Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Thank you, BeingMe. I do appreciate your words and advice.

Sage, as always, you're great! Thanks for the welcoming.

Alright now. This will probably be a long post, and I may have to stop from time to time. Sorry!

Since I'm acting as if my H wants to rebuild our M, here are my goals:

1) I would like H to take me out more often whether it's to a movie, the city, a theme park, or anything else we did when we were first dating. H would surprise me every now and then by having made arrangements for a sitter himself.

2) H would make pleasant chit-chat with me more. About anything is fine so we could become friends again. H would hold my hand, put his arm around me, etc as we walk together side by side. This would make me feel like we are connected both emotionally and physically.

3) I want to be able to put a reign on my emotions during R talks (these will happen from time to time and are initiated by H). I want to control my reactions and not take any negative comments from H personally (very hard not to). I want to listen, validate, and think before I speak.

4) I would like to have total faith and trust in H again. H will call often to let me know what he's doing or planning to do. When H speaks of future plans, he will include "we" or "us" in them. H will say "ILY" often again.

5) When H suggests doing any kinds of activities together, I will (mildly) enthusiastically agree. H has done for me, I need to do for him now. Who knows? I may find that I enjoy these things as well as H !

6) This goal is for later down the road -- I would like to go back to school when S7mos is a bit older (maybe 2 or 3). I want to begin a career to help take some of the financial burden off of H. I know he would be very supportive of this.

I would like to add that I have seen some progress with goal #4. H does tell me his plans and occasionally calls throughout the day. When he got home from AZ on Tuesday, H had said, "If we ever move to AZ....". My H was saying "ILY" often but hasn't for a month now.

H did ask on Tuesday, "So what's up with a babysitter for next Wednesday? Maybe we can go play in the poker tournament together." I would've rather done something else, but for now I agreed. Finding a sitter on a school night will be tough though.

Well, on Tuesday, H was nice. If I got up to get something, he stopped me by saying, "I'll get it." He ordered out for dinner so I wouldn't have to cook. When we went to bed, he gave me a kiss goodnight and held me close.

On Wednesday, I caught H just looking at me from time to time. I asked "What?", and he just shook his head as if to say "nothing". Later that day, H had another "down" moment. I could tell he was holding his tears in while giving me a hug. I didn't ask what was wrong because I knew it had to do with his guilt again. I used to ask or say "it's alright/ok", but later H told me he didn't want to hear that. (So, if anything, what does H want to hear?) Now I just try to comfort H by hugging him and rubbing his back.

Yesterday, H was a little better. He took S9 and S5 bowling after school. Later when I was outside with the baby, H came out with us. We talked about doing some stuff to the backyard. It was silent for a moment then H asked, "If things don't work out, what do you want to do about the house?" I would like to say that I was stunned, but I wasn't. It's the back and forth issue again. I told H that I wanted to sell the house. H said, "Well...how do you think that's going to affect the kids uprooting them like that?" I said (which I probably shouldn't have), "If we split up, they're going to be affected either way." H said, "...Yeah.....You're right."

Awhile later, I was going into our bedroom to get my shoes to take S9 to Tae Kwon Do. I got to the closet and looked over at H's nightstand. There, open in plain view, was the letter I had written to H back in Feb when we were fighting in Reno. The one he found in the suitcase while in AZ.....Ok, I'm thinking to myself, "Why is this here like this? In plain view as if H just read it or wanted me to see it? After explaining to H that was how I felt at THAT moment and NOT NOW, why didn't he tear it up or just throw it away? Why did he hold onto it?"

For some reason, I became angry. I took the letter and started ripping it to pieces as I was walking past H on the way to the garbage. H asked, "What's that?" I didn't respond so he asked again. I said "nothing". H asked what was wrong, and again, I said "nothing". He asked, "Did I do something wrong?" I said, "No. It's my problem. Just let me deal with it please. Let's go, (S9)!"

When I got back from dropping S9 off, H wanted to continue the convo asking why was I upset. I told him, "I don't understand why that letter was on your nightstand. Why didn't you just throw it away after I explained that it meant nothing anymore?" H said, "I don't know why I didn't throw it away or why I put it there. I'm sorry." I said, "Ok." Then H said, "Sometimes I feel like that letter is......", then S5 came along and the convo ended there.

Later I went up to H and apologized for being upset. H said it was alright and I didn't need to say sorry. I said I felt that I did need to. I leaned over to give H a kiss, but I got a cold cheek instead . Oh well.

There was no closeness in bed last night either. I'm not talking about . I just mean he stayed on his side and me on mine. We did at least say "good night" to each other.

Today H has been in and out again all day for work.

I've been looking back at the past few days since H got back, and once again, I notice my PMA is not there. Yes, we have talked and laughed here and there, but nothing more. I know if I don't watch it, I'm going to blow it, but I just can't seem to find my way right now.

I feel like I really could use some "JV" time. Just some time to myself to relax. Some time without H or the kids. But that is pretty impossible right now. H works, my relatives have to work, and I have to be with the boys. Hopefully, when my parents get back from vacation next week, they'll offer to watch them for the weekend.

Ok, I told you this would probably be long ! H just called and we're taking the kids out for dinner. I'm sure we'll have a pleasant time.

Thanks for listening.

JV