Yesterday's T was all over the place, but a lot of interesting stuff came up. The T started talking about values, and S. listed and talked about his, and she started to ask me about mine when we got onto a tangent about drinking, then sexual inhibition, and then we started to talk about our M issue. I had to explain about my H (reminding everybody that I am M on paper to a good friend who is gay and live with him and his partner), and then we began to talk when time ran out. Here are some highlights...
The T pinned S. down on what the issues were, because he was saying "I can't even think about marrying her because she's already married," and she said "This seems like a departure from what I understood all along, from what you've said and from your intake questionnaire, which was Jennifer wants to marry you but you're hedging, and every time I broach the subject I get 'I don't know' from both of you, and now you're saying her M to [H] is a big issue." And S. admitted that he is hedging. And I can't remember some of it - it was confusing. But we talked about it more when we got home, and he is still really stuck in the "You chose to have this child and force this on me," and a LOT about my divorcing [H], which really only boiled down to that it would make him feel more comfortable in his rights as the father of the child (he said he wanted to consult a lawyer).
He also wants me to tell my parents I'm married to [H] so that they "know the whole truth" and they won't think that we're not getting M because of S. Apparently, he is really concerned about what my parents think of him, related to why we're not getting married, and basically doesn't respect my decision not to tell them about [H], because it shows "I'm not ready to take responsibility for my actions." And I said, "OK, let's pretend for a moment that I wasn't married. Would we be married now?" and I waited, and no answer came, and so I said "No, right?" and I went on to ask then why is this such an issue, to which he got off on another tangent and didn't answer the question. He mentioned consulting a lawyer several times (about his rights and responsibilities as a father). He is really afraid of “losing custody rights.”
I have to say, I started feeling really trapped again, like "This guy is only with me because he wants this baby, and he's going to try to control my life as much as he can." Scary, scary.
I'm not going to change the path I'm on toward trying to work this out and be happy together, but I'm starting to feel like this could be really scary - he kept saying "Why can't there be a third option [aside from getting married and not marrying and living separately] something in between, like where we strive to get along and be good parents?" And I wondered aloud if he meant living together forever, just not as a couple, and I said that wasn't really acceptable to me. Honestly, I have no idea WHAT he thinks. I hope to talk more about this in T next week. He did say that he is "still working on this R, trying to make it better," but he didn't say to what end. He seemed to be implying that he would want this to be a marriage if it were working for us, but right now it's not.
He said he saw the potential for us working through our problems and making each other happy. I asked if he saw progress now, and he said things are starting to get there. (Yesterday we went to the park and had a lot of fun playing catch with our baseball gloves and laughing. We had a fun date last weekend. We're able to talk to each other a lot more easily. We aren't so quick to be defensive.)
He kept reverting to bad patterns in our conv, and I avoided conflict entirely, and kept saying things like "I can see you're not ready to hear how I feel, and that's OK. I can wait to talk to you about this some other time." And after a particularly nasty bout of pouting and childish rejoinders from him, "I'm going to get up and go to the bathroom now, and when I get back, I'm going to go to sleep. I'm finding I can't talk to you about this now, and the way you're responding to me isn't productive."
And when I came back, he said "I'm sorry, I'm really tired and I just can't talk about this right now," and I said "That's fine," and we just went to sleep, each clinging to our own side of the bed.
This morning he was affectionate when he woke up, but my back was to him and I was sleepy, so I didn't really respond. He kept kissing my shoulder. I don't know what is up with him. Yuck.
MidiP, thanks for the WOA! I feel very energetic, and I suppose I’ll be slowing way down soon enough. Thank you, too, Anne, for the WOA. I know deep down that I’ll be fine and my little girl will be fine. It’s just so hard to negotiate these things from such an abstract perspective (she isn’t here yet!).
Thank you, Ellie, your post really has me thinking. I’ll be thinking about it for a while, I imagine. I touched on maybe not living together last night and S. nearly hyperventilated. He started sputtering about how the baby comes first and that we need to put our own needs aside for her. And it sent him on another bout of whiny speak about how HE wanted to be married first before he had children, and HE wanted to be in a happy, stable R, and HE wanted this and that. (As if I didn’t want these things? And every time I say that I wanted them, too, he gets “Superior Man” voice on and says something like “Well, YOU chose to have this child” (as if it were choosing to have ice cream or not? WTF?!?!?!) “without thinking of the consequences.” It’s really astounding that he thinks that choosing to have a child or not is a decision that can be made solely on the basis of whether it’s the perfect circumstances or not. Not perfect? Terminate. Well, OK, if that’s what you believe, but don’t try to force that on me! I certainly don’t subscribe to the religious right’s views on abortion, but I am very clear in my own spirituality that knocking off a pregnancy because “it ain’t convenient” just isn’t in my repertoire.
For all of my friends here who have different religious views and who may be offended by the above, I respect your views absolutely. No offense to you or your religious beliefs is intended.
Michele and H2H, thank you for your questions, and your astute observations. I’m trying to bring these things up in T. What, exactly, does a lifelong partnership mean to S.? What are the alternatives, according to him? Our T seems to want us to wander from subject to subject, but she insists there’s a method to the madness. Next week I will insist on bringing this up again, since we started it and didn’t finish last night.
I’ll close now, and insights from tribal elders is greatly appreciated (and much needed). I’m very confused and scared right now as to what this all means, and what to do about or with any of it.
