Hmm. Interesting, H2H. Yes, my thoughts are sharing space with outrage about this. Your POV makes me realize that Jennifer's response will have to be chosen based on her priorities.
Quote: When lying stops working for him, he will be able to consider why he does it, and how he might want to change that behavior.
I agree. I think Jennifer has the power to stop letting it work for him in their R. I find it hard to imagine what, short of Jennifer leaving, would register as not working for him. I think strategy depends on how much of a deal breaker this is. I don't think slow and gentle ever breaks through anyone's denial. That sad fact is why we all ended up here to begin with.
I'm also thinking about Gottman's claim that successful Rs are the ones that never tolerated unacceptable behavior from the beginning. If lying is unacceptable, then it shouldn't be tolerated now in the hopes of making progress later.
You may well be right about forcing unpleasant comparisons to Swiss Miss. It's a catch-22. Is it really the goal to be the "winner" of a guy who's lying? If S. isn't mature enough to respect someone who demands honesty, then well, maybe Jennifer would rather send him to Switzerland.
I'm probably too harsh and too willing to boot him. H2H, I worry that your response, while much calmer and gentler, has the effect of enabling and perpetuating unacceptable behavior. Hmm, I wonder what the DB coaches would say? It probably comes down to Jennifer's priorities.
