Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi everyone.

H isn't here right now. So I want to update.

Another night of poker for H last night. He asked me if it was alright, and I said yes. Honestly, I was not alright with it at all. I wish he would have just stayed home with me, but if I said that to H, he would've probably gotten a little moody. Yes, I know. I'm ASSuming, but that has always been the outcome when H didn't get to go do what he wanted.

MAJOR backslide this morning, and it was all me . I completely ignored goal #3 (controlling my emotions).

I wasn't too happy this morning to begin with. H had gotten home late again from playing cards.....Before I go any further, I want to explain that my H does not have a gambling problem in case anyone might be concerned. H knows his limits and always has.

So this morning I'm hoping (and having expectations I know I shouldn't have) that H will want to stay home today and do something with me and the kids. Well, I overheard H on the phone with a friend talking about taking S9 and S5 fishing for a few hours , but after that, H wanted to go play cards with this friend . I was disappointed to hear this. Then my disappointment turned into anger, and I backslide BIG TIME.

I was trying to get the boys ready for their fishing trip. At the same time, they were fighting with each other, the baby's crying, and H is yelling in the background, "Go get the baby, JV!" I yelled, "I AM! YOU HANDLE THESE TWO THEN!......When do I get some time to myself, H?! When are you going to help me out more with these boys?! I love them, but I need a break!!! You're gone all the time, and I'm left here all alone with them while you're out doing your thing!" H then yells back, "Well, this is what you wanted! You wanted to be a housewife, and now you want to complain about your life! You f***ing asked for it!" I said, "I'm not complaining about being a housewife or my life! I'm just trying to tell you I need a break!" Then I went into our room (this is what I do when I want to be left alone to cool down), shut and locked the door behind me to get away from H. He came after me, got very angry since the door was locked, and broke it open! Then he walked away. I looked at the door and said, "That's nice, H. That's just great."

H went about doing some things before taking the boys fishing. He later said (still mad), "I'm sorry I broke the door. But when you walk away from me like that, it p*sses me off! It's f***ing childish! Don't do it again!" I said (still mad, too), "I'm sorry I acted the way I did, but you've gone to play poker two nights in a row, and when I heard you say you were going again tonight, I lost it. I just blew up. I just wish you would've taken into consideration the fact that I AM here all the time with the kids, and that I DO need a break every now and then! I know you go through a ton of stress with work and everything else. Sometimes I think you think I have it alot easier, and I don't! I'm stressed out, too, H!" H said, "I know you are, JV! But if you want help, well, you just went about it the wrong f***ing way! But like I said before, this is what you wanted so you have to live with it!" I just looked at him and said, "Why are you here, H? All the hundreds of times you've said that you were going to leave, why are you still here?!" H didn't answer me.

Later when H and the boys were leaving, H snidely said, "Enjoy your day, JV." I said, "You do the same, H."

They got back a couple of hours later. S9 came up to me and asked, "How has your day been, Mom?" I told him fine and thanked him for asking. Now, S9 has never asked me anything like that before so I'm ASSuming that H had him ask me. Oh well. I will admit it was nice.

Then H came up to me and showed me pictures he took on his phone of the boys holding the fish they caught. I smiled and said, "That's cool. I'm glad they had fun." I wasn't upset anymore at this point and thought since H was being pleasant, he was probably over the argument as well. Then H left to go to Home Depot to buy a new door.

When he came back, he tried to put it up, but it didn't fit right. H said it needed to be shaved down to size so now he was going to have to buy a shaver. H said, "That's wonderful.....Don't walk away from me anymore, JV. Don't f***ing make me do that again." I could feel my blood beginning to boil again, but I didn't say a word. I just sat there and let H say whatever he wanted.

After awhile, H came in the living room and said, "I'm leaving." I had nothing to say so H said, "Aren't you going to ask me where I'm going?" I shook my head and said "no". H said, "I'm going to help (co-worker) with his last two installs for today then I'm going to (inaudible). I know you don't care, but I'm telling you so your mind won't be going crazy thinking whatever it is you think. Bye." I said "bye", too, then he left.

(BIG LOOONG SIIIIGGGGHHHH)......What's done is done. I can't take it back. This whole thing was my fault, and I know it. I let my anger, stress, and frustration get the better of me, and now, of course, I regret it.

What can I do to fix this? I can say I'm sorry, which I am, but will H accept it? I don't know.

Thank you for listening.

JV