Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi there. I've been posting in Infidelity, and I am hoping I belong here now.

I don't know how to link my threads but here they are:

Thread #1: "What happens now?"
Thread #2: "When will H's indecision end?"
Thread #3: "He's leaving"

I'll try to post a brief recap now.

H -- 30 (turns 31 in June; frequently travels for work)
Me -- 30 (just turned 30; SAHM)
M -- May 97 (together since May 93)
3 sons -- 9, 5, and 7 mos.
EA -- began early Oct 04
bomb dropped -- late Jan 05

Post-bomb in early Feb 05, H had given me the "ILYBINILWY" dilemma and said he wanted a D because everything he had done in our life together was for my happiness alone. H stated that I knew he never wanted to be a father or a married man. When I (reluctantly) agreed to a D and told H I would be seeking an ATTY, he seemed to have changed his mind overnight. H said he realized that he did in fact love me and did not want a D.

It's been nearly 3 months since the bomb dropped, and I have been on one heck of a roller coaster ride! Who here hasn't, right?

My H has gone back and forth with his indecision to leave. He is having a REALLY difficult time with his overwhelming feelings of guilt. H has said sooo many times that he just doesn't know what to do, and he has tried to put me in the position of making that choice for him. I don't want to do that, but I have told H a few times to leave, and everytime he said he would. BUUUUT....H still remains everytime.

H has been working in AZ for the past 3 weeks and recently came home on this past Tuesday. Before arriving, he was going to leave again after visiting with the kids for awhile. It is now Thursday, and he is still here.

My H made a comment to me in a past R talk that almost everytime he looks at me (doesn't matter what I'm doing), his feelings of guilt suffocate him. These are the times when I see him trying to fight the tears, and these are the times when H feels he wants to leave because he feels I deserve better than him. H just had another of these moments yesterday.

I believe my H wants to be here with me, but like I said, he has a TREMENDOUS amount of guilt that he needs to work through. H will not seek any outside help, and I have come to realize that I cannot speed up the process for him.

I am not a patient person by nature. I used to be looong ago, but it has seriously diminished over the years. I really don't know why.

Lately I've been getting all tangled and mixed up in the drama of my sitch. I am spent, both emotionally and physically. After I began DBing 2 months ago, I was GAL, detaching, and my PMA was looking pretty good. Now, with everything weighing on me (yes, because I let it) due to the continuance of my sitch going back and forth, I am numb and my PMA is nowhere in sight right now. I feel lost.

My H is still home, and I know that is GOOD. Because of the back and forth thing, I feel like this may be my last chance. I don't know how much more I can take, and I'm sure H could be feeling the same way.

H is working in town today and has been in and out of the house.

I read DR again last night, and I've made some changes to my goals. I will post them in the next post (as soon as I can), and I want to respond to the last few replies from my previous thread.

Thank you all for listening.

JV

[BeingMe]

As you say, a rollercoaster. I can only give you the advice most would on the bb, and that is to work on yourself. Make positive 180's, have patience, and try not to initiate R talks. I know, I know, really hard, isn't it? I tried and failed. My H also had an EA, with a woman he knew in high school, so not much chance of my winning my H back, but you still have a chance. All you can do is your best, and if that doesn't work, then you know you've tried. That is my attitude now. I tried, and it wasn't enough for him, so I move on.

Keep posting, and good luck with your sitch. Don't we all need that, 'eh? Good luck, and a miracle or two would not go amiss.

[sage]

Woohoo! Welcome! I'm glad to see you here in Piecing.

Definitely do some poking around here...there's lots of good threads to help you navigate these waters.

Sage

[ValerieA]

Thank you, BeingMe. I do appreciate your words and advice.

Sage, as always, you're great! Thanks for the welcoming.

Alright now. This will probably be a long post, and I may have to stop from time to time. Sorry!

Since I'm acting as if my H wants to rebuild our M, here are my goals:

1) I would like H to take me out more often whether it's to a movie, the city, a theme park, or anything else we did when we were first dating. H would surprise me every now and then by having made arrangements for a sitter himself.

2) H would make pleasant chit-chat with me more. About anything is fine so we could become friends again. H would hold my hand, put his arm around me, etc as we walk together side by side. This would make me feel like we are connected both emotionally and physically.

3) I want to be able to put a reign on my emotions during R talks (these will happen from time to time and are initiated by H). I want to control my reactions and not take any negative comments from H personally (very hard not to). I want to listen, validate, and think before I speak.

4) I would like to have total faith and trust in H again. H will call often to let me know what he's doing or planning to do. When H speaks of future plans, he will include "we" or "us" in them. H will say "ILY" often again.

