Alas one note to MicheleTW got me thinking about the BB and here I am again against my better judgment seeking out fellow NYers.
I have a solution.
Dump S, marry me, move to the leafy suburbs, have comprehensive health insurance, and know that you'll never have to consummate another M because my Church won't stand for it and allow to me to receive communion! In guy parlance, that's known as a soft proposition.
Seriously, the word that comes to mind when reading about S is "surrender". Surrender needn't be a pejorative term, but simply an acknowledgment to forces more powerful to us--and not necessarily divine.
This may sound too simplistic, but S has not surrendered to the notion of being a monogomous husband and father. He has resisted true commitment from Day 1 and continues to desperately hang onto a life that will no longer exist as he knew it if he joins up with you.
I really feel for him because intellectually, he understands responsibility and clearly knows what is the most proper course of action--but he can't make a final decision and stick with it.
One of the most interesting early experiences of my conversion was the palpable interaction between the heart and mind--the intellectual grasping of an amazing revelation and transforming that revelation into a course of action that provided emotional nourishment and satisfaction.
I soon learned that my experience was not unique with lots of folks telling me that the journey betweent heart and was a journey of a lifetime and the longest 18 inches in the world. And it's jounrey that's easy to quit without perseverence. Thus, the key to making a successful journey was to defintiely embark upon making the heart and mind meet, to consciously forge ahead despite the obstacles, and refuse to quit and retreat, i.e., one must surrender to the journey.
With that analogy, I see S as making a pronouncement to take the journey, but a strong desire to retreat or quit to the safe side once the going gets tough. To me, Swiss Miss is nothing more than a diversion from the journey to a simpler past that appears safer than where he has to go. I can really see how it is all so innocent for him, because it is a fantasy. In fact, he may rationalize that's it's better to keep a open-line with her than some other women in the near vicinity where his escape fantasy can become reality.
Unfortunately, as with many a fantasy, this seemingly safe haven is clearly one of the more dangerous places he can go, because rather than a innocent coping mechanism, it seems he is just stalling the day of reckoning where he affirmatively assents to a life with you and your child and makes that the single focus of his life. Apart from you, who is it in his life that can help him discover true peace in the decision? Is there anyone?
Enough of my psychobabble because I also must add that you too have a lot of adjusting to do.
Being lovers and being "parents and lovers" are two very different animals. I failed miserably at my transition and wish I had more help in understanding the distinction (which could take up an entirely new thread). Can the two of you answer the following questions:
What is it that you can do to make J/S truly satisfied in life and why is that important?
What do you gain or lose by doing those things?
Knowing these pros and cons, is it still important enough for you surrender yourself to do these things and making them the most important objectives in your life?
