Hi guys, and thank you so much for the support and wonderful insights. I admit to being overwhelmed by it all, and I hope to be able to process more of what you’ve written in the coming days.
T was interesting yesterday. Unfortunately, the topic did not stay on SM or S.’s contact with SM, but ventured into the 20-Something Women Friends – Why So Many? category, which was great for me because I had the obvious support (and a very rare show of any sort of “siding”) of the T, who asked very difficult Qs of S. It’s so convoluted and complicated I don’t even feel like going into it here, but suffice it to say that I’m beginning to think that S. isn’t actually a bum or a deadbeat or a loser, he’s just a weirdo. I’m really only partly kidding.
He kept referring to the past, what had happened in the past (my disinterest in a R with him, my inability to “see” him, my using him for sex ), and the T kept asking him to talk about NOW, saying that he had all the power to change things NOW, and that informing yourself by the past is OK as long as you don’t stay rooted there. She really kept having to interrupt and bring him back. He was frustrated and sometimes flustered, but she stayed with him and he pulled through. He did say that the subject of SM was so overwhelmingly broad that he was reluctant to tackle it in vague terms, but that we needed to get “more specific” – I regret not being able to stay on topic, but talking about the 20-something addiction was illuminating. (Please, my 20-something friends on the BB, I’m not an age-ist, but the volume of very young women S. “meets and connects with on an intimately intellectual level” is quite troublesome to me, considering his age [41] and dearth of male friends or women friends closer to his age.) I was able to say that the reason young women are the ones who he connects with - and not older women, or men - is that these women are available. They are more naïve, ready to meet people, and perhaps more effusive about talking about subjects that are closer to the things they studied in college. I said that no 40-year-old woman in a happily monogamous R would give him her phone number in a bar in order to continue a conversation about Anna Karenina.
Next week for sure I will make certain we start with SM and stay with her.
I was also able to say that my bottom line is to be in a R with someone who doesn’t allow the specter of some other person or people to hang around, and that it was unacceptable to me for him to have any manner of secret, exclusive, intimate (intellectually or otherwise) “friendship” with any other woman, and that this type of R would be a deal-breaker for me. I’m not being so eloquent here, because I’m trying to get it all down, but the T seemed to back me up.
Fast-forward to today - S. and I had a somewhat difficult talk over lunch about our L-T goals and what they were. (Ellie, to be fair, I had simply been asking him to state what they were – I’m not sure I’m getting the nuance over but I don’t think I was pushing him for a particular answer, just AN answer. But I hear you, and I’ve made a note of it to watch myself for leading comments and pushing. Thank you.) I was reiterating my L-T goals and saying that if his differed from mine that we should talk about co-parenting in T rather than spending any more time trying to heal our romantic R. I said I didn’t want to live together under some pretense of a family, and how trapped in NY I felt because I wouldn’t take the baby away, but the finances of trying to afford a separate apartment were daunting (Merrick’s proposal notwithstanding ). S. was defensive and somewhat what-about-me but stayed with me for the most part. I had to bring him back to what I wanted to convey a few times when he got off on a tangent about something he heard that I didn’t actually say. I remained calm, and I reassured him several times that I wasn’t going to take the baby away from him, but it was still a very difficult conversation.
As the conversation became more strained and I felt more like we were standing ground rather than trying to understand each other, we both sort of snapped at the same time. Right as I was putting my face in my hands and “tuning up,” as my Dad always said, S. said, “Jennifer, let me reiterate something to you, because I want to make this perfectly clear. I want to be happy with you, in a relationship with you, and my ultimate goal is for us to be happy, together.” When he saw me starting to cry, he came over to hug me and I ended up by baring all vulnerability and saying I was really scared. I said I was scared of getting hurt again and I was scared of putting my energy toward a romantic partnership if he didn’t want that with me. He said he was scared, too.
It did an amazing amount of good (I thought about H2H as I was saying it, because she’s told me several times that I hardly ever show him [and you on the BB] my true vulnerability). It opened up the dialog for much more tender talk. He said he wanted me to be happy, wanted me to be happy with him. He also said that if I didn’t choose to be with him, and that I found happiness with someone else, then it would hurt, but he’d have to deal with that, because he can’t make me love him. I asked if he wanted me to love him, and he said, “Of course I do.” He said he was scared I would leave, and he doesn’t want me to leave, and granted, I ASSumed it to mean me (and not just the baby), but I’m pretty certain that’s what he meant (at that moment).
Since I’ve been monumentally busy with work, he asked if I could possibly give him some rough estimate of times I would “knock off” from work (I work at home) so that we could spend some time together and not let work just bleed into the whole evening until bedtime. This is the third time he’s asked for QT in this way, saying we need to spend more time together, so that’s encouraging.
I told S. I’d look into going to see a lawyer about a D next week. (Michele, thank you for bringing up making a good-faith effort to look into why I haven’t made a move to end my paper M – I had asked myself the Q many times before but never made myself answer it. My paper H and I had already decided this year to D, because of tax reasons, just before I found out about the pregnancy. And so far I’ve been “too busy” to look into it. S. has brought it up several times as a “barrier,” and while I think it’s an excuse for him, I want to clear MY OWN energy for whatever happens, including being responsible for my own health insurance. I’m a big girl now.)
S. did mention in our conv. something about the possibility of getting M before the baby’s born just to make things easier as far as custody questions, etc., and I said I wouldn’t marry him for that reason. He wants to see a lawyer together about our rights and responsibilities (mainly to make sure I can’t run off with the baby and leave him). I assured him that the father’s name on the birth certificate would be his. He seemed relieved.
Quote: He has resisted true commitment from Day 1 and continues to desperately hang onto a life that will no longer exist as he knew it if he joins up with you. [snip, on to SM] Unfortunately, as with many a fantasy, this seemingly safe haven is clearly one of the more dangerous places he can go, because rather than a innocent coping mechanism, it seems he is just stalling the day of reckoning where he affirmatively assents to a life with you and your child and makes that the single focus of his life. Apart from you, who is it in his life that can help him discover true peace in the decision? Is there anyone?
Exactly, Merrick. I’ve always said that S. says he wants a family but acts like a single man. I wish he had a close friend who wasn’t (a) 20, (b) a misanthrope, (c) a “guy’s guy” (d) someone with whom he’s had an affair. Sadly, the people who could benefit him the most by providing a clear and mature support are far away and not really in the loop. Thanks for the questions. Lots to mull over.
[pant pant] OK, folks, that’s it for now. If you’ve made it this far, you get a GOLD STAR on the house!
I’m really only partly kidding.
). S. was defensive and somewhat what-about-me but stayed with me for the most part. I had to bring him back to what I wanted to convey a few times when he got off on a tangent about something he heard that I didn’t actually say. I remained calm, and I reassured him several times that I wasn’t going to take the baby away from him, but it was still a very difficult conversation.
