Thanks, H2H, Stubborn, and Wendy. And Anne, it's great to see you again!
I guess I’m feeling positive, though we continue to have these little glitches that threaten to pull us down. Last night was nice – S. came over after I’d had a nap, and I wanted to shower so he cooked a lovely dinner, then we sat down with the boys (my flatmates) to watch two episodes of a three-part PBS series based on Jared Diamond’s book Guns, Germs & Steel that is coming out in July (S. got advance DVDs from a reviewer at his workplace). He even fixed me a second bowl of ice cream (with cherries, none of which were askew!).
So afterward, the boys got up and walked out of the living room, and S was acting a little weird, and I waited, but he didn’t say anything so I asked him if he was coming to bed and I took the bowls to the kitchen. When we got to bed, he started talking about the series, and we talked about it until I started getting sleepy, and I finally said “I’m falling asleep, I’m sorry I’m not really able to respond anymore.” and he said something that led him to say “Nobody wanted to discuss it after it was over – everyone just got up and left the room without discussing the ideas that were presented – and it was so interesting. I can’t believe you don’t do that.”
And that pushed my Value Judgment Alert button, and I woke right up and we talked about it. Being lumped in with the boys like that irked me, as well as S.’s assumption that I didn’t want to talk about it just because I didn’t talk about it RIGHT THEN, when we were going up to bed anyway and I had been sitting on the floor and wanted to get up. And all that boiled down (to me) to his saying, “I can’t believe you have no interest in intellectual discussion.” And with the help of MVE, he saw how it was pejorative rather than an innocuous comment.
We also talked some about our own set of values about what’s appropriate (like his keeping all his old letters from every girlfriend who ever wrote him one – ugh) and how eventually those values will determine whether we decide to stay together or not. And I had said something about what’s appropriate when you’re “in a lifelong partnership,” and he said, “We’re not in a lifelong partnership.” And I was silent, and he said, “At least we don’t know if we are or not right now.” So I guess I can agree, since we aren’t engaged or anything, and we’re still working through some fundamental differences, but it still stung.
But we managed to go to sleep relatively unscathed and today is a new day. His stress level with his house is high (they started demolition Monday and he is basically living at my house now), and his remaining tenants have not moved out yet – 21 days after their last day of notice to vacate. So I’ve been putting a big old filter on my own thoughts and needs for the moment, and it’s been working for the most part, and we’re generally much more loving and cheerful. I’m trying to let things go while this work is being done so I don’t add to his stress.
It’s frustrating, though… I feel so up-in-the-air when he says things like that, though his actions say he’s here to stay. I know he’ll always be here for the little one, but I must admit, a parenting partnership rather than a family doesn’t sound all that rosy to me.
