Heya,

I'm doing a hit and run here so forgive me if I don't catch the nuances of what's going on I just wanted to respond re. the interaction with SO regarding the emails.

I have felt that "strategic deception" or "lies of omission" or well, "lying" has been an issue at times in my M. The pattern took years to develop (of course) but was also a byproduct of our personalities, histories, etc. I'm quick to respond and reply and think nothing of speaking "my truth" (sometimes quite overwhelmingly for the other party) and h tends to prefer avoiding that kind of scene to the extent of ultimately learning to avoid disclosure to avoid the "consequences". It eventually got to the point where he would avoid disclosures in situations where I'm pretty convinced ( ) my reaction wouldn't have been "bad" but I think he felt pretty shell shocked.

It's been a hard pattern for us to break and it's "painful" for both of us. I still react negatively (though now it's more internal but not necessarily less obvious) when I hear things I don't want to hear and then I beat myself up for it (note that often times what I "don't want to hear" is actually the SPIN I put on stuff that h says that's perfectly reasonable) and h still struggles with dealing with my negative reactions. I can see that we've both grown quite a bit in this regard but it's been hard to watch -- I see us both sort of struggling at times...one step forward and two steps back.

Which brings me to my point...wasn't SO's disclosure that he and SM had emailed actually a big step for him? I thought that historically he wouldn't have even disclosed that much? So, yah, while he didn't disclose the full extent or represent the situation entirely accurately, didn't he make a big bold step by taking on your possible reactions by being honest? (or more honest?)

So, if I haven't misread the situation I would say encourage the behavior you want -- the disclosure -- by making it safe for him to tell you things. Baby steps all the way...so instead of negating what he did do (by tweaking him about NOT disclosing all), relish the fact that he did make a positive step.

Now, if I have misread and just babbled on, well, "never mind"!

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.