Thanks, H2H, and thanks for the gold star! It was really hard to bring that stuff out on these boards, because I am acutely aware that some of my friends here on the BB will be horrified at the thought of even remotely considering terminating a pregnancy. It's a hard balance to strike - made more difficult by trying to protect the one you love and are trying to make a life with, against the judgment of people you care a great deal about, and whom you rely on for solid support and advice.
We are having some rough times. The renovation (read: demolition) at S's house is slated to start 20 June, we are away for the next 9 days, and S. has picked this crucial getting-ready time to build his own sawhorses (no, he's not cutting 2x4s and putting those metal sawhorse-kit clamps on them, but actually chiseling, by hand, with chisels, mortise and tenon timber-framed sawhorses, WITH ornaments). Lovely, and useful, to be sure, but he's NOT cleaning his house, packing, or getting ready in any way for the renovations. This translates into a farther out moving-in time, which is hardly acceptable given that I'm going to be 7 months pregnant at the EARLIEST time we can POSSIBLY move in, IF he were on the ball, packing and getting things done to prepare.
I've come to realize that he's not doing it because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to leave the comfort of his bachelor pad, his haven, the place I'm forcing him to leave because I got pregnant and now his life is changing (my words, not his). I'm "forcing" him to move into one of the other apartments in the house, because it has more room and more light, because it has a space where I can have my home office, because it HAS A KITCHEN, and which also happens to be the most readily rentable apartments (because it will be the first available). He is balking. He wants to rent that one out and take one of the other apts. (so that NEITHER of us gets what he wants? I'm at a loss to understand why).
Our therapy has been good, but we are having a hard time sustaining the way we talk to each other in T when we're out in the world. Our T is fantastic - she has us talk directly to each other rather than to her (because she "can't go home with us," she says), and she interrupts only to guide us in a direction or coach one of us. We are practicing mirroring, and it works very well in T, but goes out the window in our home talks.
So there's where we are. Struggling... It's OK, we'll find our way through, or we won't. We'll stay together, or we won't. I'm giving it my very best - giving up a lot of my voice-time in T so that the T can dig into S's issues (which run very deep and which he really needs an individual T for), giving up some of my desires and needs so that I can take care of S., who is more immature than I'd ever imagined, for the sake of building a strong family into which our child can be born.
Nothing is more important to me than this child. And nothing is giving me greater joy than to see my body change and grow and accommodate this little miracle, anticipating her debut into the non-amniotic world, and preparing to give her the best life I can possibly give her - a place of safety to grow and develop, all the resources I have, and all the love in the world.
(Geez, one would think I'd become a big old sap! )
It was really hard to bring that stuff out on these boards, because I am acutely aware that some of my friends here on the BB will be horrified at the thought of even remotely considering terminating a pregnancy. It's a hard balance to strike - made more difficult by trying to protect the one you love and are trying to make a life with, against the judgment of people you care a great deal about, and whom you rely on for solid support and advice.
)
