Thanks, H2H, I'm getting ever closer to pulling out that geek notebook, as we've called it. One thing is that I get so much journaling through our e-mails that I neglect to write to myself. I need to make time for it.
Here's a lengthy journal for everyone but H2H, who suffered through a long e-mail with all this in it already :
This weekend has been very tough. We are having some really deeply troubling and difficult conversations. This morning was about lying and dishonesty in our R and why S. can’t seem to bring himself to be accountable for it. He’ll say things like (talking about the X lie) “when you speak of the lie, as you call it ...” and “When the - as you call it - the ‘betrayal’ happened with [Swiss Miss]...” and there’s no personal accountability for having misled me, lied to me, or completely betrayed my trust. So I decided to talk to him about it, because this is how he was talking in therapy.
My BB friends are cringing right now, I can tell. Well, I already awarded myself a big gold star for not personalizing, or backing him into a corner, and we actually had a productive and informative conversation about this. I was able to listen and validate, and though he balked at times, I was able to bring him back gently and with understanding, and he was able to be more honest with me that I think he’s felt comfortable with in a long time. And he said some troubling things, like he admitted that contacting Swiss Miss in times of absolute crisis in our R (as opposed to some other friend instead) was an attempt to reach out to someone whom he felt was a potential partner, someone with whom he’d been very happy. (yuck, ew, ugh, ~~*) And I was able to NOT cry (somehow) and listen, and ask questions, and though we were both feeling really distant at the end (when we got cut off because he had to go do his shift at the food coop), I felt we were honest and got the ball rolling to be more honest in the future.
And he FINALLY admitted to understanding why I don’t ever want him to talk to her again (not to agree not to, mind you, but to see why, at least). And he also saw why his “friendship” with her was threatening to me, and it wasn’t just my insecurity (something on which he has always blamed my unwillingness to accept her as his “friend”), it was actually his ill behavior and his unfair treatment of both of us (SM and me), and a very clear pattern of going from one to the other and back again (which hitherto he has been unwilling to admit). Big steps. And I thanked him for talking to me about it.
Whew. We also talked about the potential of us NOT being together - because he seems lately to be at the MISERABLE end of commitment - and I said I didn’t want to move in together if it meant we were just roommates who happened to be the parents of the same child. I would need the freedom then to find my own way and look after myself. Of course he is terrified that that means I will run off with the baby and he won’t get to see her. (One of my options for taking care of myself is to move into my parents’ vacation house in the mountains until I can get on my feet.) And I certainly don’t want to threaten him in any way, I just need to take care of my needs and explore all my options.
I hear what he says and I see what he does, however, and though he says he is profoundly unhappy, he is still sticking in here and going to T and spending time with me and trying really hard. I know that means that he cares deeply about me, and he actually said the L word today (although it wasn’t an ILY). So I know what he says and what he does is disparate at the moment, and I can live with that. But I also have to hear what he is saying, and profound dissatisfaction and unhappiness is NOT where I want him to be, because that can grow (as we have seen) into infidelity, breaking up, and deep stress on his part, and I don’t want that, to be sure. I WANT him to be happy. And I want him to be happy with ME.
Our T on Friday asked us if we wanted all these things, if we were willing to make a statement to each other that each of us wants happy R components “X, Y, and Z with you.” And she said that if we weren’t able to say that to each other right now, it could change at any moment, but if the answer is no, definitely not with you, then let’s talk about that and work that out. And S. said it was hard for him to say the with you part at that moment because things were so tenuous and unhappy, and I said I couldn’t say anything at that moment. So there’s where we left it.
But this morning I told him that I wouldn’t be talking about any of this or going to T (remember, we are in T at his insistence) if I didn’t want to be with him, that I would be busy making arrangements for myself and the baby on my own. I said I wasn’t trying to force myself through the process just because he is the baby’s father, and that I did want things to work out with him. He gave me the equivalent of a lukewarmish “Me, too,” but it actually made me feel better to say that to him, whatever his response.
