Thanks for checking on me! I'm in rainy Ga. visiting my parents, have been for 10 days, so I haven't had the wherewithal to post. I fly out tomorrow, so you'll get a better update when I return, but here's a quickie rundown.
First of all, I am feeling fantastic and the beautiful, wonderful baby is kicking and squirming more and more every day. She even has a strong will of her own - she kicked me good once when my mom suggested a name and I repeated it - she obviously didn't like it! I went on two good hikes with my family - one 6.5 miles to 5700 feet and one shorter, 4.5-mile one that didn't climb as high. I felt great and strong and the baby loved those great endorphins.
Otherwise, things are good and bad with S. I thought things were OK - we had a good T session, and I left town to S.'s lamenting my departure. He missed me immediately and has been calling a lot. We've had some great little chats, then Thursday night late, a very difficult one, after I needed to talk to him about the pressure I was dealing here with everyone asking when we were getting married. I was very upset, because the pressure extended to finding out that my mother had been "reluctant to tell people" about my pregnancy, which caused a very awkward moment with one of her close friends who, when I brought up the pregnancy (on the phone), she said "OH! I'm glad YOU brought it up - I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about it!" (Huh? What ELSE am I going to talk about when you ask what's going on with me?)
Anyway, the morning after that difficult and late conversation, during which we got cut off and couldn't get back in touch, S. called to say he was sorry he hadn't been able to listen the way he needed to and support me and empathize. All good, right? Nope... an hour later he responded, against our recently renewed agreement, to an e-mail Swiss Miss had sent last week (after the London bombings reminded her of 9/11, which she spent with S., and after not having had any contact since March), with this lovely missive:
Quote: Dear [Swiss Miss], The flood of memories, images and feelings from 9/11 has been intense. Memories of you, of course, of watching burning towers from [my neighborhood] park, that smell; of our time in London [at friend's wedding]; [S.'s friend outside of London's] wedding; the weekend before 9/11 [when they slept together for the first time and he says he was so happy with her]. All together, coming back in a rush - the pure happiness, the shock, the sadness - together almost overwhelming, they bring me close to tears.
And it makes me angry and sad that so many ordinary people, people like you and me and all the people around us have to pay with their lives, have to go through the pain and distress caused by so few zealots.
Getting this note from you makes me so relieved, happy, and torn up inside.
You are in my thoughts often, I am very glad you are safe. I want you to be healthy and happy and not working too hard. I so desperately want to talk to you, but maybe not here in this note.
I sent a note to [friend outside of London] from work to him at work and have not yet heard (but am sure he is safe). I will let you know.
[S.]
So, things are bad. I can't confront him with this, because it was in his e-mail, but now I'm sick at the thought of seeing him at the airport tomorrow. I have to pretend I'm happy to see him, when I just want to scream in his face and tell him to f**k off. He even had told me right before I left that he wouldn't contact her until we'd had a chance to bring it up in T, which is Tuesday morning - he couldn't even wait five days?
Anyway, that's where I am, and I've thought a lot about what you all have said above. Those thoughts later when I have more time to sit here and compose them and I'm safely back at home.
I have to admit, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I've felt like throwing up since this morning, when I saw the message. All the horrible nervous stomach junk that's NOT GOOD FOR MY BABY. And I've talked to him twice since he sent it... oh, he misses me, etc. I'm so hurt and disappointed and angry and sad, and I can't go on much longer like this, certainly not any longer looking over my shoulder for some chick in Lederhosen.
I went on two good hikes with my family - one 6.5 miles to 5700 feet and one shorter, 4.5-mile one that didn't climb as high. I felt great and strong and the baby loved those great endorphins.
