Our 1st appt with MC was rescheduled from today to next week because yesterday S27 (living independently in another city) was, at his request, screened for a serious inherited illness - results ambiguous but probably positive.
We were too sad to do our prior-to-the-first MC session homework of setting goals and priorities. Too sad to ML. We hugged each other, took a long walk, holding hands all the way.
When we went to bed I changed into nightwear quickly as usual. H said he loves me to get undressed in front of him. I realized I don't do that unless we have something planned so I stripped the top and we cuddled and comforted. I need to remember that every night. I was glad he was direct about it.
Dear SSM buddies - I'm sorry that I'm feeling stressed right now so sometimes it's hard for me to get fully involved in your threads. Thanks for all the advice.
I would make the following my tag line if I knew how: ---------------------------------------------------------- There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here. [To all of you: you are my buddies, the friends I can discuss things with that I don't talk about with my friends in RL (real life). In this society where everyone is supposed to be thinking about sex all the time someone with LD is often embarassed to admit they feel differently.] ----------------------------------------------------------
Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
Sounds like you reached a sincere level of intimacy. I do hope the screening has good news.
On a lighter issue to change/add a signature line, go to "My Home" in Red in the bar above...then go to Edit personal information..There's a block to type your message.
Hugs
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
DL... Thinking of you...when you are a parent, your heart is forever on your sleeve...may you and H find comfort together right now and hope things turn out ok.
Quote: Sounds like you reached a sincere level of intimacy. I do hope the screening has good news.
On a lighter issue to change/add a signature line, go to "My Home" in Red in the bar above...then go to Edit personal information..There's a block to type your message.
Hugs
And thanks and all best wishes to HP and IHJ.
Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
I am very glad to read on other posts (GGB and DGA) about people making progress in the last few days. But I'm discouraged to say that I am making less progress. I have recently been making an effort to "just do it" but getting rejected by my HD H.
Tuesday night he was depressed about our son's screening re a potential illness - results ambiguous.
Wednesday night we went for a long walk holding hands, giggled about the "butterfly" I learned about on the posts to DGA - but when I suggested ML he was "too tired" that night.
Thursday he was out at a board meeting which ran late, we're both addicted to ER and then came the 11pm news and by 11:30 it seemed too late and anyway, I was online catching up on this BB which is a turnoff for him.
Friday a.m. we got into a row before I left for work about what to have for dinner - he said he was so depressed he wanted pizza, I said I want us to eat more nutritious meals, he said I'm "like the diet-police ALWAYS nagging and criticizing him, ALWAYS asking if he's had fruits and vegs for lunch" (he has high BP and the meds may contribute to his ED; our son has high BP but has had very good results with a high fruit/vegetable low salt "DASH" diet). I tried to apologize and kiss him goodby but he barely said goodbye when I left for work.
I was very busy at work during the a.m. but called him early afternoon to say "I hope you'll wait for me - it's been a long time" which was code language for ML because others might overhear. He said "too late" which means he had MB'd. It almost sound flippant to me (he later said it wasn't) and I was very hurt and felt rejected, but I guess that's how he's felt a lot of the time. We talked that evening - he said he felt as though things have switched and currently I am more HD and he is more LD. He said maybe it's depression, maybe it's that I'm nagging or criticizing too much, but he feels like I'm putting pressure on him to ML and he doesn't feel desire. He only MB'd yesterday to relieve a physical need, not because he felt desire. But then he's spent for a 24 hour interval or so.
Now we need to each do our "homework" for a first counselor appt on Monday - ie think individually or together about what our problems are and what our goals are.
But in addition to that we each have various chores to do, and we often have a hard time organizing our time in a mutually satisfactory way. And we want to - need to - have some fun (it would be very nice if the fun could include ML).
Anyway, I'm glad that others are making some progress but personally it all seems so hard and complicated right now - a lot more than "just do it". Guess we really need that MC on Monday. I hope she's good.
Well I gotta go before he gets back from the gym. My online time drives him nuts.
Doglover
Last edited by doglover; 05/14/0503:31 PM.
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
DL, as I was reading your post, I had a thought, and then you confirmed it:
Quote: he said he felt as though things have switched and currently I am more HD and he is more LD
Others have had this experience. Cinemanymph wrote about it a while back.
