Hi there, Ellie, Slowly, Koshka, Stubborn, and welcome, KGBKK!
KGB and Ellie, our T is an Imago (Harville Hendrix) -trained T, and so some of what we talk about is childhood beliefs carried into adulthood - I wouldn't have chosen her based on her training, but she has turned out to be a really great mix of solution-based, behavioral T and delving into core beliefs without dwelling too much on the past. She brings us into the present pretty quickly after we start talking about childhood wounds. I've been really happy with her, and so has S. S. found her, and so this is a good reminder that I should dole out some gold stars for that. (WOA of the day... check!)
Yes, Stubborn, I'm pretty swamped with work and overwhelmed with stuff from T and otherwise that I've been processing. Not sure I'm ready to go into the whole T session, but suffice it to say for now that SM's name was never mentioned because S. and I got into a nice little fight on the way to T and we spent the whole T session working out why what each of us says makes the other so defensive (in this case, a misunderstood and poorly stated question from me set him off in an angry tirade, which in turn set me off). It was a very good session, actually, and a lot of things came out. One positive note was that at one point S. reiterated that he wanted to be with me and work it out.
We spent a lot of time on S. again, and I'm really wishing more and more that the T would suggest some individual T for him (with HER), because we usually spend a lot of time murking through his issues. I don't really mind, because it makes me feel NOT crazy, and somewhat validated for the things I'm bringing up as problems and issues with him, but sometimes it gets really frustrating that, for example, I have to wait another week to bring up SM (though that issue temporarily has faded slightly in prominence since there's been no further contact).
Our homework for this week is to continue the talking we started in T, and to begin with a stated intention: "I love you and I really want to hear what you're saying and understand it from your point of view." Then we are to mirror everything the other says. She says for now to skip the validating and empathizing, because we can't even get the mirroring part down yet! (I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying I'VE got it down just fine, it's just Prince Charming over here who can't hear a word I say. Honestly, I've had a lot of trouble saying anything at all to him these days, and I feel I've been a model of listening and not reacting this week.)
Last night around 5 a.m. I was tossing around and realized S. was awake, too. I asked if he was OK, and he went into a long tirade (quiet and calm, but a tirade nonetheless) about his anger that he is so stressed and he doesn’t know if the renovs are going to get done by August 30... Angry at me because he let himself “be bullied into” August 30 when he “should have insisted on September 30.” I kept quiet for awhile, coaching myself not to react, and then I said I was sorry he was feeling so overwhelmed, and asked him if it would help if we talked about what needed to be done over the w-e (in Vermont) and try to prioritize together what absolutely has to happen and what can wait. He responded first with "Well we should have done... and if we had... then we could have..." and then finally got around to answering my question, which was Yes, it would help.
Afterward, he turned over and went to sleep like a baby, and I was left to my tossing, annoyed at his perception (but realizing it wasn't about ME but about the stress) that I "bullied" him. H2H pointed out that if I had said back then "gosh, that sounds like a lot of work, why not give yourself until Sept 30th?" he would have screamed that he needs to collect rent! And I might remind my dear readers that the original date was July 31, pushed back to August 30.
Anyway, it's all H2O under the Brooklyn Bridge. We leave for Vermont tonight, after I pick him up at work. It doesn't seem like much of a vacation for me - I'd much rather go relax at the beach after this horrendous week - but it will be good to get in the garden and the weather is supposed to be nice and not as humid as here, which has been brutal. Yesterday I had to run around a lot in Manhattan (where the pavement is 200 degrees and the heat rises off it to kill a herd of elephants) and I was so exhausted and hot I finally sat my fanny down to a pedicure and manicure to kill time before I had to meet some friends from out of town and to soothe my aching feet.
In other news, we had a prenatal appointment yesterday morning at which my OB-GYN was so cheerful and happy at my progress that S. was grinning from ear to ear and bombarded me with affection on the street after the appointment. We listened to the baby's heartbeat, which was pretty amazing (and so strong!) The doc said, “Everything looks very healthy, and you look great, and the baby sounds great. Keep up the good work!”
S. finally finshed that #$%@&^* deck roof and now can get started on, like, the HOLES IN THE WALL and the LACK OF A KITCHEN. (Vent vent, don't worry, my duct tape is firmly in place.)
I'm looking forward, if not to being in Vermont having a lot of work to do, to at least seeing the tomato plants - they must have little 'maters on them by now... and my cucumbers, and zucchini, and lettuce, and radishes, and pole beans, and bush beans, and soy beans, and snap peas...........
