has told me that he WILL NOT go for fear of what the doctor will tell him. I asked H a few times over the past 2 years to just try it once, but he refuses everytime, so I don't even bother anymore.

I hate to say it because I know every individual is their own self, but knowing what I know about my H's father, my H seems to be very similar to him. We all resemble our parents in some way, right? I just say this because everything H is doing is what his dad did. They (H and his dad) both had As, said/say this isn't the life they wanted, stuck/are sticking around for the kids' sake, and were/are constantly out playing poker instead of being home during their free time.

I am afraid that my H is only here out of convenience. I think he has a connection with me in some way but not in a way that would help him see what he could be doing to make us both happier (I know, I know -- it has to be all me right now). H is a selfish person by his own admission and told me in a past R talk that he can't let me go because of it.

I love him and I resent him at the same time. Lately, the resentment far outweighs the feelings of love. I'm beginning to feel a little like a WAW. I've told (or maybe "nagged" in his mind) H many times prebomb and only twice post-bomb about my wanting to go out together much more often, and even though he said once "let's do it", still nothing changes.

I have asked for more , it picked up a little then went away again. We have ML only once in the past month, but yeah, H was away for 3 weeks of it. I've tried giving little hints here and there since H has been home, but since he gets back so late from playing cards, his excuse in action is turning his back to me or just saying "good night" and nothing more.

So lately, I just keep my mouth shut, but inside I'm burning up.

I may seem strong at times, but right now is not one of them.

Well, H told me earlier today that he's leaving for AZ again tomorrow. He's got a show to work there with his boss and he'll stay there to do the installs. H said not this weekend but the next there is a show to work in Napa, and after the installs are done for that one, he will have about 3 weeks off before the next show comes along.

Hmmm.....I wonder what H will do during that time off?

Hmmm.....I wonder what H will be doing tonight since he's leaving tomorrow?

I wonder, I wonder, I wonder....

Thanks for listening.

JV