Thank you, Merrick, SD, and Ellie, for posting. Merrick, I appreciate, as always, your support. I did not roll my eyes and was not tempted to recreate the pukey icon in response. I think that smooth communication between two beings is godlike in a way, because it is so difficult, and when it works, it’s so much bigger than you, so powerful. And this is what we’re working on – understanding and being compassionate toward each other. SD, your question is answered below. We are both bloody miserable because we can’t seem to understand what the other is on about. I’d say this happens 89% of the time.
Ellie, thank you for these questions. They are helping me focus, and I appreciate the time it took to write them out.
are you sure Swiss Miss is out of the picture? Don’t worry, Ellie, I get an early morning edition of the Daily Snoop. Yes, I’m sure he hasn’t talked to her in months. He has e-mailed her twice since we got back together, and I know what he has said to her, and what she responded. Aside from not telling her we’re back together, it was all on the up and up. He won’t contact her again without talking to me about it, or at least that’s what we’ve agreed. I’m quite sure he won’t, because he won’t want to tell her he’s a dad unless he’s happy about it, and we aren’t there yet.
what was SE's motivation in starting therapy? He wants to be happy in our R, he wants to fix our communication problems, he wants to find a way to make this work, because in his mind we have all the elements there, they just aren’t working. He loves me, he thinks we have a million things in common, he WANTS it to work, he is adamant that he be a part of the child’s life no matter what happens to us, meaning, he ain’t goin’ nowhere, so we’d better straighten our R up. Of those things I am sure. We are both miserable (to answer your question, SD) because we can’t seem to communicate or understand each other. It’s gotten so bad that we break down almost every time we try to talk. So he wanted to go to T to work on our basic communication problems. He wants to be understood, and he wants to understand me.
Let me be clear: S. is trying really hard to understand me, and he’s trying really hard to do what I ask him for. It’s not anywhere close to a dynamic either of us can deal with, but he is trying. The things about asking my permission goes deeper than telling me where he is. It’s not that – I was being really controlling about “letting” him do anything without me. That’s where that permission thing came from. He’s really good about checking in and letting me know (now, not before). So that one little problem is OK now.
what worked before? SE came back because he was afraid of losing you when you went dark, right? How can we use this now? Well, I’m already considering spending a few weeks down there, so this will certainly be a short-term fix. I want to go anyway, to spend time with my family, not as a going-dark ploy, though it certainly would work that way. Another thing I’m doing is not accepting every invite to do something with his friends. I’ve jumped at most invites, and quite honestly, I don’t have time to go out right now.
do you think written communication might work better with SE? Not sure, and we see each other all the time, so I don’t know how this would work. It hasn’t really worked in the past – he read it and then forgets about it.
how are you doing on his love languages? Have you gotten him to read that book or at least discuss the ideas in it with you? Yes, he read it, no, we haven’t discussed it beyond agreeing to discuss it. Now that we’re in T, we’re struggling to keep up with our homework. I don’t want to re-introduce that book now. I can certainly work on his, the No. 1 of which is WOA, no matter how much he denies it. QT is another biggie for him, which is sadly lacking because we have so much trouble communicating. I need to find ways we can spend time without talking – watching a movie, etc. And as far as my LL, he recently brought me flowers, to thank me for a difficult T session. It was only the second time he’s EVER brought me flowers, and he even wrote me a note and left them for me to find when I was gone all day last week. So the amphibian grows nubs that might turn into legs one day. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll try his luck on land one day.
SE clearly has some issues with depression - is there any way to address this with him? I don’t know that this is the case. Please elaborate.
By the way, I couldn’t get rid of S. if I wanted to (and believe me, the thought has crossed my mind a number of times in recent weeks). He is sticking in, come hell or high water. And if we end up as “the parents of Janie Doe” rather than “the family,” then I have to accept that. He’s not going anywhere, of that I am sure.
