Thanks I've been somewhat amused at how cemar's issues just took over but it's nice to have someone notice that it was originally my post. Not to continue his thread, but I would just say that I really think he and his W need joint counselling.
I have been too busy with overtime at work and various personal issues, including possible serious illness for S27 to post very much recently. (Too much time online at home is bad for my R and that big DB screen is hard to hide at work - Michele - can't there be a link to a subdued screen or at least one with Divorcebusting in a smaller b/w font?)
We had a good weekend. A high quality local "sex store" for women has a good book corner. I picked up several books from my wishlist on Friday. Nothing in them is rocket science, but reading helps me remember common sense things I forget and also helps keep my mind on the subject. H thinks many of the ideas are somewhat gimmicky ("who needs sexy lingerie?") but is happy for me to try anything that turns ME on.
Afternoons are better for H. I was out Sat a.m. and when I got home H was ready for me. And my reading the night before had primed my pump. I set aside all thoughts of the many household chores that needed doing and we had a lovely afternoon. (but someday this messy house does need to be organized and cleaned!)
Keeping these LD flickers of desire alive while being buffeted by life stresses of work and illness often feels like trying to start a campfire in the the wind. The flames blow out unless coddled, so I'm trying to coddle.
We go for first joint counselling tomorrow to a see a female therapist, a social worker on the AASECT list I hope the gender is OK for H. It is hard for him to talk about his ED. She sounded reasonable on the phone but it's hard for me to tell how "pro-marriage" she is. Basically she said a lot depends on how committed both members of the couple are to the R. We are. But I'm a little nervous about how our sessions with her may stir up feelings before resolving them. It may be a roller coaster before it's over.
gotta get some work done, Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
I'm proud of you for seeking out a counselor, that's a great step!!!
Are you two going to meet w/this counselor on your own for a few sessions so she can get familiar with each of you or go together always? Personally, I find it best to meet individually a few times...this gives the C a chance to get to know each of you on your own...and to hear your concerns without the risk of hurting the other person. Then she can work in concerns during your joint sessions. This is what our C has done.....she has a way of working these issues in too so that it's not obvious one of us brought it up...but it's addressed nontheless.
I have no problems. One of the things that bothers my wife is that fact that she is changing and I don't. I am just the way I was when we got married except for a few extra pounds that I am working to get rid of. Part of the problem is the changing, she feels like she is moving into her more mature part of life, and she feels that mature women just don't care much for sex, and therefore she is "Normal". We all now though that many mature women don't lose their desire. The truth is that great marriages are those that don't let sex dwindle, the best marriage (usually) are those that keep their sex vibrant and alive. So there is the dilema, she thinks that are sex life should be cooling off and finds other things more important and she can not understand why I don't follow suit. The problem is that I can NOT change, short of chemical castration.
Quote: Part of the problem is the changing, she feels like she is moving into her more mature part of life, and she feels that mature women just don't care much for sex, and therefore she is "Normal".
Here's something to think about CeMar. I was surprised when you recently posted that your W was 45. I assumed that you must be younger than me (40). Maybe if you strived for an air of overall maturity but still kept your sexual spark alive your W might see you as a more appropriate partner.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Not sure what air of overall maturity means. If that means acting old, well I don't. I am mature and responsible, I definitely don't go out and party all night. Heck we have 3 kids, we don't have time to party. I work my ass off for the family, but it does not get me what I want.
An appropriate partner for her? That would be an assexual man. She wants a LD man! She wants us to focus on activities that are separate activities. I told her once that I wanted us to be best friends, and she thought that was kind of weird. And yet every book says that to have a good marriage, you have to be best friends. I want to be lovers, she does not want to be lovers with anyone. I think that if we broke up, she would be happy to stay single for the rest of her life. Afterall, she has her children!
I'm a newbie here but offer the following. Others can tell me if I'm offbase.
I have read your posts, often with interest, sometimes with frustration that you seem to have unrealistic expectations given where you are at right now. Again I would recommend joint counseling.
Further, note that Michele says in her advice to newcomers:
Quote: If you post on other people’s threads, and you should, the emphasis should be on helping that person find solutions. You can discuss your own situation to indicate how well you understand what s/he is going through, but if you want advice, seek it in your own thread. Also, feel free to start a new thread when a new situation arises or you have new questions.
Especially with your having changed the subject line from "LD spouse needs help" to "Not sure you would be LD to me" it feels a bit like my original post has been hijacked. And since I don't have a lot of time to post right now, it could get closed before I have much of a chance.
Why don't you start your own post, since you have a lot to say and time to say it?
cheers, Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
Quote: DL, sorry, my fault too. Well done! What breeds are you "into"?
We have always adopted dogs from a shelter - 4 dogs in 33 years, several were adopted at age 4 or 5 - shep/collie mix, wolfhound/lab mix, 2 german shepherds - we had to put the last one down in Jan due to cancer. We both love them but are taking a break from dogs right now.
So now it's just the two of us - isn't this when life begins? The kids are gone and the dog has died.
Gotta go be with my H - he hates the "clickety-clack" as he calls the keyboard. Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
I've been somewhat amused at how cemar's issues just took over but it's nice to have someone notice that it was originally my post. Not to continue his thread, but I would just say that I really think he and his W need joint counselling.