I’m having a low day. I’m realizing that S. is pushing me away with every moment he doesn’t address this SM thing with me, and I’m feeling like I’m detaching at a rate that will soon make it impossible for me to live with him. I feel controlled, because every time I mention perhaps not living together, S. freaks out (to the extent that he ever does, which is a slight elevation in speaking voice and wider pupils, not much else) and I feel like I have no other option but to live with him. On the other hand, he doesn’t seem to want to face this issue with me, and upon re-reading Shirley Glass I’m afraid he won’t until it’s too late and I’ve detached permanently. And I’m paralyzed about this – I really and truly don’t know what to do. Detaching on demand isn’t working for me, because he is living in my house while he works on his and is around all the time when I’m not working.
Yesterday, I was having fantasies about calling up an old flame – now, mind you, I KNOW what this is about, and I wouldn’t DO it, but just fantasizing about it was a bit of a wake-up call for me – a man who has a daughter from a previous M and who was hot to have more children… this fantasy right before I went to sleep last night and had a horrible, stressful dream that SM was visiting S. and me (they had not seen each other since they’d been together in Switz) and I was watching their every move for some sign of secret intimacy, twisting myself into a pretzel to make sure I was always in the room with them, etc. I drove myself absolutely crazy (not too far off from reality). I woke up in a horrible mood, no doubt fueled by the Daily Snoop, Late Edition’s revelation that SM had written him back a few days ago and that he had picked up her message right before dinner last night but had said nothing.
Granted, her message was short and did not address the Drama Queen entreaties of his message to her. It basically responded to the one line saying he hoped she wasn’t working too hard with a simple:
[S.], I am working very hard but am getting used to the system here. Glad to hear you’re OK. Just don’t do much traveling these days, OK? :-) [SM]
Now, many of you might think this is a GOOD thing, and granted, it is… in a way. However, this is not her typical "Oh, I'm thinking about you, too" response; on the contrary, it's JUST the type of non-engagement with dramatic overtures that makes S. come running, terrified to lose someone, and I worry (albeit against my will) that he’ll get the same bug that bit him when he was with her and I was non-engaging, and fly right into her web.
Ellie, H2H, and others remind me that detachment was What’s Working before. I just don’t understand how to do it while in such close proximity. I’ve tried to cut down on instigating affection, but he comes to me and cranes his neck all out of proportion to get a kiss, and if it’s too perfunctory, he comes in with his eyes open for another, just to be sure. I’ve tried to be Just the Facts, Ma’am, but he just becomes sullen and cranky (like this morning when we woke up).
On a hopeful note, we decided not to go to VT this w-e, even though Monday is S.’s birthday and his mother’s was last w-e and he wanted very much to go. We stayed home because I am swamped with work - not to mention exhausted from traveling to VT right before GA and then GA - and we’ll go next w-e. This will give me some time around the house (the boys are away, yay!) to relax after a lot of traveling, be with myself, get a lot of work done, and try to stay centered and focused.
Betsey, thanks for the encouragement. I do so need it during these times. I don't know if bringing up how inappropriate I think his friends are will bring more trust into our R or less. My guess is that he'll see me once again as someone who "doesn't understand" him, who "can't see" him and who doesn't know who he is. I am, on the other hand, trying to encourage the friendships that I see as positive influences - one of his colleagues' W just found out she is pregnant, and they invited us to a 4th of July BBQ while I was away. Thank god, is all I can say - an actual, 30- and 40-something couple, married and thrilled about having a baby together! She is due three months after I am. I haven't met them yet, but given the gene pool, they sound divine!
I do so need it during these times. I don't know if bringing up how inappropriate I think his friends are will bring more trust into our R or less. My guess is that he'll see me once again as someone who "doesn't understand" him, who "can't see" him and who doesn't know who he is. I am, on the other hand, trying to encourage the friendships that I see as positive influences - one of his colleagues' W just found out she is pregnant, and they invited us to a 4th of July BBQ while I was away. Thank god, is all I can say - an actual, 30- and 40-something couple, married and thrilled about having a baby together! She is due three months after I am. I haven't met them yet, but given the gene pool, they sound divine! 
