I will have to wait on making and posting lists given time constraints. AND one pet peeve of H has been I spend too much time sending emails (re various community projects etc). So too much time on this BB won't be good for us as a couple. But it has been very helpful for me to feel supported on the BB re these issues which are so personal and so painful.
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I'm going to respond to his e-mail to your mutual friend first. Be VERY wary of this...I'm sure you've read other threads on here as well. CSW's W maintained her OM was "just a friend" for quite some time...until recently as a matter of fact....this was not just a "friendship".
How was this e-mail brought to your attention? Did he tell you, or did your friend? Either way...that is completely inappropriate behavior no matter how he justifies it. It MUST stop.
Re the email, I found out by accident the other morning via a computer snafu - I pasted something into an email I was sending and his very offcolor rendition of "I get a kick out of you" with "OW"'s name inserted into the refrain was pasted into my outgoing draft email (it must have still been in the "paste" buffer). I was horrified and of course cancelled my current email and called H immediately. H was appropriately ashamed and contrite. H said it had been sent the previous day; "OW" probably hadn't seen it yet because she worked very late that day; and H said he would call her and ask her to trash without reading an email in her inbox from him. H said he did call and left word on her voicemail to call back. She ultimately called our home and reached H; I was working late.
I called "OW" several times that day and finally heard from her after work (just after she had called H). She said there was absolutely nothing between them except friendship and our long friendship (including mine) was terribly important to her. She said she had never done anything to encourage him and if he had sent her a dumb email it was just him acting like an adolescent male. I think she said she hadn't/wouldn't read his email but my mind was in a blur, and anyway even if she said that I'll never know the truth for sure. I was terribly hurt, humiliated by, and angry at H; also angry at "OW" regardless of whether she played any role or not.
I put "OW" in quotes because I don't know if she's really an OW or not. H and "OW" both say not. But I do know what H did was completely inappropriate, and believe that in the right circumstances, and esp being HD, if he felt frustrated at home he could be tempted elsewhere. H says I have every right to throw him out of the house, but he loves me and would never truly want to put our marriage in danger. He just thought he was writing something dumb but funny and it might appeal to "OW"'s fondness for showtunes and risque sense of humor. H now says he knows he should never have sent it.
I don't know how to treat "OW" - some acquaintances have said there should be zero contact from now on. But our lives are entwined in various ways. But I do know I don't want them going to the gym together anymore on their days off (something I stupidly promoted from the outset thinking it was good for both of them).
At breakfast today I asked H if that was just the last of a series of emails, one that I just found by mistake. I asked if he spent time complaining about me to her. He said no to both of my questions, but of course he would say no whatever the truth. He said I shouldn't blow this out of proportion and keep harping on it. We both cried.
I must stop obsessing, esp asking him all these questions, because I don't think it helps our relationship, which has had some issues anyway, move forward. I bought and read SSM some months ago, but I feel I must keep rereading it to keep its principles on my mind.
In answer to both your and OG Lou's suggestions that H needs to be more physically affectionate in a nonsexual way - he probably does so more than me. In general he's more physically demonstrative.
It's just that he's also quite happy to just "do it" on the spur of the moment, something that's harder for me. I have to examine my own motives and make sure that if I put him off to a more convenient time I really do follow through. He says his male ego (and male member) are very fragile these days due to age-related changes etc so he feels he must seize the urge.
Must go and will be out of touch for a few days due to a trip. Thank you for your support.
Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