5) When H suggests doing any kinds of activities together, I will (mildly) enthusiastically agree. H has done for me, I need to do for him now. Who knows? I may find that I enjoy these things as well as H !

6) This goal is for later down the road -- I would like to go back to school when S7mos is a bit older (maybe 2 or 3). I want to begin a career to help take some of the financial burden off of H. I know he would be very supportive of this.

I would like to add that I have seen some progress with goal #4. H does tell me his plans and occasionally calls throughout the day. When he got home from AZ on Tuesday, H had said, "If we ever move to AZ....". My H was saying "ILY" often but hasn't for a month now.

H did ask on Tuesday, "So what's up with a babysitter for next Wednesday? Maybe we can go play in the poker tournament together." I would've rather done something else, but for now I agreed. Finding a sitter on a school night will be tough though.

Well, on Tuesday, H was nice. If I got up to get something, he stopped me by saying, "I'll get it." He ordered out for dinner so I wouldn't have to cook. When we went to bed, he gave me a kiss goodnight and held me close.

On Wednesday, I caught H just looking at me from time to time. I asked "What?", and he just shook his head as if to say "nothing". Later that day, H had another "down" moment. I could tell he was holding his tears in while giving me a hug. I didn't ask what was wrong because I knew it had to do with his guilt again. I used to ask or say "it's alright/ok", but later H told me he didn't want to hear that. (So, if anything, what does H want to hear?) Now I just try to comfort H by hugging him and rubbing his back.

Yesterday, H was a little better. He took S9 and S5 bowling after school. Later when I was outside with the baby, H came out with us. We talked about doing some stuff to the backyard. It was silent for a moment then H asked, "If things don't work out, what do you want to do about the house?" I would like to say that I was stunned, but I wasn't. It's the back and forth issue again. I told H that I wanted to sell the house. H said, "Well...how do you think that's going to affect the kids uprooting them like that?" I said (which I probably shouldn't have), "If we split up, they're going to be affected either way." H said, "...Yeah.....You're right."

Awhile later, I was going into our bedroom to get my shoes to take S9 to Tae Kwon Do. I got to the closet and looked over at H's nightstand. There, open in plain view, was the letter I had written to H back in Feb when we were fighting in Reno. The one he found in the suitcase while in AZ.....Ok, I'm thinking to myself, "Why is this here like this? In plain view as if H just read it or wanted me to see it? After explaining to H that was how I felt at THAT moment and NOT NOW, why didn't he tear it up or just throw it away? Why did he hold onto it?"

For some reason, I became angry. I took the letter and started ripping it to pieces as I was walking past H on the way to the garbage. H asked, "What's that?" I didn't respond so he asked again. I said "nothing". H asked what was wrong, and again, I said "nothing". He asked, "Did I do something wrong?" I said, "No. It's my problem. Just let me deal with it please. Let's go, (S9)!"

When I got back from dropping S9 off, H wanted to continue the convo asking why was I upset. I told him, "I don't understand why that letter was on your nightstand. Why didn't you just throw it away after I explained that it meant nothing anymore?" H said, "I don't know why I didn't throw it away or why I put it there. I'm sorry." I said, "Ok." Then H said, "Sometimes I feel like that letter is......", then S5 came along and the convo ended there.

Later I went up to H and apologized for being upset. H said it was alright and I didn't need to say sorry. I said I felt that I did need to. I leaned over to give H a kiss, but I got a cold cheek instead . Oh well.

There was no closeness in bed last night either. I'm not talking about . I just mean he stayed on his side and me on mine. We did at least say "good night" to each other.

Today H has been in and out again all day for work.

I've been looking back at the past few days since H got back, and once again, I notice my PMA is not there. Yes, we have talked and laughed here and there, but nothing more. I know if I don't watch it, I'm going to blow it, but I just can't seem to find my way right now.

I feel like I really could use some "JV" time. Just some time to myself to relax. Some time without H or the kids. But that is pretty impossible right now. H works, my relatives have to work, and I have to be with the boys. Hopefully, when my parents get back from vacation next week, they'll offer to watch them for the weekend.

Ok, I told you this would probably be long ! H just called and we're taking the kids out for dinner. I'm sure we'll have a pleasant time.

Thanks for listening.

JV

[sage]

J -- One of the things that my h has told me he really has a hard time dealing with is if I'm upset and he doesn't know why. My 2 cents is that next time h asks, give him a more detailed answer. It's great to "own" your feelings and tell him it's "my stuff" but the exchange still seemed a little confusing. It's ok to say "I'm having a hard time dealing with xyz. It's nothing you've done" etc.

