Thankyou. You are correct. I know it is something I MUST work on every day to preserve my marriage, regardless of whether I spontaneously think about it or not.
It is clear to H and to me that I often make other things a higher priority. E.g., we came back from a weekend trip to visit relatives last night, arriving home from the airport around 10:30pm. We had had a good weekend - it distracted us from the pain we had suffered last week due to the accidental email. Due to crowded sleeping arrangements we had had no privacy during the weekend but cuddled on the plane ride back. But then there was the heap of mail by the front door for me to sort. And then he dashed out to get a Sunday paper from a late night store. And then there was email.
Knowing that the amount of time I spend on email is a bone of contention for us, I decided to check my email while he did his errand. It was only going to be a quick check, but of course it took me longer than it should - it usually does - so I was on email when he came home. So he watched the 11pm news and when it was over he said "Why do you always turn to email when we get in the door? Now it is too late." So the cycle of disappointment and accusation started again.
Because of the feelings stirred up by the errant email (which he says is just a symptom of the fact that our marriage has issues around sexual frustration and has almost nothing to do with the "OW" at all) we plan to make an appointment with a family therapist we have seen over the years about various family dynamics issues - mostly NOT about sexual issues. But the therapist feels almost like a member of the family - I don't know if I can bring myself to talk frankly with him - I would almost prefer to see someone entirely new.
In the meantime, I know I need to mentally schedule time for my H. He is addicted to the 11pm news which is not particularly a turn-on for me, especially not the final sports report. He doesn't usually need a turn-on (though these days he often needs the advance notice that a sexual interlude would be welcome so that he can take a viagra). And I need more preparation than I did 30 years ago. So it's almost impossible to be spontaneous. But I think the resentment I sometimes feel about the 11pm news (sometimes if there's a TV program we'd like to watch at 10pm - we both like ER - then he'd like to fit an interlude in from 9-10pm which feels like time pressure for me) is mainly also a copout on my part. Sometimes I have said "well you can choose between me and the late news". Easy for me to say, but if he were to quit watching the late news, it's not clear to me that I'd spontaneously initiate or even be wholly receptive. I suppose I could use the 11pm news time to prepare and psyche myself up, forwarning him so he could be prepared as well.
Fundamentally, I just too easily fall back into patterns which don't help - denigrating his urges, feeling that we "just did it a few days ago, so can't he hold off", feeling that he didn't make the overture perfectly - perhaps he was too crude and straightforward about his needs instead of being more indirect and romantic. But I think many of those thoughts are copouts on my part.
I think that SSM refers somewhere to the fact that in the LD partner the urges may be there but in a much quieter subtler form - I need to encourage those flickers in myself instead of dismissing them. Perhaps as one person said I should take to wearing sexy lingerie everyday in order to feel sexier myself. In any case I need to take the Nike approach.
Thank you, Doglover
Quote:
Quote: "I don't know how I can work on LD if it just isn't on my mind."
With a soft voice, I will point out to you that this is a copout.
When your children were young, you didn't get to just forget to feed them because it wasn't on your mind. You planned for meals. You can plan for sex in a similar way.
You have the ability to impact your mind and aren't a mere slave to whatever random thought may or may not pass through.
The question isn't whether or not your drive is on your mind, the question is whether or not you will step up to the plate and take an active part in not allowing your marriage to fall to the wayside.
MrsNOP -
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
