J - Your sitch has been on my mind, and a few things are bubbling up to the surface, so stick with me if this seems disjointed. And note that I am starting from the premise that, since I know you to be a beautiful and intelligent woman, that SO must have redeeming qualities that make him worth fighting for.
Quote: he is still really stuck in the "You chose to have this child and force this on me,"
Now, I must admit - my first reaction to this would be a sentence beginning with a four letter word starting with F. Nonetheless - I feel compelled to point out the possibility that when SO says this, it is really less an attack on you and more an expression of his fear of being a parent. With that in mind, I wonder what would happen if you validated next time he says this? Something along the lines of:
J - "SO, you must find it terrifying to be facing fatherhood when you didn't intend it"
SO Responds
J - "Yes, i find it frightening too. What are you most worried about? SO responds
J - "yes, it is a big responsibility, isn't it?"
SO responds
J - "I know you feel like you didn't get a choice. I feel the same way.But we were both adults who knew birth control isn't foolproof, and that an unintended pregnancy could happen"
SO responds
Note - I've left out SO's responses, because I'm really not clear on how he would respond if you validated him.
Quote: he was saying "I can't even think about marrying her because she's already married,"
I thought you were working on fixing this a while ago??? Or is there still an immigration problem if you divorce now? I agree that SO is using this as a total red herring - a way to try to avoid looking like the "bad guy" because he isn't stepping up to the plate - but there are also legal ramifications for both of you.
I don't know about NY state law, but in most places, when a married woman gets pregnant, her husband is presumed to be the father of the child. It might mean that SO would have to sue to get father's rights. It might also mean that SO could conceivably get out of supporting this child. And you can't exactly go into court and state your marriage is a sham. I recommend getting some legal advice yourself, and figuring out what you must do to straighten this out before the baby comes.
Quote: I started feeling really trapped again, like "This guy is only with me because he wants this baby, and he's going to try to control my life as much as he can." Scary, scary.
Ironic, isn't it, that he wanted you to abort it, but is so concerned about his rights? And let me ask you about your fears of him being "controlling" - was this an issue with him before the affair? How did it manifest itself? Marriage does, in general, make you feel a little "controlled" by the other person, because you are no longer free to do whatever you want whenever you want. Or are there other pre-existing issues with him?
Quote: he kept saying "Why can't there be a third option [aside from getting married and not marrying and living separately] something in between, like where we strive to get along and be good parents?" And I wondered aloud if he meant living together forever, just not as a couple, and I said that wasn't really acceptable to me.
Okay - I've had this stray thought a couple of times now - do you think he wants to live together because it would be cheaper than paying child support? In NY state, can he get out of paying anything if he goes for 50% custody?
I'm thinking you really need to get some legal advice.
I'm also thinking, SO is holding all the cards right now. It's all up to HIM, should he decide to keep you or not??? I went through this with my H when we were first married, and he had that EA with his ex-girlfriend - him sitting around for months, trying to decide who he wanted, me or her. He couldn't really figure it out until I was moved 80 miles away (for school) - then he had the opportunity to miss me, and was able to decide.
I'm thinking SO has to have the opportunity to miss you, J.
