Found this on Slowly's thread where she had moved it from another thread. It is traveling!
But it seems a good reminder not just in relationships but in friendships as well.
Quote: About "lowering" expectations. While that sounds like a step, it's still keeping expectations. Expectations can be not met in two ways: 1. By not having the outcome realized at all and 2. By having the outcome realized but not as expected
So, even with a lowered expectation, the expectation stands the same chance of not being met. But there's more of a reason to get to zero expectations rather than keep them, albeit "lowered".
The question becomes, why do we have expectations, anyway? Isn't it, in essence, a shifting of responsibility from ourselves to another person, thus making them responsible to act according to our picture of what is right and perfect and acceptable? Of course, our own sense of what is idealistic, as I mentioned before, is sure to be met by failure from others, as they think differently than us, will act differently than us, and will do as they see fit, which is perfectly valid for them to do. Additionally, not even we ourselves will always act up to our own expectations, so how can we ever expect others to?
Quote: When others fail to live up to our expectations, we tend to place blame. We tend to get frustrated. That frustration leads to depression. A rift is caused that prevents healing. It creates an "I'm right/you're wrong" competition or division in the relationship. It points to a lack in communication. It means you cannot accept your partner for who he or she is. It creates a feeling of insecurity. It creates distrust. It creates a power struggle for control in the relationship. It's a variation of the "my way or the highway" type of thinking.
Lots of good reasons not to have expectations at all. Ask yourself why must things be as per your expectations? Ask yourself why do you believe that your way of thinking is best or better than others? Ask yourself why do you cling to those beliefs? Visualize what the relationship could be like if you were freed from that thinking. Visualize what your relationship would be like if you and your partner were not chained by the other's expectations but were free to grow and each of you could simply be yourselves and how magnificent it can be to love someone and be loved for being yourselves.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I have written a letter to send with my payment to my attorney. I still disagree with how things happened but feel I have no option but to pay her.
Wondering if anyone has any thoughts on how this sound?
Dear S,
My understanding was David offered $3,000.00 rather than carry my health insurance. He adjusted that after we discussed the work I had done on the house after he moved out. To my knowledge the only ones that discussed attorney fees were you and I, while we were the only ones in the room. My recollection was your asking what I had already paid and then your stating I would likely not owe anything else and if so it might be around $100.00. So we decided not to mention attorney fees at all in the discussion. As I said that was my understanding. I know I was not in a lot of the discussion, which I think was not a good way to handle things. If we had all been together both David and I would have known what was discussed.
I appreciate your offer of the 50% discount because I certainly have no money and don't want to end up with you and I in court over this bill. I shall just look at this whole experience as a learning one! I have received a refund on my taxes so am able to accept your offer.
David still has all of his junk in our house that is sitting empty and still not on the market. The refrigerator ice maker water line broke and ruined the kitchen floor, goodness knows what else may be wrong as the house has been sitting empty since last September. I have tried to get him to buy me out, even offering that he doesn't have to pay me till he gets the house sold. He will not communicate at all.
He has not signed Frostbyte's papers yet. I was told I could possibly go to the court and someone would be appointed to sign for him. Is this a possiblility for me? I feel as long as there are all these loose ends it isn't totally closed. Although for him it is, I think. He has no contact or communication with me. He pays the bills on the house and no other responsibilites and seems happy to just leave things as they are. I'm not sure if he is living with Janice or his sister still. I know he and Janice have been on the road a lot this winter/spring to dog shows. I am not trying to push him on the house as I just don't want to fight with him. But it would be very simple to sign the dog papers and I would like that wrapped up at least.
Thank you.
Sincerely yours,
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam, I used to have serious mood swings in the PMS zone. I mentioned it to my gynecologist and she recommended a multivitamin with Vitamin Bs. I started taking them and I swear the mood swings are gone! Plus, the bloating, tenderness.