Now...if you ARE angry or upset with him, best not to fib about it. For the time being it may be best to keep your negative emotions to yourself BUT that also means don't display them on your face, in your actions, etc.

I'm not suggesting that you stuff your feelings forever but DB'ing has definitely helped me to see that not every feeling has to be "expressed".

Sage

[ValerieA]

Hello there.

Now...if you ARE angry or upset with him, best not to fib about it. For the time being it may be best to keep your negative emotions to yourself BUT that also means don't display them on your face, in your actions, etc.

You're right, Sage. Like I posted yesterday, I've noticed that I've been feeling down for awhile, and I know I haven't done much to not show it since H got back. It's been so hard with all the draining emotions I've dealt with lately. I know I need to stop this NOW, and I'll do my best to be upbeat. I have to remind myself that H is still home, and I want him to be, so I need to make being home appealing for H.

Ok now. We went out for dinner last night with the kids, and we had a nice time like I knew we would.

H's co-worker came to the house when we returned so they could prepare their equipment for today's installs. When they were done, H asked if he could go play cards. I said sure, it was fine. H said, "Are you sure? I won't go if it's going to bother you." I said, "It's fine. I'm not bothered." He said thanks and gave me a hug and small kiss. As he was leaving, H said, "Alright, I'll see you when I get back. You can call me if you get bored or whatever, and I'll call you when I'm on my way home. ILY ." I told H, "ILY, too. Good luck!"

I have been waiting for a month (it seems like forever) for H to say those words to me again! He did, and I think I can see a little of my PMA emerging !

Another positive, H called me several times throughout the night. The first call was about 20 minutes after he left to say, "I just wanted to thank you again for letting me go play tonight. I appreciate it." After that, H called every hour or so just to chat a bit and let me know how he was doing. I received another "ILY" in one of those calls.

I was asleep by the time H got home. He got back very late, or I should say very early before dawn. I don't particularly like it, but when playing poker, it happens on occasion. Anyway, I remember H getting into bed and pulling me close.

A few hours later when it was time to get up, H wanted ! I can't remember the last time when this went on in the morning! Later, we got dressed, had breakfast, and then H had to go to work. He gave me a back rub then a kiss followed by a smile with an "ILY".

A very nice start to hopefully a very nice day!

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Hey there.

I just remembered something from the first call I got from H last night.

H has lost a tremendous amount of weight over the past year (for health reasons). He looks really good and feels really good!

During our phone convo, H was talking about the 7 pounds he dropped while in AZ. H said, "You didn't even notice, did you?" I said yes I did. He asked why I didn't say anything then. I told H I was sorry and I guess I just wasn't thinking. H said, "Well, I've lost all that weight and I'm in alot better shape now, but you've never really said anything." I said, "I'm really sorry, H. I guess since I see you all the time, it just doesn't hit me. I do notice though. Plus after having the call before you got here (H telling me he was leaving again), I didn't know what to say when you got here." Then H said, "Look. I don't care if we're fighting, getting along, playing cards, having , or whatever. I'm not fishing for compliments, but just tell me when you see any difference in me please." Again, I said I was sorry and I would do just that.

So...another positive, right? H is telling me he wants to be complimented much more. I say much more because I DO give him compliments, but evidently not as much as H would like.

Just wanted to get that down. Thanks.

JV

[dodgermf]

Here are the links to JVJKB's threads:

Thread #1:
What Happens Now?

Thread #2:
When Will H's Indecision End?

Thread #3:
He's Leaving


Here you go JV!!!

DMF

LAD 12-4

[andrea]

JV
I passed all night reading your posts... and yes, i can identify so much with your sitch... my h is telling me he same.. he is confuse... he is not happy... he feels his happiness is somewhere else and not with me... but at the same time he cant make any decission of leaving... someimes he said he doesnt wants to mistake again (we had been separate 2 times before and he came back home always telling me there is nothing better than me out there)... i always told him i will not take any decission but that i wil be ok if he decide to D... i will cry a little, miss him, but life continue and sure will be a beautifull one... that i wil love to save my M but that i want to feel loved...!!... I accept i push and pressure a lot by R talks... maybe bc i am so afraid that the final decission from him will be D so why waiting for more time, hurting myself more... reading your post makes me think if maybe i will need to stop any R and wait till time pass... but at the minut later i am o afraid losing time doing that... so... isnt easy... is too hard... i also have 3 kids, they see daddy and mamy so united, sharing moments... they dont know nothing about no intimacy at all between us... thinking of them makes me feel so guilty and sad if this will end on a D... if you can read my post here...
Andrea

[ValerieA]

Oh wow, D!!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to do that! You rock!

JV