I took a quick read of your thread, and I certainly sympathize with you. However, I also see that you and your H are stuck. Your H caused it. No doubt about it. But unfortunately, you both have to unstick it.
That’s what DB is all about, Beth. Changing your R by changing yourself.
You seem to me to be in a conflict between your values (holding your M together), and your sense of justice/fear (that your H is at fault and not willing/able to change). He has a lot of work to do. You can try to make it easier for him to work, or you can make it more difficult.
If you want to make it easier (which would enhance his prospects for success), you have to change your perceptions somewhat. I know that doesn’t sound right or just, but there it is.
You’re making a lot of assumptions, and though assuming the worst helps one to stave off further hurt, it is not helpful for your relationship. Please take my comments in the spirit of working towards the M you want. I’m not blaming you at all for the way you feel.
Quote: When will he ever repent and truly feel bad for what he has done?
Is repenting and feeling bad the same thing? I don’t think so. Feeling bad (guilty) just brings everyone down. Repenting means changing one’s ways. To stop doing bad stuff.
Stopping doing bad stuff is your H’s job. You can’t force it on him. And if he changes his ways out of guilt, it’s not really repenting at all. He has done something completely at odds with his values. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have values. He messed up. Big time. It’s something he will have to deal with; for you, for your M, and for himself, but he has to do it.
Your job is to let him do it.
Quote: He is still, after all is said and done, very self-absorbed and selfish, which I have complained about for 13 years!
Sometimes people react to complaints by giving up on improving things. If you’ve truly complained for 13 years, how do you suppose he feels about that?
Quote: I keep telling H if he would get his act together maybe I'd start doing it again...
If you can start to meet him half way, it’ll be easier for him to “get his act together.”
If you can cut him some slack (and no that is not easy), then perhaps he’ll be able to see his true values, and follow them.
You can maintain your own integrity through all of this. Don't kick your H, but don't kick yourself either.
Nobody exudes integrity more than someone who forgives.
