Your "minimal" list still seems pretty daunting to me as an HD woman. Thinking back to when I was LD, the 3x a week thing would NEVER have worked....and that's your minimum? Heck, I'm HD now and wouldn't want it that often (some very HD women could go for it I'm sure, but not me). If I'm HD and that number makes me go "uh dude that's unrealistic"...what do you think your chances are that you'd get that from your W? You really need to start IMHO with a lower number for frequency....I mean geesh ask for once a week, and be happy with that as a minimum...then perhaps build. If you start w something like 3x per week....and you are only getting it right now once every 4-8 weeks you may as well ask for the moon.
We've talked about the fellatio issue before, so I'm not going to rehash the whole thing....the fact is you cannot make her WANT to do it. If there is some reason she doesn't want to do it then you will have to ask her why she doesn't want to do it. If her answer happens to be "I just don't like it" then ask her why...ask her if there is something you do that she's uncomfortable with during it, or if there is something you can do that would make her more comfortable with it....and be prepared for her to flat-out tell you that she doesn't want you to ejaculate in her mouth. It's not a rejection of you if she doesn't like that. So short of re-hashing this whole topic again....that's my opinion.
Ok I've had it with you! You've been on this BB since 2003 and I've been here for a year of you time here....I have yet to see you make any real effort. You say you will do anything to her "I give my wife all the oral sex she can handle as well as annalingus. I am not inhibited in any way, I just want the same from her"....ever think that maybe she doesn't like some of that stuff because she is inhibited?! Perhaps that's the turnoff...perhaps you intimidate her...sexually?! Perhaps you're wanting all of this sooooooo much is what's keeping her in her sexual shell?!
I mean truly CeMar, from reading your posts you remind me of a bull charging full boar....I wonder if that's how your W feels too. If you come at her like this (sexually speaking) you're going to keep her in the inhibited shell she's in. You've got to start really start thinking about your approach. I broke out of my shell because I had a gentle person, someone who didn't demand anything of me....gotta say, you sound pretty darned demanding, insistent, unbending, unyielding....dare I say stubborn?
Quote: maybe she is afraid of being HD because she is afraid you would reject her when she suggests her ultimate fantasy which involves black leather chaps, a hairbrush and CeMar the slaveboy.
Quote: Hey, that IS my fantasy. Seriously, I will try just about anything.
LOL. For some reason this response has put me back on your side, CeMar. I was beginning to think that you were just very rigid, selfish and demanding in your sexuality, but now I believe that you are really just one of the most completely and hopelessly(given your sich) HD people on the BB.
I'm also rather intrigued by the fact that your W will let you perform analingous on her but won't give you a BJ since analingous is probably an easy 8 on the kink-meter and BJs are pretty much standard sexual fare. It seems as though she's okay with her own sexuality but doesn't appreciate yours. Maybe she's gay.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
CeMar,
Your "minimal" list still seems pretty daunting to me as an HD woman. Thinking back to when I was LD, the 3x a week thing would NEVER have worked....and that's your minimum?
Speaking as an LDW I have to agree with GEL that going from once every 4-8 weeks to 3Xweek is a BIG step - I think you would be better off thinking in terms of taking smaller steps toward your goal of 3Xweek.
Re BJs - For a long time I did them occasionally but reluctantly because:
1) I didn't understand that it wasn't necessary for me to take it so far back in my mouth that it automatically triggered a gag reflex
2) I didn't want H to come in my mouth
3) It wasn't personally exciting to me
I now understand about 1) but am still uncertain about 2)
3) is still true for me but I now want to do it for my H as a gift to him. He, however, remembers my earlier reluctance and feels that I must still be doing it reluctantly now. He wants me to WANT to do it, to desire it, not only for him but for me. Perhaps I need to be a better actor.
Anal is something which I can understand might be pleasurable for others, maybe even in some theoretical sense for me, but I have very little interest in trying it. (H is OK with that.) So I can understand your W's lack of desire to try it.
I agree (perhaps more than H) with the books which call for more non-genital sensuality in addition to genital, esp for LDW. Have you tried that?
I also have taken to heart the suggestion many have made to "get on a schedule". For us that would mean an immediate minimum of 1xweek with 2-3xweek as a goal to shoot for ultimately. Have you tried that?
Also I think there are likely to be relationship issues which need to be addressed if there is a big desire gap but the LD spouse is unwilling to compromise. I have made an appt with a couples therapist who is experienced with both relationship and sexual issues. Have you tried therapy? And if so, did it help?
But I also think that personally speaking if I could predictably expect an orgasm in a reasonable amount of time it would increase my pleasure, reduce my sense that my slow pace is a burden for H and I would more reliably look forward to sex. I've ordered the book "Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love: Female Orgasm Made Simple" and hope it's as good as its title.
Doglover
Last edited by doglover; 05/08/0507:06 PM.
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
Quote: I want her to be able to prove to me that she desires me.
and how was that accomplished?
Did she ever--
Quote: Interest from the wife in trying new things.
Dont know what to say here re:
Quote: Felatio from her through completion. Oral sex must be offered from her and she should show that she LIKES doing it.
OK so I'm going to get gutteral. CeMar, thats like saying I want you to do her"rimsh0t" and LIKE it. At very best, that may be a VERY VERY reluctant gift.
To some the concept of placing that with which you urinate has the same responce, and I bet you hold her head too.. Oh Yach!
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
My list of things that I want is actually FAR LESS then what she used to do. Remember, my wife USED to be HD, that is one of the reasons I married her. For the first four years we were together, we had sex everyday. She was also into fellatio. I was lead to believe that she LIKED giving BJ's. She had TRUE desire. So what I am asking for is only HALF the woman she used to be. I kind of thought that we were all supposed to compromise, but from what I am reading, compromise on the issue of sex seems to mean that the guy give up 90% and settle for 10%, if even that much. This does not seem like compromise to me. So tell me, what is a true compromise, I want sex everyday, she never wants it. I want oral sex, she doe not want to give it. What is the compromise that will make us BOTH happy? I truly am stumped on this one.
Quote: But I also think that personally speaking if I could predictably expect an orgasm in a reasonable amount of time it would increase my pleasure, reduce my sense that my slow pace is a burden for H and I would more reliably look forward to sex. I've ordered the book "Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love: Female Orgasm Made Simple" and hope it's as good as its title.
You know what? Even very HD women have this problem sometimes. In a way it's worse for us because we REALLY can develop the tendency to think the fact that we're taking so long is a drag for our Hs since we had to talk them into sex in the first place .
If you think about it just in practical terms, we women are really at a disadvantage when it comes to speedy orgasms. Consider IC in the missionary position. The penis gets warmth, lubrication and lots of direct contact. The poor little clitoris is left out in the cold with only what little lubrication happens to slosh its way up there and little direct contact unless your H happens to have a beer belly that hits it at just the right angle. Thus orgasming in the missionary position for a woman is the equivalent of a man orgasming by making a ring with his fingers, placing it at the very base of his penis and then only moving his penis by flexing his butt muscles. What I mean to indicate is that it can be done but it takes a high level of arousal and a good deal of concentration.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
What is the difference between a guy giving a woman oral and her giving the guy oral? A women pees here just like men. There are all kinds of smells and tastes, and once the jusic gets flowing, my face will be covered by it. And yet I LOVE to give her this pleasure. But to reciprocate is wrong? I still don't understand why women should be given a pass on this one.
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