A word of advice regarding your H's health: don't be the diet/health police. It's not worth it. It turns you into Mom. It's his health, he has to take responsibility for it. How can he, if you beat him to it? Try backing way off. Just for the weekend, bite your tongue every time you want to say anything to him about how HE should eat, exercise, whatever. My late husband was chronically ill, and this kind of thing can eat away at a R.
I thought his "too late" reply was incredibly rude and insensitive. It physically HURT to read that comment from him. It's like he's punishing you for becoming more sexual. "You can try, but you can't take THIS away from me! It's MINE and I'll do it when I want to."
In "Passionate Marriage", Schnarch talks about Siamese Twin couples. When one partner's desire goes up, the other partner's desire goes down and vice-versa. There have been a couple examples of this on the BB. CinemaNymph, as Lilli mentioned, and IHJ. I think two different mechanisms may be at play when this happens. Sometimes the HD partner becomes even more angry when the LD partner starts acting more sexual because they're thinking something like "All these years I thought you couldn't help the fact that you were LD. Now all of a sudden you've made a change because I put my foot down. I am furious that you didn't make this change before when you knew how miserable I was about it.". The other reason the HD partner may become LD is simply that they were never really that HD to begin with. They weren't really looking for a HD partner, they were looking for a partner to make them feel more HD. For instance, if a guy is feeling LD he might start resenting his W because he thinks she's become too fat to turn him on (like my H) or he might start resenting his W because he thinks she's not sexually assertive enough to turn him on so he blames his LD on her LD. When the W makes changes such as losing weight (me) or becoming more sexual (you), the H is forced to own his own lack of drive.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ, I think both of your assessments of why the "HD" partner might get miffed when the other partner becomes more sexual are absolutely correct. And I'd like to throw in another one: both partners have sort of defined the sexual "zone" as the HD's territory. When the LD partner starts to initiate (in the HD's opinion) TOO MUCH, it's as if the LD is getting in on the driver's side when up to now both have agreed that the LD belongs on the passenger side. I think sometimes when the HD says they want the other to be more sexual, what they really mean is that they want the LD to be a more active passenger. They don't want the LD to take over driving, buy a new car, have the old one painted, etc. It definitely upsets the balance of power.
BTW, it feels more to me like this is true in M's where the H is the HD. I don't know if it would apply to your sitch or not. What do you think?
LP Thanks for your wise words. (H came back from the Y and is off to the library so I'm sneaking in a quick peak at the BB. I don't know how the rest of you keep up with both RL AND the BB, esp GGB with his large family)
Yes, you are right - I will bite my tongue about nagging him about what's good for his health.
I felt the "too late" was hurtful too, but to put it in context, I called him on his cell and reached him while he was at a restaurant ordering lunch so it was not a time or place for a real convo. I felt so hurt that I got off right away without expressing my real feelings or giving him much of a chance to say he wished it was otherwise. Later on he claimed it was just a straightforward statement on his part.
The fact that he is experiencing performance problems and anxieties magnifies the issues. I think it makes it more necessary (in his mind) that everything be done according to his schedule. And maybe at the moment he is right - that he needs to feel so turned on or he may have ED. If I approach him and try to seduce him, then that may feel like pressure which contributes to ED. At least with MB, if he has trouble - which he sometimes does these days, he doesn't have the additional pressure of a partner.
H is back; gotta go. DL
Quote: DL, as I was reading your post, I had a thought, and then you confirmed it:
Quote: he said he felt as though things have switched and currently I am more HD and he is more LD
Others have had this experience. Cinemanymph wrote about it a while back.
A word of advice regarding your H's health: don't be the diet/health police. It's not worth it. It turns you into Mom. It's his health, he has to take responsibility for it. How can he, if you beat him to it? Try backing way off. Just for the weekend, bite your tongue every time you want to say anything to him about how HE should eat, exercise, whatever. My late husband was chronically ill, and this kind of thing can eat away at a R.
I thought his "too late" reply was incredibly rude and insensitive. It physically HURT to read that comment from him. It's like he's punishing you for becoming more sexual. "You can try, but you can't take THIS away from me! It's MINE and I'll do it when I want to."
Good luck with the C.
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
