You bring up a lot of issues, plus I need to clarify something.
First the clarification, I am fine with the fact that my W doesn’t have an O from intercourse. Really I am! I’m thrilled to ‘do what it takes’ to giver her an O (or two). The reason I brought this up was to eliminate some of the theories the doctors had. Since she can have an O, that means that certain ‘wiring’ is correct. Plus that eliminates many possible psychological issues with her and sex. All of the doctors said that this is a good thing (duh, needed a doctor to tell you that an O is a good thing?), seriously they said that this simple fact is significant physiologically and psychologically.
Now, on to the tissues;
What is normal? You could say that we are just ‘different’ and that neither of us (HD-LD) is abnormal. Sure but to what extreme and who gets to set the scale. I think one of the doctors said it best while describing medical possibilities, this isn’t like a broken bone where you have a binary decision, followed by a analog decision (is it broke yes/no? – how bad is it?) where the analog decision is subjective, at least it can be compared to other cases. Here we have the question, does one of us have a condition that should be addressed, and at what cost (physically, financially, emotionally)?
Maybe if I was LD ad she was LD/ND there wouldn’t be an issue, but needless to say for anyone on here, the differences between is a real problem, but whose problem? Should the Doctor be looking at ways to reduce my desire to better match hers? Hey, why not wouldn’t that ‘solve the problem”?
The frustration of, ‘even if she doesn’t enjoy it’ why wont she just do it because I want/need/ like it?’ is something that LOTS of us have in common. The thing I have realized in My relationship is that even if she does it is a band aid on the problem. Pity sex, emotionless sex, isn’t really sex now is it (or at least not the kind of sex that there should be in a committed loving relationship). I hate to use analogies but in a way it is like trying to get a colorblind person to paint a picture for you. It wont look right for you and you know that eve if they do they wont understand why.
I’m not just looking for the magic pill that makes every thing perfect (would be nice, anyone have some?) but IF you take the leap that she is ‘out of the norm’ and start to rule out the reasons why (the psychologist said her sexual response wasn’t normal and he didn’t think there was a psychological reason why), you need t look at the medical side of things. Plus there are other reasons to look at the medical (cold, fatigue).
I thin the fundamental change emotionally that has happened is that she wants to try to do something about it, whereas before I got the feeling that she felt’ that’s just the way I am’. It makes my life a lot easier knowing my partner is there with me in this. Sure reduces the frustration level even if it hasn’t increased the sexual relationship yet.
Socal, You wanna know what jumps out at me, when I read your posts?
The fact that you maintain that there are no marital problems and that you get along fine and love each other...but yet you say that she gives you "emotionless" sex.
A person with whom you had a great R, would NOT do this, don't you agree?
If she knows it is important to you, why would she be passive aggressively mean while you are ML? Withholding her emotions seems very cold and calculated, although in a "I'm not doing this to huuuuurt you, I just am not feeling anything" way. A person who was putting your needs above their own would be acting in a completely different way. Perhaps not overflowing with desire, but overflowing with love and good will--EMOTION, in other words.
Perhaps you need to gently but firmly reject any sex that has this tone to it. There were times when I would call a screeching halt to the proceedings if it didn't feel right. I wanted sex badly but was not willing to sell my soul to get it. Eventually this type of "offering" faded from H's repertoire.
I know some of you must have felt that I was just desperately looking for the magic pill to solve the LD in my wife. Just looking for the easy out, instead of trying to solve the ‘real problem’. In the question of is it mind or body in my case body was it!!
The details are on her about the lead up to this point, but an endocrinologist finally prescribed thyroid medication for my wife. She started taking it last Thursday and the results are dramatic. (this almost sounds lie one of these spam testimonials I keep getting for different drugs).
Yesterday, she didn’t realize how ‘off’ she had felt until taking the medication and remembering how good she can feel. She told me it was like a fog had lifted. She apologized for not doing something sooner, and felt sorry for what I had gone thru with her. This is an amazing from the woman whoa few months ago was saying that this is just he way she is. The changes are both emotionally and sexually.
We had a leisurely weekend together. Hand holding, hugs for no reason, public displays of emotion, passionate kisses while walking down the street, feeling her hand in my rear pocket, wanting. It is great!! We went out to diner, instead of sitting across from each other, she sat next to me, feeling her press against me while eating dinner was amazing.
Sexually the changes were also dramatic, I have described her as low/no desire, and how it would take a long time to get her aroused. Over the last few days this had changed dramatically, Yesterday for example we ML before diner (been a long time since we had an afternooner), she initiated, shoed LOTS of desire, and was quite aroused before I even touched her. We had great sex where she was an active (to say the least) participant. We went out for dinner and had great time. After dinner I fell asleep during desperate housewives and was awoken to a wonderful feeling of her giving me a BJ. I don’t think I have ever been woken up this way, again she was very aroused, I even guided her hand to show her how wet she had become without me even touching her ‘down there’. The whole package, desire, arousal, initiation, fun and relaxed!!
Medically, I don’t know if it is placebo effect (hey like I care why?) but other low thyroid symptoms seemed to also have been taken care of. She told me that she is looking forward to calling the psychiatrist and telling him, it wasn’t in her head. Her OB/GYN told her to drink a glass of wine before going to bed, that’s all you need, family doctor told us she is healthy there is nothing physically wrong that is causing this, the psychologist said might be a medical problem but most doctors wont prescribe something for that. After LOTS of nagging from me she went to the endocrinologist who said that her lab results were not bad but he would be willing to try to cure the symptoms. YEAH!!!
My wife has been on medication for a hypoactive thyroid as long as she has been ND. The Doctor claims it is under control. Would an endocrinologist view this differently?
Wow...that is great news. So many of us here wish the answer would come in the form of a pill. Your results are so great that I am tempted to crush some thyroid pills in tonite's dinner!
Our doctor said she was fine (TSH 4.27) the endocrinologist said that the scales are a bit subjective, the guidlines used to say that less than 5 was ok, the newer guidlines from the endocrinologist is less than three is normal. Our endocrinologist said that he would treat the syptoms not the numbers!! this is VERY important!!!
