Thank you Geronimo, debcb and SherryL for your replies. I am so thankful to have a place to come and pour out my feelings. It was in someone else's post that I learned about Restore Ministries website, and I think their materials are the best I've ever read on restoring marriages. In fact, I am spending the weekend doing nothing but reading and praying and I am scared to death to go home tomorrow. From what I am reading, I have done so many things contrary to God's word and I need to ask my H for forgiveness.
That said, DS9 called in a whisper telling me he thinks he caught Dad with a new cell talking to OW. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My flesh wants to confront and give more ultimatums, but from what I am reading, I need to ignore this latest setback and keep believing my H (act ASIF). What I will do I do not know...
I'll check back Monday a.m. Thanks for listening!
Beth
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
Oh Beth, it is an awful feeling when you suspect your H of cheating. I think most of us here understand that sinking feeling. I was sick to my stomach for months, and ended up losing 30 lbs because I couldn't eat. Just vent here, and try and keep it to yourself (says she who prefers to confront, and always does, but it works for me) and see where it leads. Patience really is a virtue in this sitch. A painful virtue, however.
On ultimatums .... never give them unless you are willing to accept the consequences and follow through. For instance, I've told my H that I want the truth, and if I catch him out in another lie, I will only speak to him where our co-parenting R is concerned, and that I will not want to acknowledge him any other way. My reasoning is, how can one have a conversation or discussion with anyone where one can only expect lies - doesn't make sense. I have truly had it! And, I am willing to face the consequences of my ultimatum.
Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I took a quick read of your thread, and I certainly sympathize with you. However, I also see that you and your H are stuck. Your H caused it. No doubt about it. But unfortunately, you both have to unstick it.
That’s what DB is all about, Beth. Changing your R by changing yourself.
You seem to me to be in a conflict between your values (holding your M together), and your sense of justice/fear (that your H is at fault and not willing/able to change). He has a lot of work to do. You can try to make it easier for him to work, or you can make it more difficult.
If you want to make it easier (which would enhance his prospects for success), you have to change your perceptions somewhat. I know that doesn’t sound right or just, but there it is.
You’re making a lot of assumptions, and though assuming the worst helps one to stave off further hurt, it is not helpful for your relationship. Please take my comments in the spirit of working towards the M you want. I’m not blaming you at all for the way you feel.
Quote: When will he ever repent and truly feel bad for what he has done?
Is repenting and feeling bad the same thing? I don’t think so. Feeling bad (guilty) just brings everyone down. Repenting means changing one’s ways. To stop doing bad stuff.
Stopping doing bad stuff is your H’s job. You can’t force it on him. And if he changes his ways out of guilt, it’s not really repenting at all. He has done something completely at odds with his values. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have values. He messed up. Big time. It’s something he will have to deal with; for you, for your M, and for himself, but he has to do it.
Your job is to let him do it.
Quote: He is still, after all is said and done, very self-absorbed and selfish, which I have complained about for 13 years!
Sometimes people react to complaints by giving up on improving things. If you’ve truly complained for 13 years, how do you suppose he feels about that?
Quote: I keep telling H if he would get his act together maybe I'd start doing it again...
If you can start to meet him half way, it’ll be easier for him to “get his act together.”
If you can cut him some slack (and no that is not easy), then perhaps he’ll be able to see his true values, and follow them.
You can maintain your own integrity through all of this. Don't kick your H, but don't kick yourself either.
Nobody exudes integrity more than someone who forgives.
