Quote: And I had said something about what’s appropriate when you’re “in a lifelong partnership,” and he said, “We’re not in a lifelong partnership.” And I was silent, and he said, “At least we don’t know if we are or not right now.
J - I'm going to propose something here that may be unpopular, but here goes: I don't think you should live with him until you are married.
I say this because I think you risk putting yourself in a position where he has NO INCENTIVE to ever commit to you. I've often wondered how women got themselves into those positions where they were living with a guy and had 3 kids by him and he still wouldn't marry them - now I think I see how it starts.
I know, it seems much more convenient, financially and otherwise, to live together with a new baby coming. But I shudder to think of the pain and aggravation of having to move out in six months or a year when it becomes obvious that SO will never commit, or worse, that he has sought refuge in another affair.
SO needs to make a commitment. I'm not saying now, but before you put your security and peace of mind in his hands. I think he's telling you and showing you pretty clearly that he's not ready to make a commitment to you, and living together and playing pretend family is not going to make that more likely to happen, IMHO.On the other hand, living apart and dating, while he worries about losing you and falls more and more in love with his child and begins to see what a great thing it might be to have a family to come home to, just might bring him around.
Time for a plan B, I'm thinking. I know you talked about going to live at your parents' vacation home, but I do think it's important for SO to see and bond with the baby. Obviously your current roommates didn't bargain for a newborn. Where else could you live that would be comfortable and supportive for you and baby?
I wouldn't present it as an ultimatum to SO, or as a punishment. Just as a statement of what you desire - "SO, I've decided I really don't want to live with anyone unless I have a marital commitment. I think we should date and see where our relationship goes, but until you really want to marry me and make this a lifelong commitment, I don't think we should live together."
