Quote: Your POV makes me realize that Jennifer's response will have to be chosen based on her priorities.
Yes and this is precisely what I told her when we spoke yesterday - that she needed to decide what her priorities were before deciding her response.
Quote: I think Jennifer has the power to stop letting it work for him in their R.
Yes I think she does have that power, but how she does that, IMHO, can be one of several ways. I disagree with you on that slow & gentle doesn't work. . . I don't think it's easy, but I do think it can work, especially in light of one's other priorities. Perhaps it's more that I believe that clobbering him with the 'facts' definitely won't work. . . Calling someone a Liar is never going to get them to break through their denial, I think.
Quote: I'm also thinking about Gottman's claim that successful Rs are the ones that never tolerated unacceptable behavior from the beginning. If lying is unacceptable, then it shouldn't be tolerated now in the hopes of making progress later.
Yes, I remember that from Gottman too, but if Jennifer is saying that lying is unacceptable, then she's got to 'fess up to her snooping and end her lying. Reading email is, IMHO, a really big thing. I would be absolutely outraged and livid, and it would be a deal breaker for me. I am struggling with this issue of snooping myself - I have very limited ability to snoop, but I do use that ability still. So I ponder this issue often and take it seriously. How can I expect him to be 100% honest, when I am being less than honest myself? Are there ever 'good' reasons for truth bending? Is it okay for me, but not for him?
Quote: H2H, I worry that your response, while much calmer and gentler, has the effect of enabling and perpetuating unacceptable behavior. Hmm, I wonder what the DB coaches would say?
It is hard to say isn't it? I certainly agree that I don't want to do anything to enable or perpetuate the lying. I can only say that confrontation has NEVER (in my own sitch) resolved the issue. It made all matters worse . . . However, if I had chosen to ditch SO, then yes I guess it would have worked because he would have no chance to lie to me. But again I return to the idea that it's not too fair to set standards for others that I myself may be failing to meet. And more importantly, I ask myself what I might get from taking a righteous or judgmental position. Would that get me closer to my goals? And in Jennifer's case, the upcoming baby puts a whole different 'element' into the mix.
I'd be very interested in hearing what the DB coaches say? Hey Jennifer, why not ask your T. (Warren) about it?
-H2H
PS: I think Ellie's suggestion of saying you'd feel more comfortable seeing both her message & his response might be a very idea.... I think it might need some pondering at what his response(s) will be, and how you will respond back.
