Quote: So my advice was to hang tight to the information for now, deal with these big issues in therapy (since that's where S. does seem to be able to listen & understand issues better) and to not react from her hurt and anger right now. I thought it best not to play into that difference he might perceive between SM and Jennifer.
I have to agree, now that I no longer have steam coming out of my ears, that she is right here.
Quote: he said just what you were saying all along, that he "made such a big deal about going to therapy" because I wasn't hearing him, that I wasn't able to hear him and listen to HIM.
Quote: Incidentally, I did tell him that my ultimate goal was NOT "to get along well enough to raise our daughter, but to be happy together and get married and have a family." I felt I needed to be explicit about that, because he keeps talking about being in T so we can "get along." He said "Yes, it would be great if things were perfect, but we aren't there yet. It would make me very happy if we could just get to the point where we can talk to each other and get along." I asked him if that was his ultimate goal. He finally said that being happy together and getting married and having a family was his ultimate goal (after I had to tell him again that I wasn't asking about his medium-term goals).
J - is it possible you're not hearing him here? You push him until he finally tells you what you want to hear - that he wants to marry you and be a family - but it really sounds to me like that's NOT what he wants right now (or at least, not what he THINKS he wants.) Why do I get the uncomfortable feeling that he is like the spouse who goes to therapy with their LBS just so they will accept the idea that they are divorcing?
Let's face it - the only reason you two aren't getting along is because you want to be given love and reassurance and support, and he is busy looking for excuses not to do that. Let's see, what has the list been? You're too extroverted, you go out too much, you're in debt, you're too irresponsible, you trapped him, you caused him to lose Swiss Miss whom he would have been happy with, you didn't abort his baby and have saddled him with a responsibility he doesn't want, you might keep him from his baby (which he didn't want), you don't take care of enough things, you don't have intellectual enough discussions about films with your friends.....are you seeing a pattern here yet? All things that are either untrue or that you have remedied already - (or are just the natural sequelae of his own behaviors - he can't be with you because you're insecure, but you're insecure because he's not commiting to you) - so he just looks for another excuse when one complaint is no longer valid.
I do think H2H is right, if you told him you snooped, he'd just turn that into his next complaint against you.
I think you probably have a better idea than I do what will work in your sitch right now, but let me make two comments: - what worked before was you going dark. That is why I have suggested before that maybe you need to drop the rope. At the very least, quit trying to get him to admit he wants what you want - that is pursuit. Go to counseling, let him do the talking, listen - and if the right occasion arises, then just tell him - "I love you. I am a beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring woman and I deserve to be loved too. I am beginning to see that maybe you aren't capable of giving me what I need. I need a man who is excited about living with me, who tells me he loves me, who isn't ambivalent about me and always trying to find fault with me."
- second - please figure out your plan B. IF you knew SO was not going to step up to the plate in this R, where would you want to be? At the risk of looking where you don't want to go, I bring this up because of legal issues. If you stay and have the baby in NYC, at what point might he have a legal right to keep you from moving away? And if he did, could you really support yourself there with your earnings and his (probably pitiful given his cheapness) child support? I'm just thinking, if you moved to a place that was better for you to raise a child as a single parent, you should be established there BEFORE he could make a legal move - I doubt the courts would make you move back, but they might prevent you from moving. Flip side, of course, is long-distance visitation is harder - either he'll see less of his child or you'll be in the uncomfortable position of letting a very small child go far away for visitation. I guess I'm really thinking more intermediate solution - like, someplace nice and cheaper, maybe 3 hours away?? Just get some legal advice about all this, would you, since your sitch is so complicated?
So - I guess my advice for counseling is listen, validate, and observe. If it comes up, just state your desires and boundaries calmly and clearly ("I love SO and desire a life with him. I won't settle for half a loaf, though. I am beautiful and intelligent and loving and strong and I deserve a whole loaf of bread."). Drop the rope of trying to pursue or push SO into saying what you want to hear. And hedge your bets with a plan B so you don't feel as though you "need" SO to come through on the practical matters.