In fact, last month I ran out of vitamins and couldn't find the type I had been taking so I went about 10 days without. Guess what? PMS symptoms returned!
There is some discussion about whether B vitamins have any effect other than placebo. Perhaps some of our docs can comment. All I know is that the multivitamin really helped me.
Pam, do you read Jonathan Cainer's horoscopes? I didn't before I started reading this board. I ultimately subscribed to the audio service, which offers a personalized forecast. My new forecast yesterday blew my socks off. He said something like, "Ever heard the story of the person who complains for years about the obnoxious neighbors? The person's whole life revolves around the neighbors. One day they move out, and the person sits there wondering, What'll I do now?" I think that's relevant to those of us who dealt with a difficult spouse, and the trials of separation and D, don't you? What'll we do with all the energy we put into DBing, etc.?
He went on to say that the discomfort I'm feeling now is about the empty space created by the loss of something I now longer need. I'm losing it to make space for something really important to me.
I don't know how scientific it is, but it is kinda freaky!
Apologies to my friend Merrick who thinks Cainer is bunk.
Hope you're taking time to clear space for what's coming next in your life, Pam.
I like those thoughts! I read your thread after I posted and just finished the article had listed on change. Going to read again as lots of info there to take in.
What type of vitamin and vitamin B do you take?
I do take Centruim multi vitamin and I think a B complex, have to look at the bottle again.
You know when I am thinking clearly I have a feeling that I am in a learning/growing stage that is going to be very helpful to me later on. I don't know why I feel it but I do. I kick and scream some about being where I'm at, but feel in reality I am probably right where I need to be for me!
Thank you Michele!
I just needed a reframing?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam, let's throw caution to the wind and reframe! It's kinda like remodeling but you you don't have to wait for a contractor and can use your own tools.
So, instead of "Pam is a divorced woman whose husband left her for another woman (skank) (sorry, that's an editorial aside -- I couldn't help myself)"
Let's try: "Pam is a beautiful woman, a wonderful friend, and a great dog trainer."
That's equally as true as the original statement, isn't it? Just sounds SO much better.
Any reframes buzzing around your head?
BTW, I take NatureMade Mega Multivitamins. I have no idea how many Bs I am supposed to be getting, but this formulation seems to work for me.
Maybe check out Cainer, I haven't in a long time. During DBing I did. Kept seeing things that could be taken that things were going to turn around. But then I think some of them you can see the way you want to see them.
I think I will look for that multivitamin you are taking and see if it might help the PMS.
I'm not sure your second statement is as true as the first but it sure does sound a lot better!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Well, it is habit to look at D's Cainercast when I do mine. Interesting that his yesterday one, today and even weekly seem to focus on past for him.
Can you travel in time? Can you go back into the past and change it? Can you meet up with your former self and pass on vital information about the future?
According to conventional wisdom, the answer to everyone of these questions is a resounding 'no'. But then we have to ask, how much wisdom there ever is in trying to be conventional?
Your current exceptional circumstances demand an unconventional approach. Try, today, for the seemingly impossible and you may just achieve some of it.
Is it possible to have a conversation with a person who is no longer on this planet? Absolutely - and you don't need a medium to facilitate it. Nor, does it need to be one-sided.
The departed may not watch our every move and listen to our every word. Even if they live nowhere else, they live forever in our hearts and can be reached just as surely as all 'closed books' from the past can be reopened and rewritten, if there is enough sincere desire.
Yesterday is now nearer than you think.
Your week ahead: When one door closes, another one opens. Why then, do we need handles? Or locksmiths? All we have to do is work out which closure leads to which opening!
You don't, this week, need to deliberately end something, just so that you can begin something else. It may be perfectly possible to have your cake and eat it.
If, though, you find yourself up against something deeply difficult, you should remember the old adage.
Saturn and Jupiter are both having a strong influence on your chart. You are being guided away from something that won't work, towards something that will.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
It is traveling!
