Back from southern California and a really lovely wedding (S's sister's first, to a man with a D7 from a prev marriage). S. and I were close, and we had a really good time with his family and the new in-laws. Everyone referred to me as the new SIL, and I felt very included and accepted as part of the family. Even S. referred to me as the little girl's "new aunt." He also made comments during the wedding about what he wanted and didn't want in "his wedding," and was asking me what I thought. All good signs, as he has backed off from talking of marriage since we went to Ga. to tell my parents we were getting married.

I'm a little reticent to go here, but who said I was pressuring S.? I posted my concerns, and how I feel about his not moving in the direction of getting ready for a big move, and suddenly I am Bridezilla and a control freak. In fact, I said that I was staying out of his hair, and trying NOT to control what he's doing. I’m aware and being careful not to sound defensive here, but I think I got some unfair criticism above. I certainly have taken my whacks in the past, but in this case, I don't think they're quite warranted. For my part, I'll try to be more clear in the future about when I’m venting here and what I'm actually saying to S.

I appreciate the constructive questions about why I think he might NOT be acting in our best interests, and I'll answer that below. But Ellie, telling me that you warned me long ago that S. is a "poor risk" is simply unproductive and quite honestly, offensive. I think S. is a wonderful person, and despite his faults, will grow into a wonderful husband and father. I'm trying to work with what we have and what we've talked about and decided together as a couple. At some point, when you decide on something together, you have to be accountable for it.

Another clarification: S. is thrilled at the prospect of having a baby and becoming a father. He is very excited – he just shows it differently than I do. I’m not worried that he won’t want anything to do with the baby, and in fact I’m quite convinced that I’ll have to arm wrestle him for cuddle time with her .
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So maybe a good 180 to pull here, to demonstrate to SO that your are being fiscally responsible, would be to look into ways to furnish the nursery more inexpensively, etc.)

Nursery?! I just hope we have a kitchen when we move in! There is no nursery. Our bedroom will be the three of ours, until such time as we buy another house and move out of S’s building. We'll have a bedroom and a living room with a small kitchen, nothing more. We're moving from a combined 2400 ft2 to 800 ft2. We’ll use our existing furniture for now - except for something that attaches to our bed for the baby to sleep in - and the leftovers will travel to Vermont.
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Let me ask you, why do you think that S. is NOT taking into consideration what's best for all 3 of you? Is it that you feel he has a different 'vision' or is it that he has a different 'option' of achieving your shared vision?


H2H, I don’t think he is NOT taking into consideration what is best for us, but S. is a master procrastinator (it takes one to know one), and I can see that he is not doing anything at the moment that will get us into a finished apartment when the time comes. I see him working on his sawhorses, I see him reading magazine articles about timber framing and world economy and art and books about building stone walls and cooking up new woodworking projects to do, and yes, I even see him spending a LOT of time with me and putting a LOT of energy into our R. I see him using any excuse not to pack up his things, a first step in getting ready for the contractors on 20 June (and that doesn’t mean he has 19 days, he has 9, at best). This is not to mention all the OTHER things that need to happen in preparation before the contractors come – and all manner of renovation that could happen before and during - but none of it can happen until he packs up his apartment (and this is by his logic). So, he still has a suitcase from a trip in March sitting on his floor with dirty clothes in it, stacks (and stacks) of newspapers he has saved to go through for an article here and there, piles of mail, boxes (and boxes) of unfiled crap, and various and sundry other piles that amount to a LARGE amount of sorting, much less packing, time. Another thing to consider is that I live with a couple – when I move is going to affect them. They are moving when I do so we can rent out our place at the same time. So what I do affects them – and they are accommodating ME, after all - and I’m trying to give them as much notice as possible. They have to find a new place, and in NYC it’s harder than in most cities (and enormously more expensive). I can’t just tell them “Maybe August 1, maybe September 1.” That just won’t cut it.

I do appreciate his feeling of leaving something he’s lived in for years, and how that is causing him anxiety. One of my goals is to make sure he knows I realize this and validate the heck out of him the whole way. But doesn’t he have to start packing before I can validate how much I appreciate his taking steps to leave his place? I suppose I could validate his anxiety without a snail’s move on his part.

Anyway, things are basically good – we are feeling closer and are a little better able to avoid conflict through the tools we are learning in T (mostly Harville Hendrix’s mirroring, validating, and empathizing).

Let me be clear about this: S. wants this R to work, he wants us to be happy, and he is devoting a LOT of energy to these goals. I’m not perfect, to be sure. But I’m trying, too. I’d love to hear some feedback on ways I can validate and support S. while he ISN’T doing what by his own admission he needs to be doing… and ways I can cope with the inaction. Remember, folks, I’m not trying to “win” him back – I’m trying to make an established partnership work, and somewhat on a deadline!

Thanks as always!

shameless plug for my NEWEST thread