He still feels like I have no idea about the implications of bringing this baby into the world and the impact it will have on our lives. Whatever. I’m not on this earth to prove myself to him. He still thinks I’m this happy-go-lucky who thinks everything’s going to be OK no matter what. Well, I have to say, I DO think everything’s going to be OK no matter what, and that’s a profound difference between him and me: I am an unwavering optimist (who has made it in my life through scrappy hard work and doing what it took to get what I wanted) and he is a worry machine with the switch stuck on s-l-o-w. In my 19 years of post-parents experience, I’ve always landed on my feet, and I’ve always been able to take care of myself. Sure, I have no money to speak of and nothing really to call my own (except a violin that’s worth a nice house in most markets), but I’ve always made do with whatever I had, and I’m doing pretty darned well - out of debt and with a very successful career, having doubled my salary last year and on track to make another 25% more this year. My dad always says that when I really need it, I can squeeze money from a stone, and he’s right.
S. has always taken care of himself, too, but it was by careful planning and very conservative lifestyle that means he has virtually no experience out in the rest of the world. I’m not making a value judgment on him, but he surely makes one on me, that my choices are somehow inferior. Well, I wouldn’t trade my life and all my worldly experiences for a million-dollar house in New York City and nine lives’ worth of retirement in the bank. Really. If he gets run over by a truck tomorrow, he will have died without having done anything all that saving was supposed to be for. If I get run over by a truck tomorrow, I will have died rich and full, having lived one of my biggest life’s dreams. This is NOT to say that I think what he has done with his life is worthless. I simply respect his choices as much as I respect mine. We’ve talked a lot about the different kinds of capital: that he has monetary capital, whereas I have cultural capital. Who’s to say one is worth more than the other?
Back to what I (Jennifer) can do to CHANGE, we talked yesterday about our schedules and accountability, and he said during the course of that conversation that he felt like everything he does has to be cleared with me first (he said he needed to “ask my permission”). I resisted the idea mightily, but reached deep within myself and found that to be true. I pledged to myself to work on that, and I’ll be thinking of ways I can mitigate that feeling within him that he has to ask mommy before he can go out and play. Yu-uck! If he were doing that to me, I’d think he was a controlling freak, a “Sleeping with the Enemy”-type weirdo. So, am I ready to turn that back on myself? I don’t think so. I’d better shape up.
This morning, after he ran out of my place to shower and get ready for his shift at the coop, I got dressed and headed over to the 3rd-floor (empty) apartment to take care of the seedlings we planted for the garden in Vt. He showed up in a frenzy, thinking he had to get the screens (sun protectors for the delicate shoots) on the plants before he left, and found me there already doing it. I told him I’d take care of it and he ran off. He just now (2 hours later) called me from the coop to say it was nice to see me there taking care of the plants, and that it was great that I had thought to do it, and thank you. WOA from a man who “doesn’t need WOA from anybody.” He had said yesterday that he felt I wasn’t proactively doing things I say I’m interested in, and therefore he has a hard time believing I’m really interested in them. One example he used was that I never went up to check on the plants without him. (Well, he’s always there, so why would I need to?) Lesson #2: Do what I SAY, and don’t just pay lip service to my goals and wishes in life. Then I will be more trustworthy to the people of importance in my life.
I think a big part of this is a current lack of motivation, because everything in my life right now is tumultuous and scary... I see this with a lot of people on the BB, too. But I need to get myself motivated, and start DOING, even if I don’t feel like it, because this is what GAL is. Of course the brokenhearted, the scared, the freaked out, etc., don’t want to GAL, they want to mope around the house and hide and do nothing. BUT, as our T said about the M, V, & E thing, it’s like learning to ride a bike. It feels very awkward at first, and scary, and it takes a while to get your balance. Then it becomes second nature.
So, without further ado, I’m off to relearn how to ride a bike. Vroom!
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~~*) And I was able to NOT cry (somehow) and listen, and ask questions, and though we were both feeling really distant at the end (when we got cut off because he had to go do his shift at the food coop), I felt we were honest and got the ball rolling to be more honest in the future. 
