J - Reading your last post, I can't help thinking of the phrase "trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" - the sow's ear in this case being SO. (Maybe we should start calling him SE? ).
Now - don't misunderstand me, I know you are committed to making this silk purse, and with a child involved, I respect that decision. I think we just need to realize that it's a difficult undertaking, making a silk purse out of a sow's ear, one that will require extraordinary skill.
One thing I want you to hear - this is not about you. I'm sure you have your imperfections, and like many of us, could learn to loosen up about some things. But it is NOT controlling behavior for you to expect him to let you know where he is. People in a truly committed relationship do that out of respect for their partners. I've been married for almost 21 years, and I can't imagine my H going somewhere without telling me where he was going, and vice versa. SE has been yanking your chain for so long, you no longer trust your own instincts on what is right and proper behavior.
What you want is not extraordinary. You want a man who loves you, who is joyful about the child you have created together, who wants to protect and care for you, who is willing to put his all into the relationship and make a committment to be a faithful husband and a loving father. There's nothing wrong or controlling with wanting that.
You may be trying to get that from someone who is not capable of it - but I respect that you think he can grow into it. So - how does one go about making a silk purse out of a sow's ear?
Item number one - are you sure Swiss Miss is out of the picture? I only mention this because obviously all the therapy in the world won't make any progress if there is still a third party involved. Ordinarily snooping is not a good idea, but thisis one of those times when I think knowledge is power.
Item number two - what was SE's motivation in starting therapy? Was he hoping to fall back in love with you through therapy, or to "fix" what he thinks is wrong with you, or to learn to co-parent, or to let you down easy? (There's nothing wrong with you. btw - you are a beautiful, talented, loving, caring, adventurous girl, and it is HIS problem that he can't see what a gem he has.)
Item number three - what worked before? SE came back because he was afraid of losing you when you went dark, right? How can we use this now? We really want him to be at the birth, because that bonding experience will be very important to his future relationship with this child. Do you think, though, that starting to make alternate plans (like staying at your folks' vacation house) could be an effective form of "going dark"? Sometimes the indecisive can't decide what they want until they are about to lose it.
Item number four - do you think written communication might work better with SE?
Item number five - how are you doing on his love languages? Have you gotten him to read that book or at least discuss the ideas in it with you?
Item number six - SE clearly has some issues with depression - is there any way to adress this with him? (I know it's so hard when they think YOU are the reason for their bad moods!)
I guess my overall point is - you've set up a pretty big challenge for yourself, making this silk purse - so you need a very detailed, well-thought-out battle plan. Time to review what has worked, reread DR, set goals, and focus.
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