LD spouse needs help

[doglover]

We, Mr DogLover and I, had our 2nd MC appt yesterday.

We had not fared very well on our "homework" - to especially attempt to have some periods of intimate but nongenital interaction (massage, overall pleasuring etc). This was due both to the busyness of life and to some ups and downs in our interaction, as well as to MrDL's reaction which seemed to be that that was all well and good but why mess around with the appetizers when one could, and should, go right for the main course? (which, by the way, we did get to enjoy).

But all in all, our week had been more good than bad, since we both made a serious effort to be kind to each other and to put each other first.

[But I still feel that the "OW", whom I have come to believe is really just a good friend, and the email which MrDL sent her and I found by mistake (see my first posts), are very sore points for me. She has come to be known, by MrDL, as "she who cannot be named" whenever he alludes to her. I am not sure how to get over this, because it has caused a serious rift - I can no longer see her as a good friend of mine, and am jealous of the slightest interaction between her and MrDL. This has lead to several eruptions of anger or tears on my part. I gave the MC a copy of the email - I guess I was in a sense "tattling" on MrDL or, in any case, trying to get some perspective on it.]

Anyway, to continue, the MC urged us to see and to understand each other as separate and different human beings whose desires and ways of responding may differ yet still be quite legitmate. She urged us to empathize with each other and to "meet each other at the 50 yard line" rather than to stick to rigid definitions of what we thought was the "right" behavior - being "right" should not be the goal.

The MC suggested that some of what MrDL is doing may just not be working very well in the context of our R and may in fact be a bit provocative on his part. (Such as saying to me "wanna f**k?" - from his point of view, a perfectly reasonable suggestion, but when it comes out of the blue, and if I'm feeling pressed by other matters, it doesn't help me relax and doesn't turn me on. I'm working on the "just do it" response, but I'd love MrDL to try to talk my language from time to time - I know he can.)

We were urged to think about how we can have more "fun" in our relationship. Part of the problem seems to be that sometimes we have different definitions of "fun". Some of the things I think are fun, MrDL doesn't think are fun and vice versa. And so he sometimes concludes that I'm just not interested in having fun.

She got some of our life history, but seems to to want to deal more with the here-and-now. She gave us each a questionnaire to fill out and then to discuss with each other, to increase our communication with each other.

The questionnaire:

Perfect Lovemaking Scenario:
1. Before we make love, we: ___
2. To get aroused, we: ___
3. I especially want you to: ___
4. To give you pleasure I will: ___
5. As part of foreplay, we: ___
6. Concerning orgasm, I want: ___
7. To heighten my arousal, I would like you to: ___
8. To get really adventuresome, we could: ___
9. After we make love, I would like to: ___
10. As we enjoy the afterglow of lovemaking, we could: ___

Last week she recommended the book "Women Who Love Sex" (a title which seems more designed to sell books than to be descriptive of its contents) by Gina Ogden. I ordered it and it arrived very quickly. I have read the first chapter or two. It seems to have a holistic and feminist view of sexuality as being more inclusive than just genital arousal.

(MrDL, meanwhile, skimmed it while I was at work - it seems to me his main goal was to see if it had any good parts on women enjoying BJ's )

This week she also recommended Schnarch's book. I think she said it deals well with different styles of sexual interaction, but those of you who have read it know it better than I. I have also ordered that book.

I'm a little vague on the following but, in addition to filling out and discussing the questionnaire, she recommended something like: that this week each of us try one new way of interacting. Perhaps it's the theory that small changes by one or both partners can change a relationship?

DogLover