Wow, thanks for stopping by, friends. There’s nothing really to update, so let me address your points one by one.
Wendy, thank you for the vote of confidence. I’m glad I seem like a strong person to someone, and though I feel strong, times like these make me feel quite hopeless (and hapless).
Forget about the snooping. If you knew only what he believes you know, in what way would that situation demonstrate that he respects your perfectly valid feelings about SM and about his commitment to you and your daughter?
Hard to separate, Koshka, because if I only knew what he thinks I know, then she wrote a quick e-mail to find out about a London friend and he wrote back to say everything’s OK. The end. I guess I couldn’t get too up in arms about that as the single correspondence in months. Yes, he hasn’t told her that we are expecting a child, but neither has he talked to her (at our agreement). So I don’t know. I have to take in to account the snooping, because I know that’s not the only thing he said to her in that e-mail. As far as paternal rights, my belief is that he has a right to his children no matter if he shows me love or not. He doesn’t have to love me in order to want to do the right thing by his daughter and be involved in her life. I have to be able to separate what I want for myself from what’s best for the child, and I believe that having a mother and a father is best for a child. Yes, it means that I need to keep striving to make the R between S. and me work, as long as we both determine it’s worth it to do so. Maybe I've missed your point (highly probable, these days). Am I completely off base?
Stubborn, Your brain (with a little help from some hormones?) is trying to kill you. Yes, my brain tries to kill me on occasion. And I realize I’m getting pushy again, and I need to back off and take care of me. Detaching isn't about distancing. Think differentiation. Not taking things personally. Loving detachment. Thanks for the reminder. Taking things personally is a big'un for me.
Do the things you can do (did you get legal advice yet?) I've never been a big fan of parental (not a typo) rights. The implication is that kids are property. I think parental responsibility is a much bigger issue. You never see anybody drag their butt into court demanding to be allowed to pay doctor bills and stay home with a sick kid and on and on.
No, the legal advice is slated for next week. And by the way, amazingly enough, my BIL is dragging himself into court for just that. He is fighting his XW, not for a reduction in CS payments (they were just raised) because he cares a whit about the money (and he doesn't have it to fling around), but for as much time as possible with his kids, the ability to choose their medical care (since my sister is in fact the one covering his children), and the ability to take care of them, in sickness and in health. All he wants is more time with his kids, sick, needy, or otherwise. I actually do believe that S. has the same level of commitment to his daughter.
Livnlearn, Another thing - folks usually need therapy to help them sustain a relationship, to right one that has gone bad. But therapy to actually entice someone into a committment? This measure of reluctance does not auger well.
I’m in fact going to T at S.’s insistence. Not that I wouldn’t have gone willingly, but this time he has dragged me to T, setting everything up himself (calling and interviewing potential Ts, etc.), even chiding me for not being serious about it when I wanted to start a week later because I needed to go out of town. I hear what you’re saying on the other points. But I have to remind you that S. is “keeping me here,” and I’m trying to figure out what it means and make the best of it. If I thought he wanted me to and would let me leave, I’d leave.
Is S ever likely to turn into a stable, honest, committed, cherishing kind of guy? Has he displayed any of these qualities since you have known him? If not, then how will the future be any different? He has, albeit briefly. I’ve seen periods of true commitment, and I do believe he is very sensitive, loving, and can be honest, given the space to be. I also have to take responsibility for my own part – my controlling behavior, my propensity to take everything personally and as a slight against me, my quickness to anger, my self-protective walls, my inability to listen, etc. I think things go very well when I have these behaviors and attitudes in check. And I have to admit, I hate being the one who has to do it first all the time. But I guess that's what we sign on for when we do this DBing thing. It's hard to remember through the indignance.
Certainly, I don’t blame our problems on me. But I do have to, as Stubborn points out, get my head out of my own keister and continue to work on myself. I am, after all, the only person I can change. (Wait a minute, I'm starting to sound reasonable here...)
By the way, Stubborn, the Daily Snoopis the New York Times.
